I will love you till I die

It Wasn't Him I Swear

{Ryder P.O.V.}

So I guess I should fill you in on what happened in my past.

You know the present me, but you don't know the past me. The past me was a nerdy little freshman with medium length dark hair. I was emo and small and I had friends. But then things changed.

You know Blake? The one who called out to Colette? Yeah him.

He was my best friend.

Hard to believe? .... Yeah me too. He cut his hair and joined a gym to "fit in" with the popular crowd. Now he's captain of our basketball team and I'm sitting on the sidelines out of the game and out of his life, forgotten.

He's the reason I'm hated by the whole school.

One night we had a sleepover at his house and that's when all of this started.

                                                                   ~flashback~

"Hey I'm going to the bathroom, be right back." I said before running full speed to the bathroom.

I was at my best friends house, Blake, his house is huge. It's three stories tall, not including the basement, which are rare in Florida, and he has a whole floor to himself because he's an only child. Well, I am too but my parents and I live in a two story house that's not big enough to dedicate a floor to one person. Bedrooms and a bathroom upstairs, living room, kitchen, dining room and additional bathroom downstairs.

After finishing my business, I went back to Blake's game room to see him on my phone.

"Why are you on my phone?" I ask him. He jumps and turns around. "You got a notification from bae? Who's bae?" He asks using his hands to symbolize mock hurt.

I look down unsure of what to say.

"dude you okay?" He asks, suddenly serious.

"I don't want you to drop me as a best friend." I say, I can feel the anxiety rising up.

"I wouldn't judge you for anything man, you know that. I would never let our friendship end." He sticks out his hand, "Brothers for life."

I accept his hand and we perform our signature handshake. "Well,  don't know how to say this but, uh, oh god." I cover my face and breathe in. Uncovering my face and releasing my breath I turn to him.

"I'm bisexual."

"Is he hot?" He says with a smile assuring me that he isn't fazed.

                                                              ~end flashback~

That doesn't seem so bad right? Yeah, well me and Nick dated in secret until our sophomore year around October. Only our parents and Blake knew. Up until then, Nick was someone I could vent to, he was always there. I told him everything. I told him every f'd up part of my life.

He became more distant. He avoided me in the hallways at school. I could see he had been crying, but I gave him space figuring that's what he needed, boy was I wrong.

October 31. That's the date Nicks' parents found him dead hanging from the ceiling fan.

I blamed myself. If I hadn't pushed all my problems onto him, if I had hadn't ignored him back, if I just stayed away, this would have never happened.

Blake turned on me.

                                                                ~flashback~

"YOU ARE A GOOD FOR NOTHING KILLER. IF IT WEREN'T FOR YOU, NICK WOULD STILL BE HERE."

"No I-" I attempt to say through my tears before I get cut off by the newest member of the basketball team.

"YOU'RE THE REASON HES DEAD. YOU'RE THE REASON HE KILLED HIMSELF. YOU'RE THE REASON HE WAS A FAG!" Blake screams at me during lunch one day. The lunchroom was dead silent and everyone was watching intently.

"I DIDN'T KILL MY BOYFRIEND." I scream. As soon as I said it I wanted to take it all back. I wanted to shove those five words back into my mouth.

//two months later//

My friends are gone, they left with Blake because he was the cool one. My boyfriend is gone. Everyone back at the school hates me. Someone even managed to leave me a gift in my locker today.

A box filled with blades.

I walk up the stairs to my room and close the door behind me.

I sit down and take the box from my backpack.

They want me to kill myself. They hate me. They know I'm bi. Blake made that clear in class one day.

"He's bi not gay, God guys get it right." His words are still burned in my mind along with the laughter of my classmates.

I slid the shining metal across my wrist and instantly feel relieved, but only for a few seconds. I do it again. And again. Three becomes six, six becomes nine. I slowly lose conciseness.

                                                             ~end flashback~

So there you go. The story of how I became so hated and the reason I won't trust myself to love again. It's also the reason I can't get so close to Colette. I'll let her vent to me if need be, but I can't let her know about me.