How Not To Fall In Love

Chapter 14: Fly Back

That's it. That's all I could ever think and compose to say. Her mouth left open and I can still see it in her eyes that she's still in shock. I look down on her plain white shirt now filled with coffee. Hot coffee. I stand up and hurriedly took the towel. She stopped me from wiping the spilled coffee on her hand. 

"What?" She shrieked. 

"I'm sorry. That was not right. I should clean this up." I say. 

She let out a heavy sigh. She stood and went in her room leaving her door half open and I can see her bare back. I can feel my pulse raising. I looked away and cleaned up the mess along with our dishes putting them in the sink.

I turned around a saw her standing at the hallway to the living room. She changed to a bright pink tank top that says GLAMOROUS. She looks good on it. The color suits her well. "I should probably leave I just messed up your breakfast." I said. She didn't say anything as I pass through her side and took my shirt that was lying on the couch. When I was dressed he stepped closer to me and she reached out for my hand. 

"Hey." She said in a whisper and stroke her thumb through the back of my palm. It feels good like it eases the pain that I feel.

 "You can stay in my apartment if that's what you need. But at least let me know what's going on." I can feel the heat radiates off my body and I wonder if Lily could even feel it in my hands. I studied her face and took both of her hands and kissed them. I wish I can. But then I know I can't let Lily get involved in this mess – my mess. "Thank you but I need to leave. If I won't, I don't know if I could even stop myself from leaving." I let go of her hand and start to head for the door. 

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" She asked. And I stopped walking. I thought for a moment but then I know I couldn't let her. But a part of me wants to stay and save my photography career. I think of the possibilities that I can go back to my apartment and pay the rent and my debts with the clients I still have. Staying means I'm giving up photography and so is leaving. But leaving has a better opportunity for. I can start a new life away from Garvin but a life without mom, still lifeless without love. Lily. 

But Lily she's just standing on her spot. Her beautiful hazelnut eyes are filled with concern. I know I need to reassure her. Her skin glows like the sunshine filling her living room. And her smell like lavender I will never forget when we hugged, and the way her soft hands felt when she held mine. I wanted more. I want to discover all of her like a song and its meaning. She's like a flower I wants to grow in my garden. I want to tell her how much her presence alone invites me to discover more of what I haven't seen in the world – in her world. I can sense her eyes asking things more than her lips could even process. Oh her lips. 

"Eric told me you were kicked out of your apartment. Where are you going then?" Of course Eric told her that's why I end up here on her little world full of color, full of life. 

"Getting my stuff at his apartment." I say. I opened the door and watch her for the last time before closing it. She's just standing still. I know I'm asking for too much. But I cannot cross Garvin this time. Not with her on the line.

~

"I want to stay." I say to Eric who was smoking. We were outside his apartment. "I mean not because of Lily. But I don't know what my life would be outside Venheighs and without photography." "You can still do photography outside Venheighs man. But I understand that you don't want to leave your mom at her state right now." He says. He's more honest than I am to myself. I sighed. He puffed his last smoke and turn to face me. "You can be far from Venheighs and be anywhere in the world but it wouldn't change her condition. Garvin can't do anything to change it either. He can pay the best doctors more than what they're being paid for but it's pointless. I don't know if you ever thought of that Ash but really, I'm just saying. He may threat you but you know that he knows she needs you. She needs you back." I remember Garvin's tone when he said about mom's treatment yesterday. The words slip out of his mouth like a plea for me to stay more than his desire of me leaving. Eric opened the compartment of the car we rented from last time and took my things out. "Here's the payment of Mr. & Mrs. Gregory from the last photoshoot." Eric handed to me the white envelope and patted my back. "Be safe man, and let me know where you'll land." He chuckle and I bro hugged him. "Thanks man. I'll send you pics of the chicks." I kid. I waited outside for a cab.

~

On my way to the airport I watch all the photos stored in my camera. From the wedding reception of one of our clients, and Mr. and Mrs. Gregory's pre nup photos on top of the mountain and I see Lily. She was in that restaurant, and there's one from the coffee shop, and during her graduation. I smiled recalling the only moment I consumed her. Her smile, her laugh, her cry, her annoyance (she looks cute when she gets annoyed), her quiet snore, her hands – those soft cute hands, her glittering eyes, her radiant soul. She all to me, mine alone. I scroll the photos from four days ago. It's still fresh as the morning dew. I chuckle at the photo of her that was so serious because she got annoyed of me taking photos of her the whole time from our short trip to Tenerife. But I love that about her. She cared to be careless. I pressed the back button. I scroll further. And there's her, the first woman I love and I know loves me still. A pair of green eyes looking at me, smiling – no, laughing like I could even hear its sound. 

And I miss her sound. 

I miss her.