Senseless

Chapter Thirty-Three

Jason's p.o.v

Anger consumed me. If I couldn't have her, I would be angry forever. I couldn't seem to control myself. I am sane with her by my side and when she isn't around; I am nothing.

They say that anger is a good thing. It can even be seen as a gift. To a person like me, who has an odd system of emotions, anger is not a surprising feeling to constantly feel. It still shows that I have emotions and that I have real feelings deep down past all the darkness. I still don't know if that is a good or bad thing.

I will be the first to admit, I am fucked up. I am constantly surrounded by darkness. I have bad dreams and most of them seemed to be about someone coming and hurting the people that I care about. I am scared and I am alone. But, maybe that is a good thing.

In the small time that I was with, and around, Miley I was scared shitless but instead of having the overcoming emotion and feeling of anger, I had emotions and feelings of a small glance at true happiness.

I slowly fell in love with Miley. I would even say that I am still falling in love with her. Now that I know how bad it hurts to not be with her, if I ever got her back, I would never let go.

I'm alone again. I am constantly surrounded by darkness. I keep my distance from those I care for. I work constantly. I am constantly trying to keep my mind off of her. It is way harder then I thought it would ever be. I rarely sleep anymore because when I do actually sleep, I dream of her.

The more I dream the more painful it is. It has been a little over two weeks since I have seen her. I keep thinking that the pain will begin to grow numb, but I am proved wrong each day. The pain only grows and I only continue to dig myself into a deeper pit of darkness.

After we all signed the treaty Miley disappeared. Greggory was talking to me about keeping Maximus away from Tessa and Miley. I was caught up in making sure that no would hurt her while she slipped out of my sight. I asked Lewis where she went. I tried to find her but she was untraceable.

After a few days I let her go. I couldn't do anything else at that point. She is long gone and if she doesn't want to be found, then she isn't going to be found. Lewis and Greggory told me that they would continue to reach out to her. They also told me that I needed to give her space. Leaving and coming back to Canada was the hardest thing I have ever done. I didn't want to leave her. I wanted to stay and be with her but that isn't possible.

Now, I busy myself with the best of my ability and I fail in every way possible. Work only takes my mind off of it for a short amount of time and it fucking sucks.

Canada is terrible and as I begin to see how truly alone I am, the more terrible it grows. I find myself wishing that I can just fuck another girl to at least get my mind off of her for a little while. I just can't. I can't bring myself to do it and I couldn't perform even if I could. I can't even say her name. I am nothing without her.

My gang is staying by my side despite my anger. I have had many moments where I just wanted to throw everything away but they support me even when I don't deserve it.

Fringe stayed back with Lewis and Greggory and I am okay with that. Fringe has stayed in touch and I am grateful for that. I have talked to him a few times over the phone. He is a supportive person and he helped me make some sense of my messed up life.

Fringe encouraged me to write. Write down how I felt. Maybe that sounds stupid but I told him I would at least try. I don't know how I feel about writing down my thoughts but it is better then leaving them in my head.

I know I am senseless without her in my life. I am hopeless. I am nothing. I need her but here I am, alone. All alone. And my thoughts are slowly killing me. I need to do something. The worse thing that could happen is that I write to Miley and she doesn't write back.

Fringe didn't say that I should write Miley, but I want to. I want to know how she is doing. I want to make sure that she knows I am thinking about her.