accidental||Luke Hemmings

Chapter 12: Voices

A/n: this chapter can be considered triggering. There's self-harm, and I want everyone to be cautious. Also I want you to know that I am here for you if you need to talk, stay strong💕

ALYSSA'S POV

There's no reason for him to do that. It's all in your head.

"No. Leave me alone." I mumble.

Luke dropped me off at about 1 a.m, and now I'm sunk against the back of my door, my head buried in my knees.

"He made me feel special. He went through all that effort- he has to care!" I clutch my hair in my hands.

No one cares. You're not worth anyone's time. What would make you think that? You're alone. You're worthless. The good is all in your head.

I feel a tear drop down my face. "It's not in my head. You're in my head."

Am I?

"Please leave me alone- just, just..." I rock back and forth. "Please. I'm trying to forget and then you come in and-"

YOU CAN'T FORGET. It's here as long as you are. You can't change it.

I mumble nonsense to myself for a moment. "Ashton, Ashton. I have to- I have to call him."

He won't listen. He doesn't care. No one cares.

I reach for my phone but stop myself. "I-" I blink. "You're right...no one cares. I'm alone."

Now you realize it. Petty girl, all alone. No one to save you from your thoughts.

"Scared of my own image, scared of my own immaturity,
Scared of my own ceiling, scared I'll die of uncertainty,
Fear might be the death of me, fear leads to anxiety,
Don't know what's inside of me..." I mumble, in a daze.

Darling, I'm not fear.
I'm you.

That's what finally breaks me. I've been cracking, trying to stop these thoughts from taking over, but they're inevitable. I'm alone. I'm alone and fucked up.

(this part is very triggering , read with caution. Ily ❣)

I sob and crawl over to my dresser. I yank open the top drawer and pull out the small box that contains the sharp blades. I rip the box open carelessly and pull a blade out with shaking fingers. My hands are trembling so badly that I accidentally cut along my knuckle.

"God, no." I sob again. "I can't- I don't want this..."

I practically rip off my jacket and begin carelessly shredding my arm with the sharp metal. "No!" I shriek. "Why do I have to be this, why do I have to be me?!"

"There's no escape!" I whisper-scream. "Even when I try to be happy, even when I thought someone cared-" I hiccup and my voice cracks. "There's no escape but death."

I feel myself break even farther. "I can't- but, the funeral, the-" I sob and attack my arm again. I shred the blade over my pants and leave holes in my jeans along with slits in my skin. I watch as the blood stains my light jeans.

"Someone, help." I sob and squeeze the blade in my fist. I feel a sharp sting and blood drips from my hand. I watch in a blurred daze as blood stains my carpet.

My breath deepens and my vision tunnels. "No, no, no." I reach for my phone and text the first person on my messaging app, which I think is Ashton.

From: you,
Ash, hel p. im rely dizzy my hea d hurts pleas e help theres blood

From: you,
ash i didnt mean it

And then everything is black.

~

A/n:
Okay I'm so sorry for the sad chapter and I just want to say something :

You matter to me. Your life is valuable and I believe you can get through whatever it is you're going through. You're stronger than you think. The fam loves you. The boys love you. Love yourself. If you are ever thinking about self harm or suicide, please message me...I am here to help because I care about you. Please keep staying strong.

//Anna

PS thank you for all of the reads, I never thought I would get this far...721??? That's so many! Thank you guys! I love you so much.