Roll With It

3. No Other One

I'm driving aimlessly around, thinking about my life. How cliché. But in my defence, there are a few things to think about. I guess the biggest one is my brother, Alan. My brother tried to take his own life when I was thirteen years old. I came back from school one day and my mum was in a hurry out the door. I asked what was wrong and she told me she had to go to my brother's college. She looked panicked as she quickly left. I was alone in the house, thinking everything was alright. No one ever said what happened but I eventually found the story out. He had overdosed on pills and a teacher found him. He tried to die in the bathroom, which I didn't get. Who would ever want to die on the toilet? Maybe it was a metaphor. I don't know for sure though. All I knew is that I had never been more scared in my life. When he came out of hospital, he had a different feel about him. He wasn't dead, but the person I knew him to be was. They pumped his stomach and was given charcoal treatment. He came back home bruised from when he fell to the ground, passed out and almost dead.

Half a year later, he tried to kill himself again. He was found by my dad on the bathroom floor, a puddle of his own blood under him. His room was tidied up, and he was a very messy person. Blood stains decorated his bed. It was apparent that he had began the process there. I wish that the blade was dull. I wish that he was found earlier, when he had only gotten through a few layers of flesh. I wish that it was a tough experience that came and went and no one ever talked about. I wish that he was alive today, with puffy scars on his wrists. But instead, we buried him. A year later, we turned his room into a sewing room. His pictures were taken off the walls because it hurt mum too much. It was like he never existed. Maybe that's why I don't think about it much. It was so easy to forget.

None of us spoke of it. We still don't. We barely even talked about his issues when he was alive, and we carried on with that tradition after his death. I don't know why. I guess it just didn't seem like appropriate dinner conversation. When was the right time? Was there something I could've done? I hardly think about those few weeks where I feel brokenhearted and afraid, having nightmare upon nightmare. Instead of replying of my sorrows like some people do, I have learned to erase them from my memory. Or just shove them far back. I wish there was a way to get a hold of this fear and sadness I just threw away. It feels like I don't feel anything. I guess I should be thankful that I'm not totally depressed, but I'm not. Is numbness a part of depression?

I am not totally numb. I do feel usual emotions, like happiness and love. I love the people in my life, like Jacob, Finn and the rest of the gang. Along with that love, I also feel a bit of envy. I wish I was funny like Rae, or strong like Chloe. For once, I want to be the one who makes the gang bust out in laughter. I want to be funny and self aware. I wish I was in tune with all of my emotions like Finn. Finn is able to feel. He is able to hold onto memories. His problem, however, is that he feels too much and doesn't know how to not be so sad.

A lot has happened in his life. There's been so much pain, stemming from his mum dying and his dad remarrying after a period of horrid depression, and I'm not trying to belittle that. I'm just trying to say that I wish he could cope better. I guess emotions are something that we cannot control. I bet Finn doesn't want to be depressed like I don't want to be totally content with my life. Maybe you can learn to change how you feel by practicing. I'd assume that therapy exists for that reason. But Finn doesn't go anyway. It's like he's content in being hurt. I, however, won't let him drag me down with him.

The fact is, I am perfectly content with every aspect of my life. Just because Finn isn't, that doesn't mean that I have to try to sacrifice my happiness for the sake of contributing to his. Jacob says I put too much energy into Finn. I'm realising now that he's right. He usually is right about these things. The other day, when Finn was over and Jacob came in, things got awkward fast. Finn left and immediately after, Jacob got on me about how often he was over lately. He said it was as if he lived here. I hate to admit it, but Jacob is right. Finn is here all the time, and I don't know why because he has his own house and family. So why does he want mine? I know being at his house is not exactly the first thing he wants but it's not my fault that he ruined the bathroom. The only thing I take blame for is not shutting the door on the way out. Either way, what happened is in the past and it's all over now. We need to move on. I plan to move on by putting my energy into maintaining my relationship with Jacob, not Finn.

Jacob the most loving boyfriend in the world. The has given me most perfect relationship that I could ever imagine. The only downside is the fact that we have to keep our relationship a secret. But that's my fault for not being out. Jacob has told most everyone that he's bisexual. So it's just me that's saying I'm straight. Only Finn and Rae know. And Rae only knows by accident. Sometimes I feel guilty that I can't get over myself and just officially come out so I can openly be with Jacob and make his life a little easier. He has it so rough with his family.

He went from home to home before his adoptive parents took him in. They were good to him growing up– there was no pain. But things change. Now, things are different. Now, his dad's got stage three cancer, and goes to chemo every week. Jacob goes to every session. On top of that, he's always worried about schoolwork and keeping his job at the record shop. But he manages. I hate to add on to the stress he already has, though. It makes me feel so guilty. The guilt makes me want to change, and I know I have to for him. I want to be good to him. He deserves it more than anyone else.

I am willing to make sacrifices for Jacob. If it gives him less stress to deal with, I'll spend more time with him and less time with Finn or anyone else. I want to make him feel better because he's dealt with a lot and still goes through so much. He even has to deal with shit when he's not around. One time, when I was with the gang minus Jacob and Finn, some asshole guy from town asked where "the Mexican" was. This was obviously in reference to Jacob, and I said, "Don't call him, that it's racist." He asked how was that racist if hewas Mexican. I replied that it was how he said it, exaggerating the "Mexican" in the sentence and not referring to him by name when he knew it. The guy said I was being too sensitive and left. It really bothered me. I'm not too sensitive, either. It's the 90's. People are still racist and hateful. There's no justification for it. I don't usually dwell on the negatives but it really bothers me sometimes.

But I'm going to focus on the beauty in life. The fact that Jacob and I are together is beautiful. I love him so much. His eyes and hair and skin, all different and beautiful hues of brown. When our bodies form, it's like mixing colours in an art studio. He is art. The abundance of moles on his back that I observe whilst he sleeps are beautiful. I think they'd all come together to form majestic constellations if I sat for hours, figuring out where to connect the dots with a washable marker. Then, we'd share a shower as I washed the lines off. We'd come together again to make art. Those religious protesters are wrong when they say we can't make something worth anything. We can't produce children, but we still make art every time we have sex. It's more than sex. It's love. And love can make anything worthwhile.

I am so lucky. I have found the one. I think about that every day. I think about how lucky I am to be in this situation. Jacob protects me. Jacob loves me and he knows what's right for me, even when I don't. He always has an answer for my questions and a solution for my problems. He's the absolute perfect guy for me. We're going to be together no matter what. When we say "forever" it feels like it's the most honest thing anyone has ever said. Nothing will convince me otherwise.