Broken Crayons Still Color [Rated SPG]

Chapter 8

When Jackson entered the studio, Jaebum came running up to him, blabbering.

"Jackson, are you okay? Are you alright? What happened? Where's Mark?"

Jackson shook his head dismissively, looking away and walked over to Jungmin.

"Hyungnim, can I please sit out? I-I'm a little bit stressed about s-something and I know everything a-already... "

Jungmin inhaled a sharp breath.

"You can sit out, Jackson. I wouldn't make you practise when you're like this. Do you want to tell me what's happening?"

Jackson apologetically shook his head and thanked Jungmin before taking a seat around the walls.

Jaebum looked around at Jackson and furrowed his brows sadly, before turning back to the mirror and joining the rest in practice, sighing.

After twenty minutes of intense crying, Mark decided to return to the studio and practice with the members.

The door was creaky and scratched the floor when he pushed it, and everyone's attention was immediately on him. Jaebum went white when he saw Mark's face, and Jackson gulped, seeing Mark's red blotchy face.

Mark ignored everyones questions and eyes and sat down a few inches away from Jackson, sneaking glances at the latter. Jungmin looked at them thoughtfully before tearing his eyes from them and resuming practice.

Jackson tried to ignore Mark's presence, and he didn't want to upset him further. Jackson was angry, but knew he couldn't keep ignoring him much longer. He wanted to turn around and hug him and hold him close, and wipe the tears from his brown, tear-stained eyes. He wanted to caress Mark's face, to kiss his cheeks and to never let go.

However, Jackson's instincts kept him pretending Mark wasn't there.

Mark soon gave up trying to get Jackson's attention and simply turned away, letting tears fall onto his knees.

Why do I seem to disappoint everyone I love?

When the seven members got back to the dorm, Jaebum was spitting out questions.

"What happened?! Mark, why are you crying? Jackson?! What's going on?!" When Mark tried to turn away, Jaebum looked angry and spun him back around.

"Don't ignore me."

"Don't put your hands on me." Mark death glared Jaebum before turning toward his room and storming away, upset.

Jackson looked at Jaebum, angrily, and ignored all sense, following Mark into their room.

"Mark."

Mark ignored Jackson and continued to cling onto his bed sheets, crying.

"Mark. Please look at me."

He stood up, hesitantly, and walked over to Jackson.

"I-I'm sorry about before."

They both went quiet.

"I didn't mean to hurt you... I was just upset and angry."

Mark looked up at him.

"I'm sorry for what I'm about to do, and I know you're straight... but please don't push me away."

Before Jackson had time to answer, Mark had already pushed himself against Jackson and cupped his face, lips on his. Jackson's eyes widened, but felt strangely comfortable. Mark's hands remained on Jackson's cheeks as his tongue slipped through his lips and slid through Jackson's. Jackson closed his eyes and moaned in pleasure, and Mark continued to move his lips against Jackson's. It felt magical, it made Mark feel special and loved, before he realised that Jackson was straight. Mark opened his eyes and let go of Jackson's lips, as he stepped back and stood before a shocked but satisfied Jackson.

"I-I'm sorry- I'll go now-" Mark wouldn't look Jackson in the eye, and walked out of their room toward the bathroom.

"Dinner," Jinyoung called from the kitchen. The members crowded in one-by-one and each took a serving of the curry that was sitting on the kitchen bench.

Jackson smiled at Mark encouragingly, who simply looked away and felt ill.

Don't eat it all... purge up what you do eat...

Mark was drinking an awful lot of water with his dinner, Jackson noticed. He looked down at his plate and noticed how he had a lot more curry than Mark, and sighed.

"Hyung?" Yugyeom poked Jackson's shoulder and the latter looked up at him, wide-eyed.

"S-sorry."

"We were just wondering what you wanted for tomorrow's breakfast? We're performing on Monday so we have to eat less tomorrow."

Jackson shrugged, but his heart sank. Sigh...

"I don't mind. Fruit."

Jackson went back to eating, emotionlessly.

After all, what's the point in having emotions when all they do for you is cause you pain? He gave up on feeling emotions at this point, because at the end of the day, all they do is make you hurt. Make you angry, upset, stressed. Life was better without them- right?

Yes... yes, much better, Jackson decided.

"I'm going to shower." Mark turned toward the door

"You showered before..." Jackson said, aimlessly.

"Y-yes- I'm- I got juice on my shirt and chest before..." Mark left before Jackson could question him further.

Jackson frowned, and walked after Mark when he was sure he wouldn't see him.

He sat outside the door, waiting for the water to turn on.

A few minutes after he did, he listened for the familiar sound of retching and gagging, which soon made it's way to his ears. Jackson felt ill and cringed, getting up and walking away.

Jackson didn't want to feel anymore. He tried to hard to stop himself feeling emotions when he thought about Mark's disorder, but couldn't stop himself. He wanted to do something, anything that would stop him from feeling emotions, pain, anger, frustration, sadness.

He stood up as Mark came into the room.

"I heard you in the shower. And no- before you deny it, don't you dare tell me I misheard. I sat outside the bathroom door for ten minutes a day every day for three years. I know what purging fucking sounds like."

Mark's legs felt wobbly. No...

"I'm sorry I apologised. I might as well leave you to hurt yourself like this. Because the reality is, there's nothing I can do. Nothing. I can't tell the members. I can't tell the company. You'd be kicked out, and I refuse to interfere in your dream. There's nothing. And that hurts, Mark. It hurts a lot."

Jackson was pale, and refused to cry and show emotion. Mark, however, was crying and staring at his feet, guiltily.

"But it's not like cancer or something. I'm not sitting around, watching you die involuntarily. No- no, I'm sitting around, doing nothing, watching you kill yourself. Watching you drown in self-pity, watching you gradually sink lower into the pit of hate, watching you put yourself through pain because you feel you deserve it. Watching you take your own life out of the equation."

Mark's tears were falling excessively, and staining his sweater. He didn't look at Jackson once.

"I'm watching you disintegrate into tiny, miniature pieces and theres nothing, nothing I can do. I don't know why I care, I shouldn't care. I met you a few weeks ago. I don't want to care anymore. I don't know why I ever did. Mark, there's nothing I can do, so tell me; why do I bother?"

Mark stood still while Jackson turned around to the bunk and climbed up the ladder, underneath his covers.

Diary entry 7: Mark

I think he really hates me... I kissed him, he looked terrified, and then he got really upset... I have nobody to live for anymore... There's no point in living if the only thing I'm doing is making things worse, right? Jackson doesn't care anymore, so why should I?

- Mark