Borderline Personality Poetry

Midnight Thoughts

I spend a lot of time going through other girls Instagram's, just comparing myself to them. I'll tear myself up about not being stick thin or a having a clear face.

You tell me boys like girls who are thick, well if they do then explain to me why he likes a stick figure more than he likes me?

It's rare if a guy likes a thick girl and I don't want to be thick anymore.

I want to be stick thin and I want everyone to like me.

But I guess at the end of the day none of that really matters. Because your the same you day after day. And honestly I need to stop telling myself that I'm going to start starving myself again when I'm really not.

But I need to again.

I really do.

You see these are the thoughts that keep me up at night. These are the thoughts that buzz through my brain and they keep me awake. They yell at me, all my demons yell at me and they tell me I'm not good enough - they tell me I will never be good enough.

They tell me nobody could possibly love me.

And it sucks. It really does. I need to stop eating for good. Because I can't keep feeling this way about myself!!

I'm sick of looking in the mirror and not finding a single thing that I like about myself.
I'm sick of being so utterly disgusted with my appearance. I'm sick of looking butt ugly without makeup on.

I'm sick of being me.

I want to be you for a day I want to see what it's like to have boys crawling all over me.

I want to see what it's like to not have to watch how much you spend, to see what it's like to have designer brand clothing.

To see how it feels to have a whole group of girls who are just as perfect as you go to a big party together and everything just be.... Perfect.

Because this isn't what I want in life.

I feel like I haven't accomplished anything in life. I'm just so different from other people. I don't want to pretend like I'm happy I really don't but it's my only choice if your taking me out in public when I'm sad! I'm sad most of the time and sometimes I can't even admit it to myself.

And the stuff I'm sad about is long gone but it still lingers in my aching bruised heart.

Nothing is worse than loving someone with a passion only to be betrayed by them.

And to think the love was equal?

Sorry this was really sloppy... I have been really sloppy lately. My emotions have been all over the place recently. Like my mind is swarming with emotions. Forgive me for the mood swings.