A L I V E [h.s]

Chapter 15

HARRY'S POV

The pizza arrives and after paying the deliveryman I close the door and find Eleanor standing in front of the chimney, looking at the photos.

- You were very cute when you were little.- She says and I smile.

- Am I cute now aswell?- She looks at me without saying anything.

- Pizza!- She says excited.

- I think we have some of my sister's stuff upstairs, in her old bedroom, there must be some Disney movies.- She smiles sweetly.- Be right back.- I go upstairs quickly and look for the box where my sister used to keep her movies. When I finally find it I take it and go downstairs.- We can watch it on the couch using my laptop.

- Sure.- She says. I take my laptop and we get comfortable before the film starts. Eleanor decides that she wants to watch The Lady and the Tramp. She sits next to me, the hot pizzas separates our legs and I put my arm around her shoulders. She rests her head on my shoulder and I feel her jaw moving on my shoulder. The film continues and I feel the movements of her jaw stop. I look at her and see her with her eyes closed. I put the empty boxes on the floor, stop the film and I slowly lie down with her on the couch. I put her looking at the ceiling carefully. I rest my head on my hand and my elbow on the couch, so I can stare at her. I really mean it when I say she's beautiful and I want her to know that, I want everyone to know that.

I caress her face. She looks so calm and her messy hair expanded under her head makes her look like a real work of art. She is so pure, beautiful...delicate. Her chest ascends and descends slowly. Her thin hands rest on her belly and I take her hand. I like being like this, thinking about her and staring at her without her saying anything.

I still can't believe all the shit that she's been through. I can't believe how strong she is. As I've seen on TV series, people would commit suicide or be depressed for stuff like that, well...that's what happens on TV. This is, unfortunately, real life and this is a real person, a person who's still here, living in the deepest and strongest kind of pain there is. Her mother's dead, her father commited suicide because of that and Eleanor has done everything to be happy and stay possitive. I wonder if there's something else behind this sad, yet true story. I probably know her better than she knows me, yet I feel like I don't know her as much as I want. I want to know the way she thinks about life, the way she sees people, the way she feels about me and the way she would feel about me if I told her who I am and everything I've done. I think that's my biggest fear now and I've never given a fuck of what people thought about me, but this girl is different. She's nothing like the ones I used to hang out with. Those girls only wanted sex, money and popularity and I was the stupid boy who gave them all that they wanted. Eleanor's just different, she's not the kind of girl who would let you use them to have sex, drink all night and get high. She loves me, she really loves me and I love her. No one has loved me before, not in this way. Things are going fast between us, but I don't care, because now she's mine, and as longs as she's mine, I'll be happy for once in my life. When she kissed me for the first time I felt as I hadn't kissed anyone before. I loved her curiosity for my tattoos and the way she touched them. I love her smile and her laugh, not the silly laugh, but when she laughs hard. I love taking her on piggy back rides and I love it when she acts like a child or when she gets excited for something. I love feeling her lips and tongue on mine, I loved feeling her. I love the colour and brightness of her eyes. I loved it when she put my t-shirt on when I wasn't with her. I love her obsession for Disney and The Beatles. I love her, like...really love her. It's something I've never felt and always wanted to feel. Having someone to protect, someone to hold at night, someone to talk about our dreams, our craziest experiences, life...Someone I can count on, someone to love me.

Her little, cute snores makes me relax and smile and I unconciously fall asleep with her.

The room gets warm and I open my eyes slowly to find Eleanor sitting in front of the lighted up chimney.

- Hey.- My voice sounds raspy and she turns around with a smile.

- Hey.- She repeats.- I thought it would be a good idea to light up the chimney. Did you have a nice nap?

- I sure did. What about you?

- Same. Isn't it hypnotist?

- What?

- The fire, isn't it?

- You think so?

- Yes, I mean, once you set your eyes on it... you just can't stop staring at it.

- Yeah, I guess it's relaxing.

- And the sound of the burning wood, the little sparks jumping and flying around... I love it.- I smile sweetly and stand up. I take a blanket and sit on the floor next to her, putting the blanket around us. She rests her head on my shoulder and I rest mine on her head. She's right, the fire is beautiful.

- Can I ask you a question?

- Sure.- She says.

- Does love forgive mistakes?- She looks at me and I keep staring at the fire, trying to burn my mistakes through my eyes and mind.

- Of course it does.

- What about yours?

- My what?

- Would your heart and feelings for me forgive my mistakes?

- Is there anything wrong?

- Answer me.- Those mistakes burn my mind and my anger grows inside me.

- Well...I don't know...- She stutters.- Are you okay?

- I'm fucking fine!- I yell at her.- I'm sorry, I need a moment.- I stand up and leave the house, sitting on the stairs outside. The snow freeze my face, but it doesn't stop my tears. I hate my life and I hate myself, she can't love me and I'm sure she'd never do if she got to know me. I don't deserve her, but I need her. My tears make my face hurt and I hear the door opening slowly behind me.

- Harry, it's freezing, you'll get a cold.

- Go away.- I say.

- What?

- Leave! I want to be alone.

- Harry, I don't know what's going on, but I don't want you to be like this. I don't know if I did something wrong or not, in both cases I would like to know what happens.

- This is what happens.- I move my hands between both of us.- I can't be with you.

- What? Why?

- STOP FUCKING ASKING AND GO AWAY!!! - I shout looking at her. Her eyes water and I can literally see pain in her eyes. I know I just fucked up. She stands up throwing the blanket to the ground.- What's this?

- I brought it for you, so you wouldn't get cold.- I know she's about to cry. She goes inside and leaves again after taking her clothes and shoes. I can hear her crying hard as she goes away. I know I must follow her, but I'm just too selfish to do it. What the fuck? She brought me a fucking blanket. I run as fast as I can and finally find her. I put the blanket around her shoulders and she turns around to face me.

- I'm sorry, Eleanor, seriously.

- What? I thought you wanted to be alone and I thought you didn't want be with me?

- I know what I said, come home, it's cold and your house is way too far for you to go walking.

- Tell me what the hell is happening or I'm going home.

- I'll tell you when we get home.- She looks at me and then follows me without saying a word.