Breathe (Twlight Fanfic)

Chapter 16 - Watch The Devil Work

Bella's POV

It's easy to die, to close your eyes and choose not to wake up. There are thousands upon thousands of ways to die; murder, suicide, accident. There is a never ending string of possibilities. I always thought I would die at a young age sometimes I even wanted to.

I feel funny, like I'm floating on clouds. I can't tell if I'm dead or if I've finally went around the bat. God I hope I'm dead, it would make everything so much easier. I would love to just float here forever. I was comfortable besides the scorching pain I feel in my left calf. I feel like I'm having a withdrawal of something, I feel so light yet so heavy at the same time. My body wants to float away but I'm being tied down. "Someone save me. Someone cut the ropes" I wanted to say this not I wanted to scream this. But I couldn't find my lungs let alone my mouth. I don't want to be here anymore. I want to be free to fly, or to float forever.

But if I really am dead I guess death isn't as peaceful as I thought it would be, it was actually rather painful if I'm honest.

This can't be heaven, I must be in hell, first off I wouldn't be in pain secondly I wouldn't be stuck here in my thoughts only thinking about...I couldn't manage to think the name of the person who hurt me the most, the reason I am here. For some reason I can't get him out of my head. I keep getting visions of what he's done to me. If I'm dead I would be stuck thinking about him for all eternity. What a painful eternity this will be. If I could sigh here's where I would do it.

I couldn't help but make my brain laugh at the thought of his wife finding out I died. I can't tell if she'd be happy or pissed because she no longer has a maid she can use as a punching bag. know it was my fault I died, if I had only cooperated and not have been such a... Slut as he would say. Slut, Whore, Pig, Ugly, Useless. Maybe those words were more true than I ever realized.

Mungo, my poor child. I died. I can no longer protect him, defend him or show him I love him even though I allowed his life to be hell. I will never get to prove to him I care, how I would always be there for him. But now I can't. People always say "your loved ones are watching over you" well I can't find my eyes however the never ending pain in my leg reminds me that if I have a leg I must have other body parts too.

I'm not normally the type to place blame but it's this town. Forks is no good to me, it was never good for me. Ever since I came here the abuse got worse. Maybe that's because I learned it was actually abuse not a punishment and so did the Cullen's. I know they were just trying to help but I couldn't help but be a little mad. If they never budded in then everything would have been fine. I'm not mad at them for my death but for the death of my child. Sure I don't know if he's really dead but if he's still in that home I hate to say it but he's probably better off dead. I don't want him to suffer the way I did. he's too young to know how to defend himself.

When I came to Fork's the pressure of being a good "daughter" and to not shame the Knight's was stronger than ever. If I was dead I would be stuck here thinking about them for a very, very, very long time and how I was never good enough. It was inevitable that I would think of them or think there name.

I would like to think if I was strong I would allow myself to track them down and kill them. I say this but never do so because no matter now pissed I am at them or how much pain and suffering they put me through, it would make me no better than them and I wanted to be so much more, so much better.

Maybe they will cremate me, maybe that will stop the pain. I wouldn't have a leg to ache or a head to think. I never wanted to be cremated until now, I wanted nothing more. I wish this pain would stop, not so much the pain in my leg but the pain in my heart. Being dead left me in a world of forever dreaming I will constantly be stuck in all the nightmares I tried to push away.

Although I hate him more than anything I wish I could see him one last time to tell him that, I know now what he did to me is wrong. I know now that he's a sick dirty old bastard. I hate him! I don't like to use the word hate but I do I HATE HIM!! I'd like to think I would have the guts to say all this, but I would never. I fear him too much. I would shame myself, lower myself to his level. I never ever want to be compared to him.

I knew there was 80% chance I was going to hell. Anyone who would let there child stay in such a troubled home was doomed. But I didn't think hell would be this...this painful. I wanted to go to hell as long as it kept me busy. When I imagined hell, I imagined what you read in books. The devil using you for labor that was impossible to finish even maybe beating me until I screamed for mercy. I didn't care as long as it distracted me from them. I guess the devil really knows how to mess someone up emotionally.

Edward oh shit!! Crap Dr. Cullen!! Oh no oh no oh no. I'm going to break there hearts. They tried so hard to save me but I fought them. I was scared and foolish, it seemed perfectly rational at the time. I really hope they don't think about me. I know it's impossible and too late now to pray for it now but I pray and hope and wish that they don't think twice about my death. I hope they don't find out that I'm in hell, just waiting for my cremation.

Cremation was honestly my only hope. It was the one thing I could look forward too even though I wasn't sure it was possible. How long have a been dead? Days? Weeks? Months? YEARS? This was all so crazy I couldn't believe that I died. Maybe I can turn my brain off. I attempted to stop thinking it worked until I heard an angelic voice calling my name.
Maybe I'm not in hell after all.

A/N
This was a different type of chapter for me to write, I'm sorry if you didn't like it. Please tell me your honest opinion. Hope you enjoyed!

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-PenelopeXx