OPEN [boyxboy] ✓

twenty-three:: when you're not exactly John Bender.

(Ease by Troye Sivan)

TWENTY-THREE: when you're not exactly John Bender

After a heated make-out session in which hands had roamed a little further than intended and I had to stop Paul's tattooed hands from making me more horny than I could actually handle, I proceeded to peel myself away to get ready for bed, my kicked no doubt darker than before.

He'd convinced me to stay the night, he'd lent me some sweatpants and I'd curled in beside him, Paul pulling me to his chest and forcing me to become the 'girl' but seriously, I didn't mind. It felt like we were dating, I wasn't insecure about him pressing against my body or scared of putting a label to myself or this relationship.

Being held by Paul felt amazing, his thumb drawing small circles on my arm as I felt content tucked against his chest, his head on my shoulder and lips on my neck.

He felt like serenity, he made me feel safe and I couldn't help but slow my heartbeat down to match his and at once, I felt the tempo of his heart thumping against my back and his breaths on my neck, causing goosebumps to rise. And I could feel it when his body finally went slack, when he'd fallen asleep and soft snores emitted from his body.

I tried to sleep as well, shutting my eyes as I pretended like nothing was wrong with my life but it all came rushing back. My parents were getting divorced, my family was falling apart. Its all my fucking fault. And I thought I was getting better at this breaking down thing... I honestly did but when I was alone, I seemed to fall apart. Endless serenades of how worthless I'd been and destructive I was; I was a disappointment to literally everyone and I hated it.

And my breathing became shallow as I cried for the second time that day, finally feeling content with the guilt.mOnly it wasn't a storm, it was barely a trickle as a shudder wracked through my body and a few tears escaped, Paul pulling me closer as he woke silently, mumbling soft nothings against my skin and kissing it to slow my breathing as he tried to lull me to sleep. "It's okay, you're okay."

I refused to speak -my voice failing me- as his arm came up to wrap around my shoulders and I held him there, placing a small kiss to his tattooed skin. I must've run out of tears.

And I felt at ease.

: : :

I'd been in the car with Paul the next day, his fingers laced through mine as we drove through the city on our way to my school. I'd been half past hallucination at the time but the beat thrumming through my chest from the feeling of his hand connected with mine was enough to keep me awake. I felt a jolt of energy as he ran his thumb carefully across mine and brought my hand up so he could press a small kiss to the skin.

I felt my face heat as he smiled, resting our hands back on the counsel and he continued to drive. I admired the way his jaw had clenched in concentration and his fingers flexed and curled around the steering wheel, brown eyes -clouded by contacts- calculating. But it was all over too soon as he pulled in the drop off section of my high school, my heart dropping at the fact that I'd be without Paul all day.

He must've sensed my anxiousness because I felt a squeeze on my hand before he sent me a comforting smile, rubbing at my knuckles, "have a good day, Jules."

It was a bit early considering the fact that he'd have to be at work at 7:30 so Paul had been dropping me off when barely anyone was around -at seven on the dot- and we'd have around ten minutes alone to be together before he'd have to leave. I didn't want him to leave.