Roll With It

The Whole Heart Shrinks

A tomb now suffices him for whom the whole world was not sufficient. Alexander the great said that. The quote is fresh in my memory as I walk through the cemetery. I park far away, forcing myself to walk through the bright green grass, watching my feet to avoid stepping on the markers on the ground. I think I parked so far away in order to give myself time to change my mind, go back to my car. I think of doing that, but in the end I don't. Instead, I force my body to walk up the grass hill for seven minutes, until I finally reach it. Near the top of the hill, I stop and admire my brother's marker.

I should be used to seeing his name there, with two dates and a hyphen. His whole life crammed in one little symbol between two dates. He has been dead for more years than we coexisted. It doesn't feel like I ever had a brother sometimes. But more often than not, I catch myself wondering what he'd think of me. Would he accept me for who I am? Would he love his gay brother, with all his mistakes, failures and shortcomings? I don't know. I never will. I am finally accepting that. You should never look too long for the answers that may never come your way. It hurts too much, and wondering gets you nowhere.

Almost ten months after I moved in with Finn, we finally began to date. I basically had to give him permission to flirt back. He was always so afraid of hurting me back then. We shared soft kisses, slept in the same bed a few times before we officially were boyfriends. I eased him into it. The first time we had sex was incredible. Gentle. The first time I had sex with a guy, it was clumsy. Rough. Jacob didn't ease me into anything. He held me down, sometimes tying me up so I couldn't resist. It made the idea of sex so nerve wrecking. I didn't want to do that to Finn. I was slow. I kept asking him if it was okay. We went at an appropriate pace. When I first entered him, I was surprised when he laughed, so I laughed. He was blushing, and so was I. It was so special. I'll always cherish that. Being able to laugh during sex with someone is amazing.

One memory sticks out to me when I think back on this time in my life. It's a simple one. I had just woken up, and he had already made breakfast. I was sitting, in pajamas with scruffy hair and sleep present in my eyes, across from him at the table. I had one knee to my chest, with my cup of tea resting on it as both of my hands held the cup. As I quietly sipped my tea, not yet touching my food, I noticed Finn looking at me, smiling. "What?" I asked him. "You're cute," He told me. I laughed in response. I looked and felt like shit that morning. "Really," He began, looking me in the eyes. "You have no idea how beautiful you are." He told me.

He was a good boyfriend. He was always so good to me. At that point in my life, I wasn't out. Everything was done and carried out behind closed closet doors. To everyone else, we were simply flatmates. I was okay with it. It was so comfortable. It was brief, but had an impact. It was the best year of my life. We ended it to save our friendship. Sneaking around didn't feel right after a while, and the risk of possibly not being friends after the end was scary. We ended on good terms; the breakup wasn't nasty or anything. I did move out right away, though. It just seemed appropriate.

Finn struggled a lot with drinking after I left. I guess it was because no one was there to stop him anymore. He was trying to fix it himself, but the whole gang had a meeting and we convinced him that he had to enter a program. So he did, and he's been two years sober. It makes me proud. But it also makes me guilty. If I hadn't been so sucked into my own life and my toxic relationship, maybe I could've helped him stop earlier. Maybe he wouldn't have had to enter a program to help him. I might have been enough. Maybe. But, like I said, I can't stay focused on understanding the past when the future is just in front of me, waiting for me to let it happen.

As for everyone else, Izzy and Chop ended up together. They're about to have their first kid. Chloe, on the other hand, runs through boyfriends like they're going out of style. Every time I see her, she's got a new guy with his arm wrapped around her shoulder. As for Rae, her and Finn ended up together. Everyone expected this. It was only a matter of time. What I didn't expect was how jealous it would make me. I was bitter for a short period of time before I took a step back, and realized it was the best. Finn would be happiest this way. They're getting married later this year.

Somewhere along the line, after Finn and I broke up, Jacob returned to Stamford and we reconnected. I was living alone at this point, and let him come into my house. It had been so long, I honestly believed that he changed. Despite Finn and Rae saying that I shouldn't have, I took him back. It was fine for a few weeks before he started hitting me again. My friends were sure to check in on me, and when they saw the bruises, well... they opened my eyes (for the second time) and I left him. I heard Finn and him had a fight not long after that. I think the fight was the only reason Jacob let me leave. I never asked about it or thanked Finn for it. In fact, I don't think he knows that Rae told me he beat Jacob up.

I began speaking out about my past with domestic violence at events. For a very short period of time, I was an operator for a domestic violence hotline. That was very intense for me, and after only two months, I had to leave. Every time I answered the phone for someone, it was like reliving all the horrible things that were done to me.

Now, at 29, I work with gay youth at the local LGBTQ centre. I offer support and host weekly group meetings for gay youth specifically where we all sit around and talk. The topics always differ. Sometimes we talk about coming out, sometimes we talk about relationships and mental health. I'm there every Friday night. I wouldn't change it for the world. Just knowing that I've helped so many kids with coming out and continuing to live despite all the hate that is still present in the world is amazing. I feel like I have a purpose in life. I look forward to living. That's all I want. If I had a chance for another try in life, I don't think I'd change anything.

I'm happy now.