How to Be Cliche (A Novel)

(6) I Could Tell You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You

You want to know how the rest of my day went?

Horrible. Absolutely, positively, horrible.

Apparently, any new students in the Mortimer High School speak directly to the Principal on their first day of school, before they see their guidance councelor and get their schedule. I, of course, already started off on the wrong foot with him, because I was not only late to see him, but I had failed to realize just how much of a stick in the mud he was.

It started with the glasses. You don't wear horn-rimmed glasses unless you are a pedophile, or you like to eat children in your spare time. There's a fine line between the two, I know, but let's not get to graphically into that because I've already disturbed myself thus far.

Then there was his outfit. I know I'm not a fashionista, but you can tell a lot about a person's outfit. Principal Meanie, as I nicknamed him because I might have blocked out his whole introduction speech while watching a mother bird feed its cute little squeakers right out his office window, didn't have even a speck of dust or lint on his ironed on blue suit and tie. OCD, much?

First mistake I made in the presence of my new principal: Jokingly implying he had a disorder that he actually had.

Second mistake I made in the presence of my new principal: Jokingly implying I had heroine in my backpack after he said there is a no drug and alcohol policy.

Wiping a hand down my face, I watched the security guards leave the room, throwing my backpack back at my feet, which had been thoroughly looked through for drugs.

"I swear, I had no idea that you actually had OCD, sir. I deeply apologize. From the bottom of my heart. I also didn't mean to waste anyone's time looking through my bag for heroine."

Deeply apologize from the bottom of your heart? Good one, Pepper. What a classic line you got there. How could one even "deeply apologize"? Was there honestly a depth of an apology deeper than a simple "I'm sorry" or a "Won't happen again"? I mean, unless you're married, I guess. Wives better get an apology deeper than the Earth's core, or you're sleeping on a futon in the living room for the rest of your relationship. All apologies were the same, if you ask me. It just depends on how much of a d-bag the person that you're apologizing too, or how many times they've already forgiven you.

Looking at his nametag on his desk, I said, "I've made a very bad impression of myself already, haven't I, Principal Howard?"

"Yes, yes you have." Straightening his shirt, Principal Howard organized the papers on his desk until everything lined up perfectly. "Miss Ballard, by looking at your previous grades at Elmer High School, I can see that you are academically proficient in many subjects. Because you will be unable to speak to your guidance councilor today, I took the liberty to look up a few things that you might be interested in here at Mortimer. I do believe you are more than qualified to join our honors program and track team, but besides those, there are many other activities Mortimir has to offer," Principal Howard said, leafing through a thick file that read, Pepper Ballard.

"It says here that you were President of your schools Taekwondo club, you are more than welcome to start one of those here. I remember reading a few moments before you came in, that you roundhouse kicked a man in a mask that tried to take over your school bus in fifth grade, and since the next police station was an hour away, you then tied the man to the roof of the bus so that the bus driver could take him straight to the police station. I'm thoroughly impressed by that, I must say."

"Not many people are amused by my round kicks so I appreciate that," I replied politely, thinking back to kicking Sin in the face. Man, those were the good days. I was really starting to loathe that guy, but at the same time, I didn't even want to mess with the guy. By now, he seriously hated my guts. I just had to stay away from him, especially if he was in any of my classes. And especially because I saw that he had a mouthful of fangs moments ago. Not even the Vampire kind, too, more like a Parana....a wolf.