Messages To Joe | J.S

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This is a horrific ending and it's written so terribly but ugh I'm sorry just read it *face palm*
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Sunday November 12th 2018:

The airport was filled when we got there with fans- well, filled was an exaggeration but there were a lot. We spent ages taking photos, signing photographs and just generally chatting with everyone who's come. A couple people even wanted photos with Amber and she didn't decline.

It took me by surprise when Amber linked arms with Caspar and they started talking together. It may have been just me, but it looked flirtatious. The fans eventually filtered out of Gatwick and a couple security guards assisted us out and into a taxi since we didn't think it would be fair for Larry to drive us again. 'Can we go in a different car?' I grabbed Amber's forearm and she spun around to look at me, in shock and what seemed like anger.

'Why?'

'Because-' I paused, thinking of something that might convince her, '-the bags won't fit anyway, and you know, we can just have some alone time or something.'

'Yeah, alone time with the driver,' she laughed, rolling her suitcase along towards the second car. We waved a small goodbye to the others and got in next to Amber. It was only a short drive but it dragged on forever, the driver's 80's disco music filling the silences.

'Look, about earlier I mean, shouldn't we tell people you and Caspar aren't really together?' If almost asked thinking she'd drifted off against my shoulder, maybe just saying it to get it off my chest and not really expecting an answer- maybe the driver would give me an answer if she didn't.

''What, you mean tell them we are together instead?' I began to regret my decision to bring this up in the car because it was such a confined space and didn't give either of us the ability to walk away. Furthermore, the song Eye of the Tiger wasn't very helpful in the background. 'Or, what are you saying?' She didn't say it angrily or suspiciously, but she sounded confused and slightly worried except I wasn't sure what she was worried about.

'Well, you don't exactly want to keep pretending you're with him, do you?' She peered up at me, and I thought about what Caspar said and how I never got to reply, no, no it's not what I want in the slightest. I'm constantly making her upset, doing things wrong and I just want to be good: to her, for her, because of her. I keep everything in and I just want to tell her everything I feel. And for YouTube? If she started getting hate I'd quite happily end it for her, all of it because I wouldn't want to hurt her in my lifetime but I know I already have. She looked so angry, so hurt, and I suddenly felt a tang of pain in my heart and longed for the ability to go back in time and not initiate the conversation, perhaps have just gone back in the car with Caspar instead.

'Actually, it doesn't bother me in the slightest, perhaps do you have a problem with it?' He song had switched by now to Billy Jean and the driver was mouthing the lyrics.

'I just think it's unnecessary, you don't need to pretend you're dating to all his fans,' she sighed and rolled her eyes. 'It's not exactly fair to lie to them about your relationship, is it?'

'Joe, I'm sorry, but are you blind, or just naïve? This is the identical thing you're doing to your fans, we're pretending we aren't dating and therefore lying to your fans. And you should know full well what's going on between me and Caspar is nothing, nothing but trying to figure you out because you've been so unbelievably weird and rude recently!' The driver began pulling up outside the house where mine and Caspar's current apartment lays. It would've been impossible to tell whether he was already back or not.

'It's not like we are actually dating though is it-'

'Fuck you Joe,' she whispered harshly in my ear before handing over some money to the driver and getting out, heading to retrieve her bags.

'Amber, wait! I didn't mean it like that-'

'Then how did you mean it? I didn't know if you noticed but there's no double meaning,' she laughed her words, perhaps at my stupidity, perhaps my absentminded talk or perhaps the fact that she'd put so much trust, faith and relied on me and our relationship so much that it didn't seem like this conversation was happening. 'I just want to know what you're actually saying to me.'

'I'm saying maybe we shouldn't be together,' Amber looked like she wanted to cry. She looked like she did in Australia every time I fucked her over, every single time. Except she was staying strong whereas I wanted to fall at her feet and apologise.

'I'm not having this conversation right now, Joe,' grabbing her hand, I pulled her around so she was facing me.

'You know if we don't have it now, we never will.' Hi I'm Joe Sugg, the least capable human being when I comes to dealing with emotional situations. 'Please come inside, you don't understand what I mean, we need to talk properly.'

She snatched her hand away but nodded and followed me inside. Caspar's shoes or his bags weren't beside the front door and I sighed a sigh of relief, thankful he wasn't back.

'So, what do you mean then? You want to break up? Oh sorry, no we aren't actually dating so that can't be what you mean.'

'I mean let's not be together, it's causing such problems!' She was still defending the tears but her voice was cracking here and there. However, so was mine and I had no idea where my words or thoughts were going, but it's wasn't some place good.

'No, I am the one causing the problems, aren't I?' Pulling my hands to my face I uggh'd from frustration.

'Did I say that? -No. I'm doing things that make you upset and perhaps you get overly upset but I still do those things and I feel like I'm just treading on eggshells whenever I talk to someone or whenever I go out, I just don't want to have that hanging over me and you hanging over me because I feel like when you fall, I just won't be able to catch you,' my voice went from shouting to an almost silent whisper. Amber's face also softened (thank God) as a result of my words. 'And seeing you that upset, just makes me upset because I know I did that to you and I think damn, I'm not meant to make her sad I'm meant to make her happy! And I just want to punch myself in the face, you know, if it was possible and stuff.'

'Joe, I love you so much, and I never even knew you felt like this. Maybe we should break up- or not be together if it saves all the trouble for you.'

'No, it's not that I- I love you too Amber, of course and I want to be with you more than anything but I don't think we should be a couple, like a proper couple it's just-'

'You're worried aren't you, about what your fans will think,' my brain ached from the constant arguing and I'd have done all I could just to end it.

'No, actually I'm worried shit that they'll scare you off!'

'You think some 14 years old girls are going to scare me off?' She laughed, I was thankful to be able to see her smile. 'When you messaged me on that day, maybe it was luck but I don't believe I would've met you all those years later if it had been luck, it was more than that. Meant to be even. But this relationship wasn't meant to be and I don't want to be a couple, but I don't want to stop being your friend.'

'We're always going to be more than that,' I sighed, pulling her in for a long, warm hug.

'Goodbye Joseph,' she mumbled into my chest.

'Goodbye Amber.'

'Oh god!' Her had snapped up as I spoke. 'How is Caspar going to react?' We laughed in harmony like we thought it would be the last time but really we knew, it was never going to be the last...