Roll With It

8. What's It Feel Like To Be A Ghost?

With Archie being so far gone, it's easy for me to forget how close we used to be. It gets me sad, and scared as well. Today's my birthday, and it hurts to think that he won't be at my party, with the gang and everyone else. We've known each other practically our whole lives, and in all that time we've known each other, we haven't missed any birthday parties. We were best friends, and hopefully we still are. A part of me is barely clinging onto the hope that he still loves me. No matter what, I know I'll always love him. He's my best mate, my day one. You can't let go of someone like that. Friends like that are supposed to be around forever. You're supposed to see each other get married and be each other's best mans. You're supposed to see their kids grow up and baby sit once in a while. You're not supposed to avoid them for months on end. You're not supposed to sit and watch them be broken down by someone who's supposed to love them. I want to help him so bad, but I don't know what to do.

I sat down in my room, thinking to myself. I remember when we were younger, around 11 or 12 and I was being made fun of a lot. One main bully lead a group of more bullies around to bother me. All of them would try to beat me up and chase me around the schoolyard constantly. Archie stood up for me one day, and beat up the biggest bully, the leader. He bloodied his nose and was suspended from school, but none of those boys ever made fun of me again. Since that moment, I felt like he was my saviour. The day he got me out and rescued me from drowning in the bathroom, that feeling was multiplied. Now, my mind has changed. He's not my saviour and, despite the current situation, I'm not his either. We're both just ordinary people who need help getting by. I guess that's all anyone is. I suddenly heard a knock on my door as Rae walked in.

"What's with the look on your face?" She asked right away. "What?" I responded, trying to play it off. I really didn't want to have one of our usual cafe discussions in my bedroom. "Don't 'what?' me. Something's bothering you. You can't hide it." Rae told me, seeing through my mask. I sighed in response. "I'm still worried about Archie." I told her. She gave me a sympathetic look. "Yeah, but don't worry about it now, Finn. It's your special special day." Rae said. "Yeah..." I said, stuck in my own world. We sat on my bed for a quiet moment. "You know, we could go see him." Rae said, glancing at the clock on my wall. I looked up at it, seeing that it was 10:30 AM. Archie was on the clock.

We got to the store and found him shelving. Once again, he looked banged up. Though I only saw him from the side at first, I could tell that the cut on his forehead was now accompanied by light brushing on his face. His left cheek was discoloured, a light brown splotch replacing his usual pale complexion. I walked up to him, tapping him on the shoulder. He flinched, his arms and elbows retreating into his sides as a result before he turned to face me. Then, I saw he had a cut on the bridge of his nose. It was getting worse and worse. "Arch.." I said, not knowing where to begin. "Finn." He said, standing up and hugging me. He did it so naturally, like we haven't been fighting. I glanced at Rae, and she looked just as confused as I was. "Happy birthday." He told me. Rae and I were quiet, and Archie looked at each of us separately. He was making a hard attempt to smile normally, but I could tell it was forced.

"Arch, this has got to stop," I said, looking at him straight in the eyes. They didn't look the same and they didn't look at mine in the same way. They were dull, shifty. Jacob had hurt him so badly, he was losing who he once was. "What?" He asked, genuinely confused. He sounded so innocent. Clueless. "He shouldn't hit you. No one should hurt you. You deserve better than that." Rae told him. His smile faded and he got back down to work on the bottom shelf. "I'm fine," He said, looking down. "No, you're not." I told him. "Not fine, not okay. None of this is okay." I added.

Rae and I paused, waiting for him to comment, but he kept doing his job, avoiding the conversation. "Archie, I love you. I just want you to be okay." I told him. "I am okay." He said, looking up at me. "So you guys can just leave me alone." I looked into his eyes again for a moment. I remembered sleepovers at each other's houses as kids, camping trips, school dances, him crying at his brother's funeral and me hugging him. This all came to me and faded away in a second. "I'll see you, Archie." I told him. "Come on, Rae." I said, and we left. While I was walking away, I kept thinking to myself, "Don't look back. Whatever you do, don't look back." And I didn't.