more than this // lrh

//11//

//trigger warning//

Today was one of my really bad days. Those days when I feel worse than i usually do, those days when not even my anti depressants would help. I was up all night crying. I felt so shitty about myself and I couldn't bother luke at 3 am so I just sat there and cried. I relapsed again even though not even a week ago I promised luke I wouldn't do that anymore but promises break right? I over slept until 8:30 so there wasn't a point in going. I felt dead. I haven't felt this bad in so long. When I woke up I knew my parents weren't home, they go to work before I'm even awake. This is my sixth absence in 3 weeks. I just sat in my room staring off into the city, bad thoughts running through my mind. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in what feels like forever but it's happening again. You see ever since I met luke I kind of stopped taking my depressants because I thought luke was fixing everything and I didn't need them, I was wrong. My meds help and I don't want to believe it but it's true. I had several texts from luke that I wasn't responding to, I didn't have the energy nor did I want to cry anymore. I moved out to the balcony with lukes hoodie on sipping on some hot coco. I could still hear my phone ringing with texts.

From luke: hey baby have a good day at school I love you :-)

From luke: )-: you haven't responded is everything okay

From luke: baby please answer so I know your okay

From luke: you're scaring me, you would've responded by now

From luke: I love you and I'm coming over I'm worried about you

I started crying again. I really did need luke. I'm so fucked up. I was crying because luke will be disappointed that I relapsed, crying because I'm fucked up, crying because I don't see the point anymore, crying because I know luke can do better than me. My tears slowed down and I heard a knock on the door, I knew it was luke. I shot him a text saying the door was unlocked. I didn't have the energy to get up and open the door for him. I sat on my bed hearing lukes footsteps come closer to my room. "Baby" I heard lukes soft voice. I was quiet, I could feel a lump forming in my throat. He sat down next to me on my bed wrapping an arm around my waist. "It's going to get better" luke kissed my temple bring me closer to him. "Luke" I choked out. I wrapped my arms around him as more tears fell. I sobbed into his chest. I needed luke and I just broke down. The demons in my mind making me cry harder. "Shh I'm here, I'm here" luke knew it was my depression taking over again. Just by the way I was acting. He's seen me break down before. I looked up at him, his eyes full of worry. Lukes thumbs brushed my tears away. "I love you so much baby girl" he kissed my forehead lightly. "It's one of my really bad days, luke" "I know" he held me tighter. I moved so I was sitting with my legs around his waist, my arms going around his neck pulling him closer to me burying my head in his neck. Letting out a shaky breath, I felt lukes hand go under the hoodie and rub slow circles on my back. "Did you take your anti depressants" luke said softly. "No" "baby, you have to, I hate seeing you like this" we sat in silence for a while before luke pulled away carrying me to the bathroom. He grabbed my anti depressants handing me the bottle. " take as instructed, you'll feel better" he kissed my head. I sighed doing as luke said. I heard my phone ring as I swallowed the last of the water and luke went in my room to get it for me. "It's your mom" he said handing it to me. "Hello" "Katie where are you" "home, I don't feel good" which was half true, I really did feel like shit. "Is luke there with you" "yeah" "have you taken your depressants" "just now" I sighed, I just wanted to go cuddle with luke. "Okay, just know that even thou you feel happier by having luke you still have to take your medicine, that's what's really helping you" "I know mom, can I go now" "I love you sweetie, rest up, I'll see you when I get home" "love you too" and with that I hung up the phone. I got off the bathroom counter and I wasn't  paying attention to where I was walking as I walked into lukes chest. A giggle escaped his lips as he wrapped his arms around me pulling me close. I wrapped my arms around his waist resting my head on his chest feeling his heart beat. It was a comforting sound. "I love you so much luke, I'm sorry I'm so fucked up" I mumbled into his chest. "You're not fucked up baby girl, lots of people go through depression. I love you so much whether or not you have depression, it doesn't change how I feel about you" he kissed my head and I tightened my grip on his waist nuzzling my head further into his chest. "Luke, can we go to the school and get the work I missed so I don't fall behind" I looked up at him. I felt him tense up underneath my touch. "Are you sure baby" I knew he was cautious about me on days like these. "I'll be fine" I smiled a little leaning up to kiss his lips. Luke threw on a shirt and skinny jeans while I just changed into leggings and stayed in his hoodie. I grabbed his hand tightly as he drove to my school. "Do you want me to go in with you" he asked squeezing my hand. I was hesitant, I wanted to go on my own but I was scared. "Yes" I mumbled out, my nerves kicking in. As we walked through the front door luke squeezed my hand tight rubbing circles with his thumb. I walked to my locker grabbing my textbooks and stuffing them in my bag. Just as I was about to close my locker, Andrew, the guy I hated most, came up to me. I felt my hands start to shake and I felt numb. "Leave me alone okay, I'm not in the mood" "why should I" he challenged. "I'm not feeling good, just please, not today" I tried to stop my voice from shaking. I felt tears in my eyes and the familiar lump in my throat. Luke started rubbing my back softly. "Whatever, loser, just know you're in for it Monday" he slammed my locker shut on me before walking away. "Are you okay" luke asked away he was already back in his room. "Can we just go home" I grabbed his hand. Luke sighed before walking with me back to the car. The tears were built up in my eyes and it was getting harder to hold them in. When we got back to his apartment I crashed on his bed trying so hard not to cry. Luke laid down beside me and I snuggled into his bare chest. Tears leaked from my eyes hitting his chest and that's when he knew I lost it. "He's not worth your tears baby" luke tried comforting me. I couldn't stop crying. I felt so shitty.   "I just feel so shitty luke, it's not just him. It the fact that I have depression and this is the worst it's been in a while and you have no clue how much I've wanted to kill myself and how I much I hate myself but then you came into my life and showed me what love feels like and for the first time in forever I felt genuinely happy and I'm so scared you're gonna leave me because I'm too much to handle and you'd want someone not depressed and everything and I love you so much luke,you're the best thing that's ever happened to me" I started crying harder. I gave his chest small kisses and wiped away the tears that have fallen there. I don't think luke realizes how much of an impact he's had on me and how much I actually need him.  "If you ever feel that way again please please please tell me. I don't ever need a phone call to tell me you're dead. That scares the shit out of me. I can't loose you baby girl. I've lost my dad and my brothers 6 years ago, I can't loose you too." I few tears roll down lukes cheeks."I love you so much luke" I kiss his tears away "I love you so much baby girl" luke replied softly.