Roll With It

2. Without You I'm Nothing

It has now been five days since I've last had a drink. It's been hard. I've been irritable, and I picked up the habit of biting my nails and smoking constantly in the first two days. I'm still easily irritated and anxious, but I hope it'll get better. When I woke up on Archie's bed, I knew I fucked up. I was so scared he'd be mad at me, but he wasn't. I promised I'd stop drinking. He said he was proud of me. I didn't feel like I did anything good. Even though I want so desperately to keep my promise, I'm scared that I'll get wasted and ruin our friendship. I don't know what I'd do without him. Yesterday, the gang met up at the pub and I didn't drink. It wasn't easy, especially since they wouldn't stop pestering me about my house getting "broken into". It's been the latest talk.

"I thought you were gonna stay home that day," Rae said. "Yeah, I was, but Archie rang and I was with him instead." I quickly lied. That should've been enough, but they continued on with the subject. "What'd you do all day?" Chloe asked. I didn't know what to say. There was a slight pause before Archie butted in, saying some dumb thing about us studying and watching MTV. That seemed to be enough for them. "Good thing you weren't there then. Who knows what'd've happened." Chloe added. "Yeah, my cousin knew this guy who died during a robbery. It's true. Figure Finn could've been shot or somethin'." Chop belted, with an obnoxiously loud tone. "Yeah, well, I'm fine. So drop it, eh?" I snapped. No one had time to respond to my harsh jab before Jacob chimed in with "Can you believe we saw Oasis!?" Archie and I shared awkward glances. No one knew about the exchange Jacob and I shared beforehand. this was the first time we were all together since the show. I still felt terrible about it. I didn't mean to sound so stupid. It was on my mind the whole show.

"It was amazing!" Rae exclaimed. "I about died." The rest of the group continued on about the show as Archie and I were silent. Jacob held his hand under the table. It was me on Archie's right and Jacob on his left. I tried not to notice their hands. After a few minutes, Chop asked why I wasn't drinking. I shrugged. "I drink too much. Want to stop." The group, minus Archie, laughed simultaneously. "Good one," Jacob said, wiping fake tears out of his eyes. "So we've got a new designated driver." Izzy added. They were making a mockery of me. I tried not to get mad, but I was growing more and more irritated by the second. Didn't they realise how bad I'd gotten? Did they even care? "I think it's great. Good on you." Archie said, looking at me. In that moment he did it again, he somehow managed to make me feel not alone.

Later on that day, when I was by myself in my room, the same bitter loneliness crept back to me. I suddenly felt all alone. I wallowed for a few hours. It began to reach a peak at night and instead of turning to drink like I usually would have done, I called Archie and asked to come over for the night. I went to his house and we talked for a little bit about what happened before the concert. He said he was mad at me at first, but he got over it when he found me. He said his anger was replaced by fear and adrenaline as he rushed to get me out of the water. He asked why I drank. I felt terrible as I tried to explain that I felt so alone and didn't want to bother anyone. I felt pathetic. "We don't need to talk about this." He said, sensing my discomfort.

The TV was on in his room, but we weren't paying attention. I laid down on his bed, my arms folded behind my head acting as a pillow while he sat near my feet. "I'm just sorry." I told him. "It's okay." He responded. On the TV screen, a horror movie played. This dumb couple was in a tent, about to fuck. They didn't know the killer was behind them. He killed them by stabbing them through the tent. Blood splattered everywhere. Their cries were muffled by some romantic song the radio was playing. Archie looked bothered still. I sat up. "What's wrong?" I asked him. He hesitated. "Go on." I told him. He sighed. "I was just thinking of what you told me a while ago. About being depressed and all. And... I just want to know how long you've felt like that. What started it? And why didn't you come to me?" He asked. His voice threatened to quiver. It was clear he was upset. "I don't know what started it. I thought it was my mum, but it might have started before she died. I just... Didn't understand. I still don't, really. I didn't want to bother you with something I couldn't understand." I explained. Archie's eyes began to water. "I was so scared, Finn. I was so scared you were dead. I knocked on the door and you didn't answer. And when I found you..." He began, his voice layered with distress. He took his glasses off to cover his eyes with his hand for a moment before returning to add, "I thought you had tried to die deliberately. I can't go through losing someone like that again. Especially you. I don't know what I'd do without you, Finn. You're my best mate." He cried. Tears fell down his cheeks now and he buried his face with his hands once again.

I scooted closer to him and rubbed his back gently as he sniffled and cried some more. I was crying too. "I'm sorry," I told him. "Please stop crying." I said, my voice cracking subtly. "I don't know what I'd do, Finn." He said again. His face began to get bright red. "Last night, I had a dream you got badly stabbed. I ran for help but when it came, you were dead. You bled out. And I was just there thinking that I wasn't enough to save you." He told me. He began to cry harder. I hugged him, caressing his arm and softly shushing him. My tears fell on him too. I pulled him back so we were laying with each other, crying. His head rested in the space between my shoulder and head. I wrapped my arms around him, and we cried to sleep together.

The next day, I woke up and Archie was already awake. He tried to get up, but I stopped him, putting my arm around his shoulder. He looked up at me, and asked "Is this okay?" and I nodded yes, still sleepy. He asked if I slept well, apologising if he bothered me. I said it was fine. I looked at him, admiring his soft skin and facial features. He interrupted my thoughts when he told me, sheepishly, "Finn, I need to get up and look for my glasses." I chuckled, letting him go. I watched him look around the bed for them. When he got them, he put them on and flashed a meek smile in my direction. He then came and sat next to me on the bed. The sun was shining on his yellow curtains, and everything was slightly tinted. He looked like he was glowing. I smiled at him.

"I feel weird because I slept in my jeans." he told me. "Me too." I said. There was a pause. "Do you mind if I..?" I asked, gesturing to my pants. He shook his head. In a minute, both of our pants were off and we sat in silence once again. I glanced over at Archie. He was wearing tight briefs. "Your underwear's got triangles on them." I noted. Archie nodded. "Your underwear's got dots." He replied, after a moment. We sat there, looking at each other's underwear. His briefs were black, white trim, with orange triangle outlines on them. I knew they were Jacob's, not his. Archie hardly wears underwear with patterns. He's a pretty plain guy. I felt as if he was wondering if I noticed they weren't his.

We laid back down, top and tail this time. I was careful not to touch a bit of him. There was nothing sexual about it. "So, are you..." He began. "Gay?" I asked. He nodded. "No." I told him. There was a slight pause before Archie spoke again. "Good. Because I've got a boyfriend and all." He said. I felt a small twinge when he said "boyfriend" but I didn't respond. The thing was, I knew for sure that I wasn't gay. I've fancied girls my whole life. I've had a girlfriend. I've even messed around a bit with Rae and Chloe, but never any guys. I have never so much as even thought about a guy in that way, but for some reason I felt this attraction to Archie that grew as soon as he got an official boyfriend. First, I thought it might've just been that I was getting jealous of him spending so much time with someone that wasn't me. I didn't understand it. But I couldn't let Archie know I wasn't fully confident in my sexuality. I couldn't let anyone know. It had to be a secret. If I ignore it long enough it'll go away.

After a short while of staring at different points of Archie's ceiling, we decided to get up and eat something. As we ate, Archie casually slipped his dog scraps every couple of moments. The dog was a beagle, humorously named Stinker. He was fat and dopey, a lazy 10 year old dog his family took in as a puppy. As we sat eating, there was this silence that didn't feel as comfortable as the usual ones we shared. When we moved to the living room, the silence stayed present. It wasn't long before Jacob showed up. Before Archie answered the door, he rushed to wash his hands. As they greeted each other with a kiss, I tried to appear engaged with the TV and Stinker scampered off somewhere else, in a rush. I don't want to say I hate Jacob, but that's not too far from the truth. He's a rude asshole sometimes. There something off about him. He hasn't actually done that much to make me come to that conclusion. It's just a vibe I get. I don't know. I guess sometimes you should ignore that gut feeling. Everything was awkward, so I decided to leave. I said goodbye and headed home on foot. As I walked outside in the light, I had this terrible feeling like I didn't belong there.