Roll With It

4. Moving On

I will not think about him. I will not think about his brown hair. I will not think about his gleaming eyes covered by his thick rimmed glasses. I will not think about his slightly imperfect smile. I will not think about his voice and how he can go on and on about history for ages and never run out of things to talk about. I will not think about the way he says my name. I will not think about his underwear and the outline of his bulge I saw that day after I spent the night. I will not think about our childhood together. I will not think about his laugh. I will not think about him, anymore.

My mind is toxic. It's been three weeks without a drink after a slight slip up. My mind is screaming at me to go to the pub. It's 1 in the morning and I'm pissed. I need to take the edge off. I need to calm down. I need liquor. I need any high. Cigarettes aren't enough. Weed makes me nauseated. I just want something to help me let go of the night I had with Archie. My head is pounding. It aches so fucking bad. I've dug my nails into my forearm to the point where they draw the tiniest speckle of blood. It's all because I keep seeing his stupid face.

I never want to see him again.

I can manage without him.

The night begin so lighthearted and normal. Archie, Chop, and I went bowling. It was supposed to be a guy thing, but Jacob flaked out on us. I wasn't disappointed. In fact, I was relieved he wasn't there. Without him, we were able to have real fun. We were just joking around, eating cheesy chips and drinking sodas. It was really nice because the three of us hardly ever get to hang out together alone. After a game or two, we took Chop home, the radio playing familiar songs we didn't particularly like. It was about 10 PM and I wasn't ready to go home. Every time I go home late at night and I'm alone, my depression climaxes even if it was a good night, putting a damper on the whole situation. So I persuaded Archie into driving around with me for a while. It was just me and Archie in the car, me driving while Archie sat in the passenger seat sort of tensely. After a song or two passes, I finally ask what's up with him. He doesn't break his gaze from the road when he says it's nothing, it's just that he promised Jacob he'd be home by 10:30. I scoff in response. "He doesn't own you, you know." I told him. He pursed his lips, deeply inhaling before exhaling softly. "I know," he responded. "I don't think you do." I retort. "How are you going to tell me what I know and what I don't know. Shut up." Archie says, irritated. I don't want to fight, so I don't say anything.

For a moment, we sit in in an awkward silence similar to the ones that we've been sharing a lot recently. Then, a familiar instrumental begins. I don't remember it at first. After a few seconds it hits me. I turn to Archie to say something and at the same time, he turns to me and says through a grin, "I haven't heard this song in years!" I smile back in agreement. We start singing along sloppily and out of tune with the radio.

Didn't know what time it was and lights were low, I leaned back on my radio, Some cat was layin' down some rock 'n' roll 'lotta soul, he said Then the loud sound did seem to fade, Came back like a slow voice on a wave of phase, That weren't no D.J. that was hazy cosmic jive...

Archie drummed on the dash before we both began to belt the chorus, "There's a starman waiting in the sky, He'd like to come and meet us, But he thinks he'd blow our minds..."

We sang along with all the other songs that came on after, not feeling anything but those moments. A few songs by the Beatles played. Another Bowie, and an Oasis track. It didn't matter that we weren't professional singers. There was no holding back. Archie glanced at the radio at one point and gasped. "You have to take me home, now." He said, his voice laced with fear. "What's wrong?" I ask. "I'm so late. Really, Finn. Please." His voice was different. His breathing erratic. I looked at the clock. It was only 11. "Archie, is everything okay?" I ask. He suddenly snaps at me. "It's really none of your fucking business, Finn. Leave me alone. Please. Just take me home and leave me alone." He ordered. His tone frightened me, so I don't argue. I've never heard him so scared or angry. Stunned, I begin driving him home, him breathing in and out consciously as he tried to regulate his system. When we pull up, he begs me not to tell anyone. I promise, though thoroughly pissed off.

He barely gives me time to stop before he opens the door to leave. As he's walking up to the house, Jacob opens the door, as if he'd been staring outside awaiting his arrival. I expect some sappy kisses or a romantic embrace. Intend, he roughly jerks Archie into the house by the arm and slams the door. It felt off. I had a slight twinge of worry, but at that point, I was too pissed to actually do anything. I quickly sped off.

Why is it that the people that deserve so much better don't know it? They don't know how bad their situation actually is because they accept what they think they deserve. That's why they're content with their bad relationships, being mistreated and getting less than they worked for. Him and Jacob are nauseating. Jacob is one of those friends that everyone puts up with without knowing why. Chop was that friend for a while. But I understand him now. We love Chop because he's funny and nice whilst being a bit annoying. It evens out. Jacob is just annoying and rude. No matter who tells Archie, he won't listen. We're a bit fed up with it, Rae and I. I try to stay out of it, but it poses difficult sometimes.

One day, however, I happened to share my feelings with Rae and to my surprise she had similar opinions about Archie and Jacob. The gut feeling I had, Rae had too. We just hadn't realised we weren't the only ones who felt that things were a little bit off. Ever since we opened up about our feelings, I've noticed that a lot of the things that bother me about them have been happening more. The way they're too attached and how submissive Archie seems to be around Jacob. Maybe their actions are just more apparent now that my feelings were validated. Either way, I just feel as if things are a bit off. It's a problem for another day. I need to focus on bettering myself instead of trying to fix other people's problems.

Everyone's been so fucking rude to me about this. No one believes that I can do it. The laugh off my struggles. I don't think anyone realises how bad I was. Only Archie does, and that's ruined now. Because I'm never going to talk to him again, the only one who knows my whole story will be gone. No one else knows that I was only thirteen when I started drinking. No one will understand that I began the very long, self destructive path at an age where I hadn't even been kissed yet, and my body was still developing. Maybe that's why I have such high tolerance.

I made my way from a few cups to a half of a bottle in a few weeks, and only Archie was there for me through it all. By the time I was fifteen, I was drinking a gallon or more in a night, a few times a week. My first week of colleges, I downed two beers chased with two large drinks of rum. I remember throwing up in my room a few times before passing out. I missed two days of school. Archie lied and said I had the flu. He even did my work for me. All this time, no one else knew how horrible I was. Am. And no one else has to know.The most physical and emotional withdrawals are seen in people who cut cold turkey. I tried that. I think it'd be in my best interest to ween myself, like a baby. I don't know how I'm going to do it exactly. All I know is that I'm going to be a better person soon. And I'll do it without him.