After 2

Chapter 135.

When I unfold the paper my eyes widen in surprise. The entirety of the sheet is covered with black scribbles, both front and back. I immediately recognize Hardin's handwriting and examine the page. It's a letter, a hand written letter from Hardin. I am almost afraid to read it but I know that I must.

Tess,

Since I am not good with words, I may have stolen some from Darcy whom you fancy so much.

I write without any intention of paining you, or humbling myself, by dwelling on wishes which, for the happiness of both, cannot be too soon forgotten: and the effort which the formation and the perusal of this letter must occasion, should have been spared had not my character required it to be written and read. You must, therefore, pardon the freedom with which I demand your attention; your feelings, I know, will bestow it unwillingly, but I demand it of your justice. ..

I know that I have done so many fucked up things to you and I in no way deserve you but I am asking, no begging you to please look past the things that I have done. I know I ask too much of you, always and I am sorry for that. If I could take it all back I would. I know you are angry and disappointed by my actions and that kills me. Instead of making excuses for the way I am, I am going to tell you about me, the me that you never knew. I am going to start with the shit I remember, I am sure there is more but I swear not to purposely hide anything else from you from this day forth. When I was around nine, I stole my neighbors bike and broke the wheel, then lied about it. That same year I threw a baseball through the living room window and lied about it.  My father left shortly after and I was glad when he did. I didn't have many friends because I was an asshole. I picked on kids in my year, a lot. Every day basically. I was a dick to my mum, that was the last year I told her I love her. The teasing and being a dick to everyone continued until now, so I can't name all the times but just know it was a lot. Around thirteen me and some friends broke into the drug store down the road from my house and stole a bunch of random shit, I don't know why we did it but when one of my friends got caught I threatened him to take the blame for it and he did. I smoked my first cigarette when I was thirteen, it tasted like shit and I coughed for ten minutes, I never smoked again until I started smoking pot but I will get to that soon.  When I was fourteen I lost my virginity to my friend Mark's older sister. She was a whore and seventeen at the time, it was an awkward experience but I liked it. She slept with all of our friends, not just me. After I had sex the first time I didn't do it again until months later and then I kept doing after that. I would hook up with random girls at parties, I always lied about my age and the girls were easy. None of them cared about me, and I didn't give a fuck about them. I started smoking pot this same year and did it often. I started drinking around this time, me and my friends would steal liquor from their parents or from that same drug store that I mentioned already. I started fighting a lot too. I got my ass beat a few times but most of the time I won. I was always pissed off, always, and it felt good to hurt someone else. I would pick fights with people all the time for fun. The worst one was this boy named Tucker who came from a poor family, he wore the oldest rattiest clothes and I fucking tortured him for it. I would mark on his shirt with a pen just to prove how many times he wore it without washing it. Fucked up, I know. So anyway, one day I saw him walking and I knocked him in the shoulder just to be dick, he got angry and called me a dick so I beat the shit out of him. His nose was broken and his mum couldn't afford to even have him see a doctor, I still kept fucking with him afterwards. A few months later his mum died and he went into a foster home, a rich one luckily and he drove by me one day, it was my sixteenth birthday and he was in a brand new car. I was pissed at the time and wanted to find him just to break his nose again but now that I think about it I am happy for him. I will skip the rest of my sixteenth year because all I did was drink, get high, and fight. Actually that goes for seventeen too. I keyed a few cars, busted some windows as well. When I was eighteen is when I met James, he was cool because he didn't give a fuck about anything, like me. We drank every day, our group. I would come home drunk every night and I would puke on the floor and my mum would have to clean it up. I would break something new almost every night.. We had our own little gang of friends and no one fucked with us. They knew better. The games started, the one's I told you about, and you know what happened with Natalie. That was the worst I swear.I know you are disgusted by me not caring about what happened to her. I don't know why I didn't care but I didn't. Just now, when I was driving here to this empty hotel room I was thinking about Natalie. I still don't feel as bad as I should but I was thinking, what if someone did that to you? I nearly had to pull over to get sick even thinking about you being in Natalie's place. I was wrong, so wrong for doing that to her. One of the other girl's named Melissa got attached to me as well but nothing came of it. She was obnoxious and loud. I told everyone that she had hygiene problems, down there... so everyone gave her shit about it and she never bothered me again. I got arrested once for being drunk in public and my mum was pissed, she left me there all night. Then when everyone found out about the Natalie shit she had enough. I threw a fit when she mentioned sending me to America , I didn't want to leave my life back home no matter how fucked up it was, I was. But when I beat the shit out of someone in front of a crowd during a festival, she was done. I applied for WSU and got in. When I got here to America I fucking hated it. I hated everything. I was so pissed that I had to be near my father so I rebelled even further drinking and partying all the time. I met Steph first, I hooked up with her at a party and she introduced me.to the rest of her friends. Nate and I hit it off the best. Dan and Jace were dicks, Jace was the worst. You already know about Dan's sister so I will skip that. There were a few girls that I fucked since then but not as many as you think. I did sleep with Molly once after we kissed but the only reason I did it was because I couldn't stop thinking about you. I couldn't get you out of my head Tess. I kept thinking it was you the entire time, I had hoped that would help but it didn't. I knew it wasn't you, you would have been better. I kept telling myself, if I only see Tessa one more time I will realize this is just a ridiculous fascination, nothing more. Purely lust. But every time I saw you I wanted more and more.  I would think of ways to annoy you just so I could hear you say my name. I wanted to know what you were thinking of in class that made you stare at your book with a frown, I wanted to smooth the crease between your brows, I wanted to know what you and Landon whispered about. I wanted to know what you were writing in that damned planner of yours. I actually almost took it from you once, that day when you dropped it and I handed it to you, you probably don't remember but you were wearing a purple shirt and that hideous gray skirt you used to wear almost every other day. After that day in your dorm when I fucked up your notes and kissed you against the wall I was in too deep to stay away. I thought about you constantly. My every thought was consumed by you. I didn't know what it was at first, I didn't know why I had become so obsessed with you. The first night that you stayed the night with me is when I knew, I knew that I loved you. I knew that I would do anything for you. I know that sounds like bullshit now after all that I have put you through but it's true. I swear it.  I found myself daydreaming, me daydreaming.. about the life that I could have with you. I pictured you sitting on the couch with a pen between your teeth and a novel on your lap, your feet on my lap. I don't know why but I couldn't get the image out of my head. it tortured me, wanting you the way that I did and knowing you would never feel the same. I threatened anyone who tried to sit in that seat next to you and Landon to make sure that I could sit there, just to be near you. I would tell myself over and over that I was only doing all of this weird shit to win the bet. I knew that I was lying to myself, I just wasn't ready to admit it. I would do shit, like crazy shit to fuel my obsession with you. I would mark lines in my novels that reminded me of you. Do you want to know the first one? It was,