Panic Attack - H.S. AU

Chapter Nine

-Valerie-

How could do I that to him?

How did I do that to him?

Harry let me in. He told me his secrets. He trusted me and he didn't even have to.

He had been trying to avoid getting close to me this entire time, but of course I just had to keep pushing him and pushing him. I forced him to open up to me, only to make him regret it.

I never meant to hurt him. I mean, technically I didn't lie to him. I just didn't tell him the truth either. I'd been avoiding it for so long until I simply couldn't hold it in any longer. I just couldn't allow him to look at me the way he did just moments ago. I knew what was running through his head. Just by the look on his face, I knew he had already painted me as this amazing person. I had to stop him before he did something something incredibly stupid, fall for me.

Among the many reasons why he shouldn't fall for me, the main one's that I wasn't single.

I was with Zayn and I simply couldn't picture myself loving anyone other than him. I couldn't throw away everything we had and act as if he hadn't impacted my life at all.

I really screwed him over too though. I knew very well I would absolutely lose it if Zayn had been spending time with some other girl behind my back. So I wouldn't disagree if someone had called me the world's biggest hypocrite because at this point it was an accurate title.

I wanted to be there for Harry and all,
but at the same time, he reminded me that I had to take advantage of the love I had. If Hayley was Harry would've been engaged as well. He would've been faithful to her. He wouldn't be standing on this roof with me right now.

So yes, I ran off and abandoned Harry on that building without looking back.

I rushed down the stairs and out the door, running without a care in the world if I looked like a lunatic. Next thing I knew, it started to rain, but I refused to let it stop me.

When I fell on my ass for the third time I decided to do the smart thing and hail a cab.

The entire time my heart was beating like crazy. I needed to see Zayn. I needed him to tell me that everything would be okay. He always knew how to make me feel safe.

After giving the driver his address, I looked out the window and imagined how everything could play out about a hundred times. I wasn't sure whether I'd be so happy to see him that I'd tackle him in hugs and kisses, or if I'd be so disappointed in myself that I would drop to the floor and start sobbing.

When I arrived, I quickly paid the driver and ran out of the cab.

I nearly hit my head running into the revolving doors, but thankfully I just managed to slide in before it was too late. When I got inside, almost everyone was staring at the girl that resembled a wet dog—also known as me.

Next thing I knew I was walking up to Zayn's door. I raised my fist ready to knock, but for some reason I didn't. My breaths grew heavier and more frequent. I was nervous out of my mind.My adrenaline rush concealed the fact that I was afraid.

I had forgotten that we hadn't really spoken since he basically broke our engagement. I began to remember how angry he was with me and I started to cry.

I wasn't upset because he was mad at me.

I was upset because I really hurt him and knowing that I did that to someone I loved hurt me even more.

"Val?" Zayn, looking confused and a little surprised, answered the door.

I cried even harder at the sight of him because I wanted to hug him so bad, but I was afraid he would push me away like I had done to him.