We're all ugly when we cry

Chapter 7: what happened

I let my head rest against the the log and slowly let my eyelids shut. I needed to relax before I started to explain things. The warmth of the sun still apparent on my face when Ben spoke up again.

"It's ok, you can tell me" although I couldn't see his face, I knew from his tone that he really did mean well. He was as open as a book when it came to his emotions. Yet, as he was opening up himself it reassured me, making me want to tell him everything... I guess that's better than constantly keeping my emotions locked away.

"Jack had always been quite loud and outgoing, then suddenly for the last few weeks he was still with us, he changed. Mainly around me. He never joked about anymore and became distant from me, it didn't make sense after all he was only eleven and we were always so close."

I sat up letting myself make eye contact with Ben before continuing. Wanting to see if he still cared enough to hear more of my pathetic sob story. After an encouraging nod, I continued...

"Anyway, I was worried so I tried to find out what was going on. Being his sister and all. I thought his laptop would be a good start... since that's all he spent his time on nowadays and it turns out, it was"

I bit my lip unsure whether to go on or not, carefully rolling it between my teeth in concentration. I jumped slightly when I felt a hand on my knee, looking up at Ben I could see the concern in his face. He didn't speak, he didn't need too, so I kept going.

"Turns out he was being bullied not badly but, well yeah. But that's not the worst of it. He had found a website online talking to other people. It was basically a social media page for those in his situation, most of the comments were supporting him saying he needed to tell people, it was great, they they were all so kind"

I hadn't even noticed I was crying till I felt the salty mixture reach my lips, wiping them away, I continued...

"One of the last comments on there was him saying he would tell his family. So I stopped looking and decided I would let him come to us, I thought it would be a bad idea to tell him I had been snooping around in his room, but I should of called him out, asked him about it because..."

By now I couldn't even stop the tears, I just let them continue to roll down my face letting my eyes swell up, Ben still had his hand on my knee trying to comfort me in any way possible.

"A week had passed and he still hadn't spoken to us. So Friday night I decided to go in his room and talk to him. I was walking home from school and there were police cars outside my house my parents in tears outside. When I got there they were standing by a black bag... He was in there my little JJ his eyes where open in shock his skin paler than usual and a red line around his neck."

Ben then moved forward and pulled me into a hug letting me sob into his shoulder. "It's ok" he whispered. I pulled back one last time I needed to tell him the rest.

"My eleven year old brother had actually gone and hung himself in his own room, for my poor mother to find him motionless."

My hands cupped my face shaking as I tried so desperately to calm myself.

"after the funeral I found his laptop again, I had already told my parents about the bullying and the app but still I went back on it. Turns out after Jack had said he was going to tell us... other people on there started to bully him, saying they wouldn't care or listen that it would make it worse. All things that had either happened to them or they were just spiteful. But they killed him, whether they meant to or not... just because they couldn't get the help they needed they drove Jack over the edge instead..."

I no longer was crying just filled with rage unable to cope with talking about the monsters that had destroyed my family.

"After that, I shut myself off from the world, changing schools whenever I could, hating people for being happy when I wasn't. It made me feel safe from what had happened to Jack."

We sat there in silence just letting the birds and wind make up for our lack of conversation.

"Did you ever find out who bullied him?"

"No, if I did they wouldn't be alive either, I would make sure of that." I shocked myself at the hatred in my own words.

I sighed quietly before letting my eyes close again. "The world is full of disgusting creatures." I practically spat.

"The world is actually full of good people you know... The bad ones just make more noise." His response way barely audible, yet I still heard it.

I tilted my head to face him, "thank you." I smiled, a genuine smile, something I hadn't been able to do for months.

"For what?"

"For listening, I've done a lot of shitty things recently to stop myself from thinking about Jack, but this has really helped me so thank you"

I noticed Bens cheeks gain a rosy colour as he turned to hide his face from me.

"Uh... Yeah no problem." I could still see the tips of his ears go red also.

"It's good knowing I don't have to worry about the Gang now that your here" shit my eyes widened as I realised my mistake he wasn't meant to know about this, this was something that needed to stay quiet.

"Worry about who?" Ben's face dropped at the mention of somebody else. By now I knew he wasn't the type of person that would let this go, I would just have to tell him before I dug myself a deeper hole.

"Um... Well when I was still in a bad situation I hung out with a couple of guys, a certain gang, for, company. I wanted to distract myself from Jack. Well it all went to shit, turns out the group leader started to sell drugs and was getting the rest of the group to help him out, when he asked me I freaked out and said no. After a few weeks I still hadn't met up with them but when I did finally leave the house, I was getting some stuff for my mum in the local shop when they caught up with me. They said I knew too much and that I had to be sorted out."

The warm familiar liquid had begun tickle my cheek.

"I came home that night with nothing from the shops, my money gone and a black eye. I told my mum it was just a couple of idiots to be honest she was in a bad mood anyway, she didn't seem to notice much. She was still too devastated with Jack. Anyway, I've managed to avoid that group ever since. I know they will try and find me again. It's only a matter of time."

I felt bad knowing that Ben had to now put up with all this information I had just dumped on him, but it has really helped me calm down, I was so grateful for his company.

I watched him get up out of the corner of my eye, stretching the muscles he had been resting for the past half an hour. He held out his hand towards me and helped me up from the log. I followed his gaze as he glanced up at the rapidly darkening sky worrying about his next motives.

"Hey, it's pretty dark I should be heading back." He threw a sheepish smile towards my direction not meeting my curious gaze.

"Ok, um see you in class" I tried to block out the disappointment in my voice but somehow it still crept past.

He seemed to of sensed my uneasiness and quickly walked up to me, before I could even register what was going on, he had already flung his arms around me into a tight embrace. His next words were mumbled against my chest, the height difference making speaking a challenge "of course your going to see me tomorrow, we're friends now. Ok?"

"Ok" I let my arms relax around him.

I relished the fact that I was finally getting reassurance from somebody other than a family member. As we broke away we gave each other a farewell glance before heading in different directions to go home.

I had finally made a true friend, and I wasn't willing to loose them.