Addictive

Chapter 9

(3 months later) everyday I feel bad when Devin wakes up so excited just to be around me and the baby. Today is my appointment to see the gender. And God could this be the worst thing. everyday I die a little because I'm a bad person, for all this I'm honesty a whore. And as bad as it sounds I wish this was really Devins I wish this was a nightmare. I wish it was just Devin me and our baby. But no reed will always be there in my mind. I haven't talked to reed much besides he's home working in music. I go and throw on some leggings and a random t shirt and put on my Nike tennis shoes. I grab my purse and Devin and I walk to the car. He opens my door and helps me in. I feel so needy now I'm already making him a dad, now I make him do everything for me. I hate myself. We pull up and Devin comes to help me out. "I love you" he says holding my back as we walk inside. We sign in and take a seat. As stupid commercials come on the tv I can't help but maybe think maybe the baby won't make it and I'll be okay. Ugh I'm awful. Finally the longest wait ever they call my name. We go into a little room where there's a girl nurse. "Hello river and Devin, your 4th months that's exciting." The nurse says. "Yes it is" Devin says holding my hand. She puts some cold jell on my stomach and moves this weird stick thing around. "Do you want the gender?" The nurse asks. "Yes please" Devin says. I feel so bad he's so excited. "It's a girl" the nurse says. Devin looks at me with eyes full of tears and kisses me. Not rough, for the first time with passion. I've never see this side of Devin. I get cleaned up and we make our next appointment for a month and we leave. In the car he kept saying how happy he was and how much he loved me. We got home and Devin had to go to work. So I called reed.
Me: hello?
Reed: hi. How are you?
Me: I'm good , were good. Everything's good.
Reed: this month is 4 months do you know the gender?
Me: yeah that why I called we went today.
Reed: well......
Me: uh....it's a girl.
Reed: a girl.... That's great.
Me: yeah Devins really happy
Reed: are you happy?
Me: no
Reed: you'll be happy just wait for her to come and everything will be better. You guys will be a happy family.
Me: but like you said it's always going to have you inside of her not Devin.
Reed: she'll be ok with Devin ...... Right that's what you wanted
Me: yeah it will be ok
Reed: can I come down for her birth?
Me: yeah to support Devin
Reed: yeah
Me: I'll talk to you later I just wanted to tell you.
Reed: thank you take care.
Call ends
I ate dinner, and took a shower. I like to think these memories will go away, that the pain will all be gone once she's here. It has to be. I finally go to bed. 4:06am Devin comes home. I feel so bad he has to work so late just to make money. Devins mom has already done so much that Devin could take it easy but he refuses. "Devin...." I say "yeah is she okay what's wrong ?" He asks. "Nothing I think your stressing and I know you and I know you need sex" I say trying to let him know it's okay. " your pregnant I can't " Devin says scared. "Devin it's safe trust me she's fine" I try to reassure him. "Babe idk" he says with so much concern. "You need it I know you" I say as I get on him. "No your back it will start hurting I'll get on you" Devin says Changing spots. It was weird like he didn't want it. Like he's not the same sex crazed drugged fun Devin. This is a man. When he finished he got off me and asked probably 100 times if I was okay and if she was okay . Once we started trying to sleep she likes to kick because it's like she hates me too. "Ugh stop!" I yell towards my stomach. " turn over maybe she doesn't like That side your laying on" Devin says like he knows everything. I turned over so I was facing him. He pushed himself against me so he could feel every movement within my stomach. There was no space between us. It started being like this every night. Every month got closer and I got bigger. We had now got everything we needed for her. And started to decorate the nursery. We painted all the walls pink. And put a white crib up. With a white changing table. We put all her clothes away and everything so it was ready. I was about 8months and 1 week pregnant. And I was huge ,Devin kept telling me for 8 months I look great but he'll say anything nowadays. Reed was supposed to be coming in this week which was scary to think. I don't know how I'm gonna feel or how he's gonna feel me giving birth to his child while he's in next room.