Delirium

05

  I let myself into Anya's house. Her parents aren't home, and I didn't bother to knock or let the maid know I arrived. Anya gave me the keys to her house last year when I came over one day and her maid had been in the kitchen. No one heard me knocking, and since my house is 30 minutes away (walking) I waited outside...in the rain. The house wasn't locked but at that time I hadn't known that and even if I had, I wouldn't have just barged into a house that wasn't mine. Majority of the people don't lock their house since they see it as a sign of hiding something. Anya was really worried when I caught the flu and blamed herself, the next day she shoved a key into my hand saying that even though her door is open-the key meant that I was aloud into her house no matter what. I quickly made my way up to the second floor. Music was filled the hallway, but it was like no music I had ever heard. It was upbeat and wild. The words were muffled but the voice was like sweet chocolate to my ears. I felt my heart beat following the music. I held my breath as my feet took me to where the music was coming from. Anya's room. I pushed the door open, slightly inching inside. It's like my dream all over again...but this time real.
I stepped in to find both Anya and Jane bobbing their heads to the strange beat of the music, on Anya's large pearl white bed. I stood silently for a minute before saying "W-what is this music?"
Jane gasped loudly, as they spotted me. Anya jumped off her bed (nearly tripping) to her computer and strongly pressed a button-causing the music to cease.
Part of me felt quite negatively over the sudden absence of music.And yet another part of me felt relief. Anya smiled at me nervously, as Jane slightly shifted on the bed, refusing to look my way.
"W-we didn't hear you come in." said Anya finally breaking the silence
I nodded slowly, my eyes now and then finding themselves on the computer.
"Yeah...I let myself in."
"Oh."
"What was that music?"
"Oh um just some new music I found online."
"I've never heard that song before."
"No. It's new."
I nodded once more now turning my attention to Jane. She was staring her her shoes, as if they had suddenly become very interesting. Anya and Jade have always been...rebels. Nothing too bad, just small things. Like standing outside of the door 1 whole minute after curfew or bad mouthing the idea of getting a cure, sometimes even talking about boys...but like I said nothing serious. Yet this time I had an itching suspicion. They were hiding something from me. Something much worse than before.
"A-Anya. J-ja-ade is that music approved?"
Anya bit her lip, and Jade looked up for the first time since I had entered the room. They exchanged nervous looks before answering.
"Um, no. Not exactly."
I felt my heart sink.
"What do you mean not exactly?"
"Well, you see we found it online, through well...not so approved websites per say?" mumbled Jane
"You're not making sense." I gritted my teeth. We're they listening to illegal music? From illegal websites? Were they breaking the law? If they were discovered they could be sent to the lab straight away-to get the cure. And then...it could all end wrong. They are too young for it! Or they'll be sent of to jail...and die in jail.
Disastrous endings for my close friends began to fill my mind. The room suddenly felt smaller, and my breathing became rapid.
"Andy it's fine! It was just a few songs, no one will know!" exclaimed Jade trying to calm me down
I shook my head viciously "Y-you were listening to forbidden music! You were breaking the law! What if you got caught-"
"We aren't going to get caught! People do it all the time!" said Anya interrupting me
"This isn't right-what you two did is wrong. And you know it."
"Why is it wrong?! It's just music, Andy." spat Jane angrily
"It's illegal for a reason!" I hissed
"Because the fucking government doesn't want us to have fun!" snapped Anya
"You know very well that that's not why."
"You're just afraid of things that are different!" yelled Jane, standing up
"I am not afraid of things that are different Jane!"
"Yes you are! Anything fucking different comes your way-and you start having anxiety!"
"Shut up! Don't even fucking go there Jane! I'm not the problem!"
"You-"
"GUYS!" Anya screamed holding her hands up "Will you both shut up?"
"I'm leaving. See you at the party Anya." grumbled Jane as she grabbed her sweater and ran out of the room
I stood silently waiting.
"Anya..."
"Look, Andy...I know we broke the law. But...don''t tell me that you didn't feel the same way? That music-it's amazing."
"That doesn't change the fact that it's illegal."
"Why don't you give it a chance?"
"Because..." tears swelled up in my eyes "I am scared."
"Look, there's a party-tonight. I want you to come."
"A party?" I sniffed
"Yeah. It's um...a secret party."
I sighed "More law breaking then."
Anya winced "Don't think about it that way."
"What way do you freaken want me to see it then Anya? Huh?!"
"A...form of living to the fullest before being cured? I mean...when we get cured everything is going to change...our feelings...our friends...our entire life. I just want to...feel things before I can't anymore. Does that make sense?"
I looked away. I did understand. But I find myself saying "No, I don't."
Anya is crying now "Oh."
"I have to go. It's getting late." I mumble more to myself than to her
"Wait! Here...just...just in case." she shoves a small slip of pare with an address on it into my hands.
"What...?"
"It's the address to the party-I know you don't want to go...but if you change your mind-maybe you could go. Jane, and I would really like that."
"I don't think Jane would."
"She does, she's just...going through stuff right now. Just take it? Please?"
There's something about her tone, she's my friend.
"I'm not going Anya, but I'll take it if that makes you happy."
Anya only nods before I make my way out her room, down the stairs and out the door.
I crumble the paper and stuff it into my pocket. My body feels tired, my eyes burn, and my head feels dizzy. Jane's words stung. 'Yes you are! Anything fucking different comes your way-and you start having anxiety!'
She's right.
I'm a fucking coward.
But I'm not an idiot.
I won't tell anyone about Jane and Anya breaking the rules...but that doesn't mean I'm going to do the same. No. I've worked too hard so that people don't see my parents when they see me. I'm not going to be like them. I'm going to follow the law...and have a good life. I'm not going to screw my life over-not like they did.