Speechless (Muke)

DAY 20:

Words For Mikey: Day 20

Solace: comfort in time of grief; alleviation of grief or anxiety.

I'm happy today. For the first time since you walked out of my life I'm happy. And it's because I finally know for sure that you're going to be okay. The day started extremely stressfully, we took the mask off of you in exchange for cannula tubes, which by the way, is that tube that goes up your nose. Although your doctor says that it doesn't actually go up your nose, but sits in front of your nostrils. I still think it goes in. We all can't wait for you to wake up, to see your eyes again. Well at least I can't wait. It's easier having Ashton, Calum, Tatiana and my mum on my side instead of against me. It makes it easier to manage the pain. We had an unexpected visitor today and Tatiana is still trying to explain what's happening to her. I had to explain what had happened to her as well since apparently I know the most or some shit like that. Basically I knew you best and knew things that the others didn't, but I feel like I didn't know everything either. I wanted to be the person you could come to for anything and everything. I wanted to be the person you told everything and never hesitates to tell everything. I wanted to be your everything, Mikey. But I can't help but feel like I wasn't that person for you. Sorry.

I love you,

Luke

"Have you slept at all since Lucy intervened?" Tatiana asked.

It was nearing on dawn and Tatiana had just relieved Ashton of his task of watching Luke. They were very determined to not lose another friend to suicide.

"No," Luke muttered.

Tatiana only sighed taking a seat on the chair next to Michael's bed which now had the blonde boy perched on the edge and holding Michael's hand gently.

Luke notices that she doesn't bother to tell him to sleep and in all honesty he's glad. The last thing he really needs or wants is someone trying to tell him what to do and what's best for him. He can't stand it when people try and tell him how to live his life. If it was up to them to dictate what he does it would be their life and not his.

"You know, Luke I had a friend once who committed," Tatiana said suddenly. "She was my absolute best friend you know? One of those people that couldn't even think about leaving you alone. She was an amazing person. Always wanted to make sure everyone else was okay. I never really thought she had it in her to be sad like she was, but you know, sometimes the people that make others feel most loved and happiest are the people who are loneliest and saddest," Tatiana picked at a loose thread in her sweat pants. "She started confining in me a while before it happened. I was so heartbroken; I thought that she knew that I loved her like a sister and that I would always be there for hurt. God it hurt so bad, but that wasn't even the worst of it. She never actually told me what was going on that made her feel like she had to kill herself. Sometimes I think that if I had just told our other friends or showed her more often that I cared then she could have gotten better," Tatiana had to pause to wipe at unshed tears. "We were only sixteen!" she cried. "She deserved so much more, to live so much longer. She deserved someone to give her the world and more, but nobody ever did. And I had to stand at her funeral and give a eulogy for her like some other robot of society because it's the 'right thing to do', but it felt so wrong. It felt like something was missing, for the longest time I forgot how to do the simple things. I lost the will to do the things we used to do together by myself. It took me a month to get on the fucking bus we used to take and sit by myself in the seat we used to share. It felt like part of me was missing. I don't really remember being sad though. I just remember there being a lot of pain and then I was just sort of numb for a while. I remember there used to be moments where someone would do something she used to do and I just forgot how to function for a while, blindsided by pain for a moment. Then I would get panic attacks randomly, like oh my God she's gone and she's never coming back. It wasn't like when she went on vacation for a month because there was no returning from where she went. I remember for a long time all I could do was blame myself, I still do sometimes. But I've gotten better. I know you might not think it's the same because you loved Michael, but fuck I loved her too. Even if it wasn't in the romantic sense, I would've laid down my life if she needed me to dammit. But I'm finally okay now. And Luke, if things had gone differently, I know you could've been okay too," Tatiana finished.