I get called smart, but for all the wrong reasons.
I get called smart because I like to read.
I like to read because I know too much about the real world and simply want to forget it.
I don't want to be in it.
I want to dive into another life, be someone that is not me.
I get called smart because I don't do drugs.
However as smoke feels my lungs, I cough until it is easier to breathe.
I feel my eyes turn red and I wonder how many around me would judge if they knew that I am not really above anything that can make me feel new?
I don't do drugs, because I have other addictions to love.
Such as the adrenaline rush I get from dangerous things that brings life to my numb soul again even though it also brings pain.
I get called smart because I keep my grades up.
I keep my grades up because I need something to focus on so that I don't plummet into the dark hole that is my mind begging me to stop trying.
I get called smart, because I write so much.
I write so much because I feel everything and have no one to tell, not one person to talk to that would understand the tangled web of thoughts that race behind my eyes whether opened or closed now.
I get called smart because I know when to smile and nod even though I have no idea what is going on.
I smile and nod because I can only hope this time I'll be enough for them to quit asking me what is wrong.
Please quit asking me to tell you how I feel because I could scream it into the air and not one person would know still.
I don't even know myself anymore.
I get called smart because I know which clothes match and which don't.
I know what to wear, what to say, what to do, yet I don't know how to face a crowd without panicking.
I don't know how to be alone without crying.
I don't know how to live without feeling like dying.
I know this, because I want them to notice only my outside look, please don't try looking any closer.
Don't look at the bags under my eyes or my hands as they shake with anxiety you could say.
Don't look at the weight loss around my waist as I starve myself to feel at peace with the body God has given me, because I cannot force myself to be happy
Don't look too deep into me or you'll see that I am actually just a shallow pond, completely unoriginal.
I'm a zombie trying to pass for human.
I get called smart, but God, I feel so dumb.
I feel so dumb, because I never know who to trust.
I don't know where to go or how to slow my own breathing.
I don't know who to trust, because I know myself and I'm absolutely clueless and reckless, but how could you tell?
How would you know anything about me?
If I can't trust myself, how in the hell could I trust you?
I feel so dumb because I can't face the facts of life.
I know I have to die, but I don't know if I want to continue or if I should be afraid.
That I am going nowhere and there is this delusion that something will change giving me all I have left to lean on.
I can't face the facts, because I have so many different fantasies hoping for one to replace my reality.
Hoping that someday a tornado will come to sweep me away and take me to Oz so that I do not have to face the trials of each day.
I feel so dumb because I have to force myself to laugh instead of feeling like it is meant to be on my face just every once in a while.
I have to force myself to smile, remind myself to blink, to sleep, to eat.
I have to force myself to laugh because I don't truly know what was said because I wasn't listening.
I was stuck in the past, surrounded by memories and voices of people that never loved me.
I feel so dumb because I'm lost inside myself.
Lost inside a girl that has big dreams, but no real motivation to accomplish them.
I'm like a turtle stuck in her shell, not understanding that I can leave.
Who am I kidding?
I'm lost because I don't know who I am or what I want or how to slow down as everything around and within me just speeds up constantly.
I don't know who I am, so how could I be so smart?!
Do you understand the credit you are giving me?
How can you think this about me and what gives me the right to tell you just how wrong you are?
Or with that, how could I be so unnoticeably dumb?
Or do you just not notice me at all?
