I will love you till I die

And The Window Sill Looks Really Nice Right?

{Ryder P.O.V.}

My head is pounding, I wish that I had passed out.

But I didn't.

The doctors told me I was back to square one and I was beating myself up about it. I was so close to being able to help Colette around and help her with the baby.

I'm so damn stupid.

I lean my head back and look at the ceiling. We were supposed to get a crib this weekend. I was going to put it together in two weeks when I'm completely healed. Now that's not going to happen, someone else will, and I'll feel bad.

I remember the time when I was talking to Nick about adopting a kid and he was teasing me about how he would get me pregnant with all the sex we had.

Yeah I'll admit I was the bottom..

ANYWAYYYSS, he said we'd make good parents and I wonder if he's looking down now. I have to raise this kid to make not only him or her happy, but Colette, her grandmother, Nick.. Myself.

I turn my head to see Colette running down the hall and into my room.

"Are you okay? Oh my god." She looks like she's been crying.

"Yeah I'm fine, just kinda back to square one I guess. Well I mean, I'm not guessing cause it's definite but it'll be okay." I take her hand, "I'll be healed in time for when you deliver the baby." I smile until I see her eyes water.

"What? "What's wrong?" She doesn't answer me, it's like she's in a haze.,"Colette answer me!" I grab her wrist, but not too tight.

"There's no-not going to be a- a baby... I lost her when I f-fell." She chokes out.

I let go of her wrist slowly and let my hand travel to her stomach.

"She?" I whisper softly. I didn't need to look up to see Colette's soft curls bounce as she nodded her head yes. I feel the room begin to spin and warm tears begin to stream down my face.

I was going to have a baby girl. Going to.

Now I'll never hear her laugh. I'll never hear her first words. She won't call me daddy and insist that I pick her up. She won't chase me out of the room on her first day of kindergarten. She won't be able to make breakfast with me and knock over the eggs while Colette laughs in the background. I won't be able to take her to daddy daughter dances. I won't be there when she calls me crying because she got her period but mom won't answer. I won't see her go out with her friends on a Saturday night to go get pizza. I also won't be able to ground her for coming home an hour past curfew. I won't be able to embarrass her in front of her first date. I won't be able to hold her for her first heartbreak.

I feel my heart breaking with every thing I think about.

Most teenage boys would feel a bit relieved and probably guilty for being relieved but I was ready for this baby, maybe not physically or financially, but I was prepared mentally.

I never realized that I loved her so much until I didn't have her, now all I can do is comfort Colette and act like I'm fine.

It just breaks my heart into a million pieces that I can't make Nick proud. Maybe one day in the far future I'll be able to do just that, but for now my little Selena will be in heaven with Nick.