Panic Attack - H.S. AU

Chapter Eight

-Harry-

The best way to reveal the truth behind my suicide attempt was to revisit the building where it all happened so
Valerie and I walked there together in silence.

I was quiet because I was wondering how the hell I was going to go tell her this without having a meltdown and Valerie was probably quiet because well, who else would know what to say in this situation?

We had become pretty close after such a short time and I liked it. Even when I pushed her away time after time, I simply couldn't avoid her.

I warmed up to her sooner than expected simply because I liked that with her, I was never forced to confess anything about myself and to my surprise that only made me want to tell her even more. She was so patient and kind to me when she didn't need to be. I knew it was only right to reward her by answering the question she'd been dying to know since the day I met her.

Why did I choose that building?

When we arrived on the roof of the building, I grew sad thinking about how ready I was to jump off. I wouldn't have been here today if it weren't for Valerie. She didn't even know me, yet she did to whatever she could to save me. She didn't do it for money or fame like I had assumed. She helped me solely because she wanted to and I would forever admire her for that.

"Never thought we'd be up here ever again" She said.

"Me neither." I sighed.

I walked over near the edge and sat down so I could look down at the city. I patted down on the concrete, for Valerie to sit beside me, but she shook her head in refusal.

Honestly, I didn't really mind. What almost happened here must've scarred her and I didn't blame her for not wanting to revisit those memories.

So, I began my story and Valerie did was she did best; she listened.

"Ever since I was a young boy, I sort of knew there was something off about me. For some reason, I always had something on my mind and I'd worry and over think more than most kids. I never told anyone how I felt because I assumed that if I ignored it, it would just go away, but as you can see it's only worsened with time."

Suddenly, Valerie sat next to me and laced her fingers through mine. The action brought me comfort and I couldn't help but crack a smile even though she was too busy looking at the busy streets of the city below us to notice.

"Over time, my anxiety grew stronger" I continued. "I was seventeen when I had my first panic attack and they've only gotten worse and more frequent. You've already seen one so I won't even describe how infuriating they are, but I digress."

"Say as much as you want, I've got all night." She said as she gave my hand a squeeze.

"The night you saw me on this building was one of the worst nights of my life. It was the one year anniversary of my ex-girlfriend, Hayley." I confessed.

"I'm sorry Harry." Valerie said sadly. "Are you still in love with her?"

"It doesn't matter if I am." I told her.

"Why not?"

"Because she's gone. She's gone for good."

I knew I said that a little too harshly, but it was easier to simply spit it out rather than ease into it.

She looked up at me with tears welled up in her eyes. "Oh my God. I'm so, so sorry. That must be so hard. I-I don't know what I'd do if I lost..."

She quickly looked away and released her hand from mine. I didn't think anything of it and continued my story anyway.

"If you knew her, you would've liked her. She was sweet, outgoing and very strong. She was short and full with big green eyes, and strawberry blonde hair. I loved everything about her and then one day, she just disappeared."

As expected, Valerie raised an eyebrow at me in confusion.

"Hayley was always in out of the hospital, but I never knew why. One year ago, on our anniversary, I found out. I took her on this very building to show her the city and set the mood because I was planning to propose to her, but when I got down on one knee, she collapsed and had a seizure right in front of me. Apparently she was epileptic. Considering we'd been together for a year, you'd think I would have been informed or at least caught on, but Hayley was secretive sometimes. ." I sighed. "Anyway, I did what I could to help her. I called an ambulance, rushed her out the building and everything. She was in the hospital for a while and I visited her every chance I could until one day, she just disappeared without telling me anything. She just left me and I have no idea why."

"And you wanted to jump off this very building... for her?" Val asked me.

I nodded my head, not wanting to explain further.

"Do you think that's what she would've wanted?"

I shook my head. "No, but in the moment, I didn't care. It was hard trying to live without her. I was in too deep. I felt like I just couldn't live without her no matter how hard I tired. I just wanted to be with her again. It was selfish, I know."

"I knew you didn't want to do it, Harry," Valerie said. "Because if you did, you would've jumped regardless of what I said." Suddenly, Valerie burst into tears and cried. "You would've left without a care in the world of how many people you were hurting and leaving behind just like," she stopped herself from continuing.

I didn't want to push her to tell me her secret especially if she wasn't ready to say it aloud. "It's not okay," I told her.

She sniffled. "What?"

"I'm not going to tell you it's okay because I'm almost positive what you were about to say wasn't actually okay."

She wiped away her tears and said, "It wasn't. A choice was made and--and it wasn't me."

"I know you probably don't want to hear this, but obviously I was in that position, hell sometimes I still am. So believe me when I tell you that when you are in that state of mind absolutely nothing matters. You convince yourself that you're worthless and that everyone will be fine and if not, then better off without you. It's like suddenly, you believe that you have no purpose and that feeling does not easily go away, and if you want me to be completely honest, it never really does," I tried to tell her.

"I just wish I was enough of a reason to stay," she cried.

I was starting to get an idea of what Valerie was trying to confide in me. Someone she knew had definitely taken their life and she clearly had a vivid memory of the incident. I just wasn't sure who. Regardless, my heart sank at the thought.

I watched as she covered her face with her hands and began to sob. I then took her into my arms and embraced her. She wrapped her arms around me and cried even harder. 

When she pulled herself together she apologized. "I'm sorry. This is about you, not me. t."

I couldn't believe my ears. "Are you seriously apologizing right now?"

She shrugged her shoulders weakly and looked out into the city again.

"Well you shouldn't," I told her sincerely.

After a long silence, Valerie said, "I wish I met you earlier, Harry."

"Really? Why?" I asked her, curious to hear the answer.

"Maybe things would've been different." She then took a deep breath, faced me, and broke my heart with her next words. "I'm engaged, Harry," she said.

"You're what?!"

"Well, I'm sort of engaged. I don't know. It's complicated." She groaned. "The point is. I'm not available. Not physically or emotionally. I don't think I can do this."

I moved away from her and averted my eyes elsewhere. "I'm an idiot."

"You're not idiot." She tried grab my arm but I shrugged her off.  "I-I'm sorry Harry. I should go" 

And just like that, Valerie Evans abandoned me on the same building she went out of her way to rescue me from.