Messages To Joe | J.S

{0025}

Tuesday October 5th 2015:

It's only been a bit more than a day since I last spoke to Amber. I've been up on the roof since, filmed two videos, been out with Lewis and I still cannot get her out of my mind. Not just her, but how she must be feeling right now, at school. Could she be crying? Practically because of me. Not directly because of me, but as a consequence of my actions.

I probably have been doing the worst thing I could've done and that was to read through the conversations we've had, right from the very start, picking out my favourite parts and screen-shotting them, in case there comes a time in the near future that is our last conversation.

5:04 - Joe:
None taken, Courtney is just selective :/ she likes it when I'm on my knees for her

5:11 - Amber:
Surely it should be the other way around? ;)

5:12 - Joe:
Haha

5:16 - Amber:
Look, you texted me first, Bucko

5:17 - Joe:
Bucko? What the fucko? XD

-

3:50 - Joe:
THANK YOU!!!

3:52 - Amber:
For?

3:53 - Joe:
Don't you remember our conversation? :(

3:56 - Amber:
No.

Was I meant to?

3:58 - Joe:
Just go read up^

3:59 - Amber:
Hang on...

4:01 - Joe:
Okay :)

4:13 - Joe:
So you remember now?

4:15 - Amber:
HANG ON I'm reading

4:16 - Joe:
Still?!

4:19 - Amber:
I'd be done if you'd just shut up.

4:20 - Joe:
Sheesh!

Little One has balls!

4:21 - Amber:
Oh yeah? Well how tall are you then?

4:23 - Joe:
...

4:23 - Amber:
I've got all day.

Or what's remaining of the day...

4:25 - Joe:
5'8 and a half...

4:27 - Amber:
ROFLMAO XD

-

5:03 - Suggy:
EVERYBODY WANNA STEAL MY GUUUUURRRRLLLLL

5:04 - Amber Kinglsey:
EVERYBODY WANNA TAKE HER HEART AWAYYY

5:06 - Suggy:
COUPLE BILLION IN THE WHOLE WIDE WOOOOORRLLDD

5:08 - Amber Kinglsey:
BUT SHE BELONGS TO ME NAHHH NAH NAH NAH NAAAHHHH

5:16 - Suggy:
Just looked it up and we totally messed up those lyrics...

5:18 - Amber Kinglsey:
Yeah :/

I knew but I imagined your singing to be cute so ;)

-

12:07 - Joe:
Amber, I don't think u understand how much I acc like talking to u, I don't think of u as someone random I met or some 1 I only no threw a phone, I love u so much and I wanna meet u so I can hug u and never let u go but that can't happen cause there's problems...I'm so sorry I don't want to do this to u and hurt u like I will...please don't hate me...x

12:13 - Amber:
Joe are you okay? Your probably out of your mind but you sounded really upset and I want to know your okay...

1:45 - Amber:
Joe I can't sleep without a reply, anything at all and I'll be fine

3:07 - Amber:
Joe I'm mad I don't even know why I'm so worried but please, I just hope your okay and your home and your not just out of your mind sitting on the pavement or something...I love you...be safe...

-

As I read through my screen shots and all of the conversations I remembered my emotions as I was writing them, you love her Joe, you've really gone and done it this time ! And I knew my mind - or my conscience - was right. It wasn't fair on her that I was saying the things I'd said, like I love you or the problems. Truthfully, the only problems that would be visible would be me in love with her, never wanting to let her go.

She said she loved me too.

But I don't think she meant it like I do. She has Sam. And perhaps she did, it wouldn't work. Nearly 3 hours separate us, as well as 3 years and the fact that she's going through shit and I should be supportive, not adding to her problems. But you said yourself, if you love someone you should tell them because they may not be around, I thought, sighing out loud.

"What's wrong?" My uncle asked. I'd completely forgotten my whereabouts and suddenly it came back to me I was travelling home from thatching with my Uncle, Gary Sugg.

"Oh uh, nothing," I sighed.

"It's that girl, isn't it?" How did he know? Had he gone through my phone? Never...

"What? How do you know?" I laughed, locking my phone as if he could read it from there.

"It's obvious, Joe !" He laughed, although I didn't find it quite as hilarious. "You never act this way and your not normally this busy on your phone ! I've been talking to your father about it, he thinks it is great, so where did you meet her ?" I thought for a minute about whether I should just lie, say I met her in a club or something but I figured my uncle could see right through me, although I've always been quite good st lying.

"We haven't," I sighed, even louder and breathier than the last time. "I messaged her once by accident and we just got to talking. It's crazy, you wouldn't understand."

"Oh, Joe," I hoped this wouldn't go back to my dad, just because he wouldn't understand either and it's something they just don't need to know about, even if I am 19 and a technical adult, they still believe they've for full power over me. "Of course I understand, the new digital age-" I rolled my eyes at the previous generation, "-your all living in, I'm just glad it wasn't through a dating website because your better than that Joe ! So, what's the matter ?"

"It's just a lot of stress," maybe I was mad for telling him but it made my mind a lot less crowded, giving me room to think clearer. "I'm not sure what I think of it, you can't really love someone who you've never seen."

"Why can't you ?"

"Because, it's difficult...and we may never meet because she lives in London," I said, "I feel as though I'm just confusing my self unnecessarily."

"Joe, perhaps you should take a break from it, tell her your studying or going to Uni or something, aren't you going on a gap year anyway ? With Lewis ? You should, just to allow yourself time," maybe that was the right thing to do anyway. Since Amber will have to figure things out with Sam, I should take this time to sort out YouTube and I'm also going to Zante in May and after that going to New Zealand on a road trip, obviously meaning I can't message her.

"Sure," I said, thanking him afterwards for talking to me.

Maybe whatever this feeling is I have for her is just a phase and I need to give it time to cool down, then perhaps it'll go away...