dear diary,
Joshua and I got in a really, really big fight today. I hate him. but it's better this way.
"So.. where are you planning to go to college next year?" Joshua kicks at the pebbles below him, his pale hands stuffed in his pockets.
I let out a humorless laugh, "There is no next year for me."
I watch from my peripheral vision as he stops in his tracks. "Why do you do that?"
"Do what?"
"Bring yourself down, like you're positive that you're going to die tomorrow. It's not funny."
"I'm not trying to be funny. I'm being realistic."
His eyes gloss over in realization, "I'm done."
I pick at the scab on my elbow, "Done with what?"
"This," he motions towards me, "I'm not going to watch you die."
My heart clenches, "What are you saying?"
I can see him holding back tears.
"I-I'm saying that I'm leaving. I'm not going to wait for you forever, I was going to tell you sooner but I-I just couldn't-" his voice chokes up.
"I'm going to the University of Orlando, but I'll make sure to come to your funeral."
He left, and I couldn't breathe, I sat down, closed my eyes, clenched my jaw, and inhaled, exhaled. I stayed like that until a nurse came to pick me up. But I did not cry, because love is stupid, useless, un-needed. Love will get you nowhere.
September 29, 1994
