True Passion

Chapter 8 (Disappointment)

                                                                Noah

Disappointment, shame, distance. Everything I ever thought of myself, the highest respect that I've ever gained from someone in my life was ruined in the single moment that I decided to touch a beer bottle to my lips. If not for my sake, but for McKinley's. But I bargained that, too. Trying to be cool only went so far. Now I broke my deepest promise to Kin. To respect her, to never drink or do drugs, and to never lie. One, I obviously didn't think twice about grabbing that beer. Second, I drank. Third, I told her if the party was too out of hand that I would take her home. Never would I have thought that I would be too drunk to even be able to say, "I'm sorry."

I thumped my head against the wall, still not feeling anything. I couldn't hear, taste, smell. I was numb. What have I done? I thought. The bathroom door opened, and a blurry figure stood in front of me.

"Pathetic, man." Braedon's voice said.

It took effort, but eventually I turned to face him, cringing, "What have I done?" I said aloud. He shook his head at me.  I sighed, tears running down my cheek. I'd been puking all night, and it was only the crack of dawn. 

"I love her... I love her." I whispered, I blinked a few times to focus.  

Braedon shoved something at me, "Drink. You need it." 

I took the can and drank, "Ginger ale?" 

"It's refreshing." 

"I know." His eyes shifted uncertainly, "And..Uh, Noah?"

"Yes?" 

"I'm sorry for how the party turned out. Honestly, I don't know who brought the beer. It was awful, but I didn't stop it because I didn't want to disappoint."

I nodded, "Yeah, man. Thanks."

He shrugged and walked out of the bathroom, "You can apologize to McKinley when you're sober."

McKinley, I thought.

                                           McKinley 

I woke up, head still throbbing, heart still aching. I have never been so disappointed in my life. My mom was in the kitchen reading the newspaper and drinking coffee. She looked up when I came downstairs. Her expression was soft, not angry. I told her everything that happened.

Rolling around bawling on the floor, of course. It freaked her out to see me like that, and I was off the hook for being at the party. But when I had told her what Noah did, her eyes narrowed.

"I... should have.... been watching out for you. I'm so sorry that happened." She had said. 

I weeped, "Mom, none of us could have seen that coming." 

She nodded, "You're right. You. Are..... Right." She had whispered. Immediately I shut up, because through the tears in my eyes I could see the tears in hers as she took my words a different way. 

True love has never felt so horrible in my life. Even now, eyes puffy and heart broken, I still loved him. Some people don't even care if their boyfriends get drunk. So what? Maybe they lie. "Oh, hey babe. I'm going to go to a party. If you don't have fun, I'll take you home. Unless I get too drunk. Then I'll just be a disappointment."

Trust. Mom handed me her unfinished coffee, "Here honey. Take this." 

 I lifted the warm mug to my lips and tried to inhale through my stuffy nose, "Thanks." I said hoarsely. 

She grabbed my hand, "Kaylee called. She wanted to make sure you're alright. You haven't been answering your phone." 

"I'll call her later." I looked out the back window. A car door slammed, and Noah walked (rather foolishly) up to his doorstep. 

"Mom... I have to go."  

I quickly ran out the door before she could object, not caring what I was wearing or what I looked like.

I ran up to Noah, and he turned. His blue eyes were sharp, aware, sober.  

My body broke down again, and I crumpled into his arms. 

He grabbed me and pulled me close, "I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so, sorry. I shoud never have taken you to that party."  

I wiped my eyes, "You- you fool! You freaking- Why? Why did you- Do that? I was with Kaylee for- Two hours. You- Never came looking. You moron. You had- to go- get drunk."

My words came out all blubbery. It was almost as bad as Noah calling after me the previous night.

He stroked my hair, "I know. I was stupid." 

What? Guys never admit. They can't be wrong. This wasn't what I expected. Yet inside I knew that Noah was always different. Always stronger, always brighter. He told the truth, he kept his promises, and in return I told him nothing but the truth and kept his promises. So I don't know what brought me to lie to him here, now.

I stopped sobbing and looked at him for a moment. His soft brown hair that I loved so much, his blue eyes that looked into my brown ones everyday, and at his navy blue shirt he wore last night.

Everything was familiar, but so vague.

He made it really hard to break up with.

Even though my next words were a complete and utter lie, they shattered my heart, "I- I can't be with you."  

He stopped stroking my back and looked blankly at me, "What?"  

"You...broke the trust...that we spent so long building up. And I know it could've been worse, I really do. You could have cheated. You could have... Vandalized something. Although, now the whole school knows about that kid you hit. Why did you do that? Wait, don't even answer. You DRANK. That's why."

He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off, because he deserved a truth, "Noah, I love you. You're my first love, I'll always love you. But I don't know where to go. I have standards. Guys who drink...Who lose themselves easier done than said... They aren't for me."

A pause.

"I love you, too." He whispered.

I felt his eyes on my back as I walked away, trying to forget the look of pain on his face.

The words "give him a second chance" raced through my mind, and I pictured me turning around and leaping back into his arms, fully embraced.

Instead, I kept walking.