one shots // phan

suicidal

TW: mentions of death and suicidal thoughts
Word count: 1101

I made sure to tell my parents that I loved them as many times as I could before I left that night.

I took a deep breath as I walked down the steps outside my childhood home. I turned around and took one last look at it before getting into the cab that would take me to my flat. Well. . . Phil and I's flat. He wouldn't be home for a couple more days because he was spending extra time with his family for the holidays.

I looked down at my phone and checked the time. 22:00. I unlocked the screen and went to photos. I clicked on the folder labeled Dan and Phil. I smiled slightly as I scrolled through the photos. I saw the selfie for the 'Make Your Face Funny For Money Campaign'. I kept scrolling to see all the pictures Phil took when he stole my phone. I paused as I remembered what I was going to do that night.

I pushed the home button and went to messages and typed out a small paragraph. I pushed send and locked my phone.

I stared out the window as tears threatened to spill from my eyes. I took my sleeve and dried them as we made our way closer to the flat. I wordlessly handed the cabbie money and got out. I made my way to the front door and unlocked it. I walked up the stairs slowly, asking myself if I really wanted to do this.

Of course you do. Nobody loves you. Nobody wants you. When are you going to realize that you're just a worthless piece of shit and a waste of space?

The voice in my head was back. Most days I could ignore it and go on with what I was doing. But recently, it had become louder and more persistent and I realized I just couldn't do it anymore. I had been dealing with depression and anxiety most my life. The voices went away when I met Phil and they stayed away for a couple of years.

I opened the door to my bedroom and took off my jacket and slipped off my shoes. I sat on my bed for a while, staring at the wall, telling myself the same thing over and over again.

Phil is going to be devastated. Are you really going to take away his best friend?

Then one name was consistent in the back of my mind.

Phil, Phil, Phil, Phil. . .

I closed my eyes tightly and tried to make the voice go away. I screamed until my throat was raw and tears were spilling onto my cheeks. I just needed out. I needed out. . .

Phil's POV

I stood there, horrified as I looked down at my phone and read the text Dan had sent me while I was asleep.

I'm sorry Phil. I just needed out. Thank you for everything. Thanks for being my best friend. I love you. Goodbye.

"No," I whispered as my phone dropped to the ground.

"No!" I screamed as I heard it hit the carpet with a dull thud.

"No," I said as I dissolved into tears and my knees gave out and I collapsed onto the floor. My parents and brother came running into the room as I grabbed my phone, clenching it to my chest.

"No," I repeated over and over again as Martyn tried to take the phone from my grasp.

I heard voices but I couldn't make out what they were saying. I finally let the phone go and Martyn took it.

They must've read it because I couldn't hear voices anymore. All I heard were sobs coming from my mother and myself as my father and brother stood there, frozen with shock.

I knew I would have to tell his parents. I would have to tell the Phandom. I knew I would have to see his cold, lifeless body at the funeral. I knew I had to go home and find him lying somewhere in the flat. I knew that it was right now and that I needed to leave. Needed to get to him.

I got up shakily and walked out the door. I got in the car and started driving. I knew I was in no condition to drive but I needed to get to him.

I arrived at the flat. I don't know how long it took. I didn't know anything except that my best friend was dead. I slowly walked in and up the stairs. I opened the door to our flat and walked up even more stairs.

I looked into the lounge. No sign of Dan.

I looked into the kitchen. Nothing.

Bathroom. Nope.

I opened the door to his bedroom slowly, scared of what I would see. That's when I saw him, lying on the carpet with a bottle of pills spilled out beside him.

°°°°°°°°

I haven't spoke since that day when I found him lying on the floor. I stand here now with Dan's parents as people come to greet us by his casket. Telling us how sorry they are about Daniel. How he was a lovely boy. That they're here for us if we need anything. I wordlessly nod and hug each of them. I steal glances at him every once in a while. His eyes now closed and his skin paler than I've ever seen it.

I'm on the verge of tears as everyone sits down and the pastor starts speaking. After he's done he asks if anybody would like to say anything. I stand up and and walk up to him. He smiles sadly at me and pats my back before going to sit down.

"Dan," I say, then clear my throat because it's scratchy from not being used. "Dan was my best friend. He was sarcastic and witty, but he was also sweet and caring. . . I also knew he had dealt with depression and anxiety, but he told me he was okay. That he was the happiest he'd ever been." I pause and look down at the podium.

"If only I had seen through the mask he must've put on everyday. We may not have been here today. I could've helped him through whatever was going on and I would still have my best friend. . ." I stopped.

I couldn't do it anymore. I just couldn't keep living knowing I wouldn't see Dan tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. So I knew what I had to do.

I was going to see Dan tonight.