I remember the day I met him.
I was around five and climbed my way into a white van that reeked of alcohol.
Inside was the man I was supposed to call dad and his brother that knew no better.
They were the ones drinking.
Mom was excited, leaving me to be terrified all on my own.
It was a new adventure, a new challenge.
On the way to where ever it was we were going, I rolled down my window.
I just wanted to feel the wind again.
I was tired of being suffocated, but by the time my arm went outside the car,
a bee had ended it's life to me.
I think that's why I remember so clearly.
Because of that bee sting, I can tell you what it was to meet my new family.
From then on, everything was different.
Constant arguments.
I would cry and scream and beg him to stop.
Stop hitting my mommy.
Please God, make it stop.
I think for a while I cared more about her than she cared for herself.
I remember rides with them in the car, they were always holding hands
And a birthday party or two, where they seemed to be best friends.
I remember all the "I love you"s and then the sirens screaming.
The hospital trips seemed never ending.
And each time she came up with a different excuse.
Protecting him meant more than the truth.
I remember being completely alone in a place I was supposed to call home.
I remember taking care of the kids as if they were my own.
I remember him leaving, only to come back the next month.
I remember wishing and hoping that this time he'd move on.
I remember him drinking without a care in the world,
As if there was nothing else for him to do
And mom working, while I was left stuck between the two.
I remember the first time that it happened.
Just let that sink in.
I didn't have a clue.
No one deserves this.
I remember screaming and reaching out to grab onto the one man that I was told would protect me, only to see him roll over and droll.
I remember the sobs that choked my throat and the feel of my shirt going up, while I kept telling this stranger NO.
Then, I remember it happening again and again.
I remember thinking it couldn't have been just him.
I did something, maybe the world just hates me?
I remember the night before.
I remember the last time I really believed in myself.
I remember my mom getting home that same night around eleven o'clock and picking me up.
I remember how scared I was to tell her about how I had messed up.
I remember saying sorry hundreds of times over.
I remember the way she ran out to tell the father.
I remember leaving out about the part of him rolling over.
How could I tell my mom the guy she loved left me out there?
From then on, all the arguments were my fault.
I remember going to his friends Jeff's house to see another girl sitting on my dad's lap.
I remember calling my mom and then the fight.
I remember that next fourth of July.
I remember the laughs at my mom's expense.
I remember having no friends.
I remember hiding the kids.
I remember them calling me mom for the first time and how my heart swelled up with pride as tears filled my eyes.
I remember him finally leaving, and hoping, no wishing, he was dead.
I remember her leaving, but it was different.
She wasn't gone, just broken.
No support, no happiness, and no one that could fix it.
I remember the drugs, the move, the darkness.
I remember all her friends and the day they crashed his car.
I remember being homeless...having nowhere to go.
I remember actually missing him, but it wasn't really him that I missed.
Then came the phone call.
I remember staying with Pawpaw and the day the cops came and forced me to leave.
I remember the first night at his house, with his new wife and kids.
I remember refusing to go in.
I remember breaking down and finally losing it.
I remember fighting.
Then fighting became all I knew.
I remember every name he called me, every time we screamed.
I remember the first time I made myself bleed and exactly what I was thinking before I tried to end my own life.
Now, I hope you all remember me.
I hope you remember the girl that was always smiling.
I hope you remember that little four-eyed cheerleading with a bush full of hair.
I hope you remember the girl that was loud and crazy and laughed over little things.
I hope you remember the happiest moment you've had with me.
I hope you forget.
I hope you forget about the scars, the screams, the bad memories.
Just promise to remember the best version of me.
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