OPEN [boyxboy] ✓

forty-seven:: when no love is lost.

HAPPY PRIDE MONTH EVERYBODY
[Jules; Heebiejeebies by Aminé ft Kehlani]

FORTY-SEVEN: when no love is lost.

Who I was really had been a challenge to accept throughout my senior year, who I wanted to be was someone who I hadn't met yet and I really didn't know where I was going.

And I mean, I knew where I was going but I didn't really know where I was going and how I'd get there. College seemed like a necessity and really, I was all for it but I wasn't so convinced on the idea of finding myself across the country with a bunch of people that I didn't know. Who I was had to be somewhere in Michigan and I intended to find him.

My friends held a sense of security and so did my passion, I only had one defining trait and one thing I could be proud of. My relationship was important but my relationship would never be as important as who I was as an individual and I knew that.

Therapy sessions always left me with a new outlook on life and maybe I dwelled too much on the present. I didn't look at the long run, never did and my therapist was very good at making me recognize that. Leaving her office normally was something I felt good after and maybe I should've went that week.

But I didn't because I didn't find need in it and that was a problem.

I loved Paul, I did, but I loved myself more or I had to love myself more. Julian Douglas was a great person and I had to believe that before I could trust anybody else to, it was just so damn hard.

: : :

"Jules?" His voice was a bit distorted due to it being over the phone, his hair looked even curlier, probably because it was wet, and he had bags under his eyes, almost as if he hadn't been sleeping but I knew I looked worse.

Since this break thing had been announced, I hadn't done anything more than necessary to preserve my looks. My hair was dull and lifeless, resting on my forehead and my eyes were bloodshot from all the crying. I barely left my house, only for exams and work so when I wasn't at school or the restaurant, I stayed in sweats and I'd been wearing this same shirt for three days.

I think it was his.

"Rilee said you called." Just hearing that and seeing him at all made my heart hurt and I kept my eyes down, fiddling with a fidget cube Ben had given me when he noticed the marks on my hands. These actually worked, which I wouldn't have expected since it'd been so popularized with people who had no form of anxiety or attention deficit disorders.

I did call for him. The day I couldn't get a hold of him I'd called Rilee and she said he was on the beach and that shit was a boldface lie since his pictures from that day were all in the city.

My voice was barely a whisper and a tear almost fell when I heard Brandon's voice in the background however faint it was. I could see Paul inching his headphone mic a little closer and I wondered how many other people were in the room hearing him speak to me. "Hey."

"Look, I'm really sorry for just springing that break stuff on you, that wasn't right." I could hear only male voices, a lot of voices I didn't recognize and my insecurities were getting the best of me. "I really think it'll be good for us though, not being with each other so frequently for a little while... I can get my shit together." Standing when the noise got a bit louder, he exited the room and I tried not to get jealous about the fact that he was having fun, the fact that through the camera, I could see a very hot shirtless guy.