Speechless (Muke)

DAY 12:

Words For Mikey: Day 12

Sine qua non: an essential condition or element, an indispensable thing

You're my sine qua non, my indispensable thing. I could never let you go. You are absolutely necessary to me and I need you back right now Michael. The school threw a bit of a surprize my way today and I must apologize. Had I known beforehand they were going to read your essay I would not have gone. I do think that we won over a few people, possibly owing to my minor break down. But regardless, the muke ship is picking up some crew members now. So, you know, you'd better wake up now otherwise even more people will sink with us. I read my essay too by the way. Because it's about you and all, but I will admit that it was near impossible to read, even though in the end it was your essay that caused my emotional breakdown. Anyways, you should wake up, because, fuck Michael, it hurts so damn bad without you here. And I'm not sure how much longer I can take it.

I love you,

Luke

Luke's grown used to feeling tired by now. He's tired of waiting, tired of knowing he wasn't good enough, tired of hurting, tired of pretending, tired of fear, tired of being tired. But he's grown used to it. So why is it that when he wakes up this morning feeling tired he can hardly function? He's supposed to be able to deal with being tired, but today it all weighs heavier on him than it has since the day they first arrived at the hospital. Luke feels like Atlas with the world on his back. And he thinks bitterly that this is just some test of strength or character and it makes him want to scream. He isn't strong at all, not like Michael was, and he knows that it's just a matter of time before everything falls apart on him and crushes him in the ruins of it all. And Luke wants so desperately to be crushed. He wants to be ruined and destroyed, and oh God without Michael Luke just wants to die. And it all weighs on him today, it drags him down to the point where even the smallest movements he makes appear sluggish. Each step seems to drain him of all his energy and Luke doesn't know how he's supposed to function today. How he's supposed to pretend and how he's supposed to exist. If he's even doing that anymore.

"Luke, buddy. You alright there?" Ashton asks him gently as he nearly topples down the stairs.

"Mhmm," Luke hums, trying to morph his face into a more alert one. A more energized one. Anything really.

"Okay," Ashton seems to believe Luke's lies and heads to the kitchen.

Luke blinks and realizes that under some sort of sleepy haze he actually dressed himself. They're the same jeans as yesterday, but the flannel shirt is different and Michael's shirt underneath it is a different one as well. His socks don't match but Luke figures no one will see his socks anyways. His hair he doesn't even bother with, knowing that it'll be unmanageable with his lethargic mood.

"Luke you want a coffee?" Ashton asks.

He's expecting Luke to say no. Liz is expecting Luke to say no. Calum's expecting Luke to say no. Tatiana is expecting Luke to say no. Hell, Luke is expecting himself to say no. So why does he say yes? They know Luke gets hyper with coffee but Luke is drained today and he really needs some caffeine.

"Yeah I'll take a cup," he muttered.

"Um alright. Sugar and milk?"

"No don't give him sugar," Liz refuses.

"Yes to both, Ash," Luke answers.

Ashton bites his lip bit after one look at Luke he dumped two spoons in and passed the cup to Luke who nearly dropped it out of fatigue.

Liz was suddenly reminded of the time she had nearly poured coffee all over the counter except for Michael swooping in and moving her cup. It struck her out of nowhere and she fell into a daze of her own. He was too sweet and too kind. People used that against him and it broke him, it crushed him. And Liz knew Michael truly didn't deserve what happened.