Thoughts and Rambles

Just another rant

I feel like I should talk to my dad but at the same time I feel like he literally fucked up everything I knew about him in one sitting. I'm scared. He was such an important part of my life and dropping him out of it is hell, but then I feel like I don't even know him, he loved me more than anyone else but he left out so many important details... I don't know what I should believe anymore with him though. I miss the type of relationship we had, he was the only adult who spoke to me like I was a fully functioning person and not an incompetent child. I just want that feeling of security back. I don't know why i'm telling you all this but I feel like i'm not gonna be able to get what i'm craving from him, from anybody else.

"Why am I such a hypocrite ?"

He lied to me. He lied about pretty much everything. He said all this bullshit about how he's trying to do better, how he's got all these job offers, we're gonna be stable, that I didn't need to worry about anything. He said he was over my mom to me and to his supposed "girlfriend" at the time, if you can even call her that. He that he didn't like his girlfriend because she was too "emotional" and then turned right around and texts my mother about how much he missed her. I know my mom had been trying to keep that stuff from me, I've known for a long time. He was always quick to bring up some bad that my mom was doing and never admitting his own. That had only left me with a false image of my dad and I had been blind to the fact that he'd even done wrong in the first place, me and him were so close that I'd be the first one wanting to defend him over anyone else. I felt used and I felt like he could have been open with me but he wasn't so I had to distance myself.