Messages To Joe | J.S

{0091}

Thursday 31st January 2019:

When we arrived at Joe's- because they still have one another's keys- Caspar told me to be quiet. 'Joe?' He called out.
'Hold on,' Joe came jogging up the stairs, his hair wet and shaggy. 'Amber? I didn't think I'd see you here.'

'You didn't think you'd see me here? So your plan wasn't exactly to see me? Or was it just to ruin me for fun, hmm? Please, enlighten me.' I was shivering, and I just wanted a blanket and warmth and not to be here, but I carried on because I wasn't a sucker for anyone, let alone Joe. 'What? Is it a prank? Oh yeah Sugg, the prankster! It's so bloody funny ha ha ha.' I was sick and tired of the fighting and the arguement that seemed to happen all the time between us and just felt so emotionally drained, I wanted it all to be over, and I'd started to regret so many things.

'Joe; I had to tell her, what did you expect was going to happen for God's sake? You were and are playing with fire,' taking the words right out of my mouth, Caspar pulled himself up onto the island and sat there, arms crossed, the two of us staring Joe out.

'All I did was tell him the truth,' he huffed, shrugged his shoulders and darted his eyes between us.

'The truth?' He nodded slowly, 'and how do you know the truth?' Because what Harvey told me- over the phone when he called to end everything, the trip, our relationship, pretty much everything- was that I didn't want to go at all and I didn't feel comfortable telling him things, what the hell have you actually done? You know, I can't actually look at you, delete my number I'm quite fully done.' I turned round ready to open the door and leave, giving Caspar a defeated look.

'You know,' he jumped down, 'I'm not letting this happen again, I've sat back and watched when this happens, you don't talk for a while, then you do, but it happens again, and both of you end up being hurt, no matter how much you deny it. And I just want a proper ending, or a proper beginning, no maybes-' he looked at Joe, '-from either of you. And no fucking around like this. So, what's it going to be.'

'I've made my views very clear.' I snapped, mainly aiming myself at Joe who refused to make eye contact, probably afraid of the death stare.

'And clearly mine don't matter, I'm done here.'

*

'What did he mean?' I cried, palms to my face. I was in complete agony after leaving the old Jaspar house with Joe's last words ringing in my ears. Caspar walked me home but we didn't talk about it.

'I don't know, what did he say again?' Kim, who had been extremely sincere since I'd explained the entire story to her despite my thoughts spanning back three years that she couldn't care less about me, and I was just there to listen to her moaning. And for once, I was the one with boy trouble and she was actually listening, and giving me useful advice, it felt strange and I actually felt sorry for never paying much attention.

'That his views didn't matter.'

'Sounds pretty simple, like he wants the beginning and not the end, but because you want the end he can't argue, you get me? It's as if he's not allowed to care about you because you don't want him to.'

'But, he can have his opinion.'

'Yes but, he doesn't want you to be unhappy.' I thought for a little while that whilst it may have seemed Joe was pushing this so much for me, maybe he was being a little more selfish- quite rightly- and I was being selfish too, for always thinking it was for me. Really, I never thought about his feelings either and how hurt he would feel whenever I'm having a go at him, how heartbroken he may have been.

'I never even thought about it properly, about him really, I never really thought he'd care so much because I never saw it as proper...' But he did I added in my head.

'Boys are like that, not expressing their feelings. Expect, it's not normally to protect the girl, you get me? It's not really protection I suppose, more like, your wishes,' she was right, whether I liked Joe or not, I couldn't keep on yelling at him for everything he did wrong- sometimes it wasn't even wrong though, sometimes it was out of kindness, but because I didn't respect it, I thought it was negative, and oh how I couldn't have been more wrong.

___________________________________
I've literally just finished reading this book from the start and I don't know about you but I think the character development along with the plot line is really cute ? I'm not sure if the feeling is mutual for you lot, but I think so. Not that long ago I had the ending for this book all figured out but now, I'm having second thoughts as to whether I want to end it like I diddd..! The frustration is too much to handle, anyway I should keep on writing...