World Behind My Wall (A7X/The Rev)

Chapter 10|It All Goes Down To The Writing On The Wall

I spent the days of Thanksgiving break just doing a lot of lying around, drawing, and listening to music. I did decide to just spend Thanksgiving Day alone this year, and it was pretty nice, just having that time to myself. I kept thinking about Friday, my birthday. That was such a weird, but surprisingly good day. I still had the rose my mystery guy gave me for my birthday, it was in a vase on my dresser. Often times I'd look up from what ever I was doing and look right at it and smile, remembering the note with it. I'd hung up all the original notes up on my wall like I started doing when I was first getting them, and I rewrote them, but I hadn't gone back through them for clues as to who it was. What Grace said was nagging at me, and for some reason, I felt a little afraid to look at them. 

It was silly, I know, I mean I want to find out who it is, but if it were James who is my mystery guy, I don't know how I'd feel about that. I guess I'd have to look at them and find out to see if it is him and react, but I just can't bring myself to study my wall or look at my notebook for that long. It just doesn't seem possible to me that it could be James. 

I thought a lot about what he did after lunch, though. I kept thinking about the way he'd just hugged me and told me not to cut anymore. Every time I looked at my scars now I heard him whispering in my ear, 'Just don't do it anymore'. He said he wouldn't tell, but can I trust him on that? I guess I'm going to have to... and there's this feeling deep inside of me telling me I can. I still wasn't sure why he was suddenly being so nice to me. Was it because I admitted that I didn't really hate him? I guess it could be that. 

I knew that the reason he'd broke out of the hug so suddenly when he heard people was because he didn't want anyone, especially his friends, seeing him hugging me, whom everybody makes fun of and hates. He's probably afraid he'd lose his friends and they'd start making fun of him too. I didn't take it too personally, everyone's that way except for Grace and Johnny. Though Zacky's been a little nicer to me since he's been dating Grace, probably only because she's my best friend. 

Another thing that I found myself thinking about again was the night I had to kiss James, at that party. I kept thinking about the way it felt to kiss him, and what that means in stories and movies, and for some people in real life. I've had to keep repeating myself that I'm not in love with him, I had to convince myself that I could never be in love with someone like him, but I now I look at him differently since realizing that I only hate what he does to me, not the person that he is. 

Mystery guy stole my heart, so if it is James, that means James stole my heart. That means that he thinks I'm beautiful, that he wants to marry me some day, that he's the one who put that rose in my locker that I'm still not sure of how it got in there. Could it be possible for a guy who's been jerk to me since the eighth grade, and didn't even notice me before the eighth grade, to feel that way about me? Does he have a secret side like Grace and Johnny think he does?

Ugh, I don't know. I just find it very hard to believe that he could be this mystery guy that's been writing these ridiculously cute notes to me. He really doesn't seem like the kind of person who would do something like that. Ok, yeah, so maybe he's a really good kisser and maybe he's got a really cute laugh that I've heard in class quite a few times, and he's got really beautiful blue eyes that--

Woah, woah! Hold up! What the hell kind of thinking is that!? Who just took over my mind and made me think those things I shouldn't be thinking about James!? That was like, fucking fairytale hallmark movie descriptions of some insanely sexy person that's super nice and caring. There's no way that's James, not a chance! I'm not even going to bother looking at the notes because it's just not realistic. Grace and Johnny need to get their heads out of their asses and realize that. 

Remember, Rylie. Remember how he's made you feel, remember how much he's hurt you. Remember what you told Johnny when he asked if you'd ever date James if he admitted that he had a crush on you, and you said you couldn't because you could never get past how badly he's hurt you. Remember all the times you've cut because of him, how many times you almost ended your life because of him. Just remember that you can't fall in love with someone who's caused you so much pain.