"Read all you want" [Frerard]

31: Unsafe, insane and non-consensual

Frank

I stare at the ceiling and bite my lips harshly, and pull my knees up to my chest. Even the soft press of the couch against my butt is too much. It stings. Reminding me of last night constantly. I sigh and bury my head into the gap between my knees and my chest. Gerard sits down next to me and gently rubs my back.

"Take all the time you need, sweetheart." he whispers and softly presses a kiss against my cheek. I don't even think I could handle it if he'd kiss my lips at this moment.

"I don't know what to say..." I whisper quietly. "Just start with telling me about the night in the Black Shadows?" he suggests. I nod. I hate that I need to talk about this. I'd rather go to bed and fall asleep again. When I'm asleep I don't have to think. I don't have to feel. But I need to try, for Gerard.

"Well..." I start hesitantly, still not lifting my head. "It was nice. I watched a scene with Master Gabe and William, and I talked about Master/slave relationships with them, and they gave me a lot to think about but it was nice. So I wanted to go home and I said goodbye to everyone, but the moment I stepped outside... Someone grabbed me and I was dragged to the bushes. I... They..." I stutter out and bite down on my lips harshly.

I can still hear their ragged breaths. Their voices as they called me names. I still feel their hands on my skin...

"G-Gee..." I choke out. He quickly pulls me into a tight hug. I cling onto his sweater and bury my head against his chest. "Ssshhh..." he tries to soothe me. "I can't do this... Gerard." I whisper, but Gerard lifts my chin and makes me look at him. "You can, I promise. It's scary, I know. But I believe in you..."

I look down again and close my eyes. I can't disappoint Gerard. It'd make things even worse... So I take a deep breath. "They... Called me names. And uhm... Yeah, did uh- you know what. They did that to me." I manage to tell him before I feel like shutting down again. I can't, though. I look up at Gerard. "Are you still... Not disgusted by me?"

"Frank. Listen to me, and don't ever forget it, okay? You haven't done anything wrong. If there anything I'm disgusted with, it's those bastards. Okay?"

"Okay..." I whisper timidly and rest my head against Gerard's shoulder and close my eyes. I feel so exhausted. Gerard still rubs my back. "Can you tell me more?"

"Rather not... But I guess you need to know anyways. So uhm... There where three guys. They also..." I swallow and feel tears fill my eyes. "They took off my collar and threw it away... Telling me sluts like me don't belong to one person, but to anyone horny. I..." I choke out and hide my head between my knees again. I feel the collar around my neck. I am glad I found it again afterwards. It was the only thing that kept me sane enough to get home. I can't handle anything sexual related at this moment, but Gerard is my Master. If there's anything that calms me down, it's that knowledge. "Oh baby that is horrible..." Gerard whispers.

I shrug, not knowing how else to react. "I am hurt. I mean... Everything hurts. But it wasn't the physical pain that made it awful. It was how they used me. In their eyes, I really wasn't anything but an object. A fun game. Worthless. I can still hear their voices.... So clear in my mind." I whisper and that's when it gets too much. "I can't Gee... I need to get it out of my head goddammit. I need to forget. I can't- Oh God. What if they had STD's? What then? I..." I stutter out.

Gerard quickly takes my hands. "Frank. Take a deep breath. Slowly. It's okay. I've got you, remember? I think you've talked enough about this for today... Let's do something to get your mind off of things, okay? I'll make an appointment with the GP for an STD test. Hey... Thank you, Frank. For talking to me. For trusting me. I know it's fucking hard. I am proud of you... Let's watch a movie?"

I nod. I can't say anything at this moment. I feel so overwhelmed. My emotions are a mess. I want to cry. Want to punch a wall. Want to kiss Gerard. But I can't. I am paralyzed somehow. Stuck in what happened yesterday. I can't get their voices out of my head. Telling me what a filthy whore I am. I can't forget how naked I felt without my collar. That I am into BDSM doesn't mean I like to get fucked by just any stranger. They knew that, of course. It was the rush of me crying and pleading that turned them on. They're sick. It's not my fault, I know that. But I can't get rid off the feeling that somehow this is my own fault.

"Frank? Do you want something to eat?" Gerard asks me then. I shrug. I don't care. I am not hungry at all but I know I have to eat. I am too tired too even choose something simple as this. "You choose..." I whisper. Gerard nods and walks to the kitchen to make me something. I sigh and stare at the floor. Will I ever get over this?