Broken Crayons Still Color [Rated SPG]

Chapter 15

Mark's death wasn't the last thing that stirred the group, unfortunately.

Jackson had forced himself to read over the last few entries in Mark's short-lived diary on a daily basis, and it tore him apart every time he did. Over time Jackson began to put himself in denial, convincing himself that Mark was still alive and just taking a well-deserved break from the intense trainee lifestyle. The members shot each other puzzled and concerned glances every time that Jackson would say something along the lines of, "I can't wait until Mark comes back with a present for me" or "when is he coming back again?" For Jackson, these were simple questions. He missed his best friend. He would see him soon though, wouldn't he? But for the members, these questions and comments that found their way out of the rapper's mouth were terrifying and awful to hear and completely impossible to answer. Once again, they found that there was something seriously wrong with a member of their slowly deteriorating group.

The first time their manager heard Jackson say something along the lines of "isn't Markie back tomorrow?", he frowned deeply.

"What do you mean, Jackson? Why are you bringing him up now?"

Jackson frowned back at him childishly. "Why not? He's visiting his family. He said he'd be back tomorrow."

Their manager eyed the members suspiciously. "Mark isn't coming back tomorrow, Jackson. He's not coming back at all. He's-" he continued, gulping, "he's not around anymore."

Jackson shook his head in denial, as always. As he always would when he was reminded of the bitter true. "You're lying to me. You're all lying to me. He'll be in my arms tomorrow and you'll all feel the burn of being wrong."

Everyone else heaved a sigh of indignance and let him crawl into the back seats of their shared black van, travelling in their usual uninterrupted silence to practice.

After Jaebum found Jackson in the bathroom with a blade in hand, two thin slices across his wrist and the awful diary open to the last page on the cold tiles in front of him, they took him to a therapist. He had been shaking, body weak with tears and a terrifying insane grin on his face.

The therapist had referred their manager to a hospital's psychology ward, and they had taken the rapper there the following day despite his immense reluctance. They attempted to keep Jackson from taking Mark's diary, but he had found a way around them and snuck it into his bag, hidden at the bottom under his clothes and shoes. His ritual of constantly reading the last few sentences and worst entries of Mark's continued all throughout his first two weeks of his time in the hospital.

A doctor that was attending to him one evening had noticed a small notebook sticking out from underneath his pillow and had taken it, reading through it. When Jaebum was asked about it, he confirmed that it was what seemed to be causing the issue and had taken back to the dorms.

When Jackson had realised the diary was gone, he cried. A nurse came to try comforting him but it didn't help. His connection with the elder was gone.

Jackson felt empty.

After the diary was taken away, the therapy seemed to work better. Jackson seemed closer to real life than he had since Mark's death.

Slowly, he started to come back to reality. He knew the diary was bad for him and he had stopped asking questions about Mark. Everyone had come to the conclusion that he was fine, and he was recovered. He went to practices and lessons as normal, he spent time with the members as normal, everything seemed like it was before. Only without Mark.

On his first night back from the hospital, they sat in the living room and watched movies together, encased by a thick, heavy blanket and a bowl of popcorn in front of them, which was only picked at by Bambam and Yugyeom. The bowl was half full when they all went to bed.

Jaebum seemed to try harder with Jackson, after he had seen what a heavy impact the elder's death left on him. Treated him more as family than he ever had, rather than a bandmate he was thrown into a dorm with.

On his second night back, his room heater wasn't working and his doona was thin and cheap. He laid in his bed, shivering, dwelling on memories with the elder boy. It hurt him, how much he thought about all the things they did together and all the things they were never able to do together. He thought about how much more he should have been to him, how useless he was in the long run, how he was nothing but a single star in Mark's dark galaxy. Nothing special. Simply another person to watch him drive himself to the end.

Bambam had always been a thoughtful little sweetheart, and when the elder heard the door creak open and his light footsteps as he padded across the floor, he smiled tiredly to himself in gratitude for a distraction.

"Hyung, I'm cold."

Peeling back his doona, Jackson allowed the younger to crawl under it with him and snuggle into his chest, his hand carding through the small boy's bed hair, lulling him back to sleep.

On his third night, they stayed home.

Jackson wasn't allowed to shower on his own anymore, after Jaebum had seen what he was doing when he was on his own the bathroom last time. Bambam and his sweet, kind heart didn't want him to hurt himself anymore, and stepped forward to shower with him. Despite Jackson's protests that he deserved his privacy.

When they both got into the shower, Jackson still shied away from the younger.

"Hyung, we're both men," Bambam had provided in comfort, accompanied by a cheeky high pitched giggle, making Jackson blush lightly and turn back toward him.

"Yeah, I know.."

The younger had, in response, picked up a bottle of soap and squirted it at Jackson, emitting a squeal of excitement when the elder did the same thing back with shampoo.

Jackson was thankful to have him around to keep his mind off Mark. Even if it was just for a short while.

On his fourth night, Youngjae heard him crying in the van on their way back from practice.

They had gone overtime, and they were all asleep. Jackson, however, had dwelled too much on the memories of Mark after Woojung had commented again on his "stupid fatal behaviour". Naturally, his emotions had overflown.

Woken by a nearly silent sniffling noise, Youngjae turned his head to the member sitting next to him and tapped his shoulder gently. His glistening eyes weren't hard to notice.

Another movie night had ensued, with extra attention from Bambam again. He was appreciative of his attempts to make him smile. Often, they really did make him smile, and it meant a lot to him that they could do that.

"Everything will be okay," the protagonist in the movie had said, "as long as I'm with you."

On the fifth night, Jackson lay awake under his covers in his darkened room again. The only thing Jackson could let himself think about was Mark, and how the younger should have been able to save the boy, should have stopped him before it was too late, should have kept him alive and happy. The rapper's thoughts were constantly in a whirlwind of you couldn't make him happy, you were never good enough to help him, you'll never be good enough for anyone.

He remembered a small part of the movie he watched with the members the previous night. "Everything will be okay, as long as I'm with you."

But I'm not with you, he thought. And nothing is okay, and all I want right now is to die.

Needless to say, he too could not be saved from himself, and absolutely nothing had the power to stop him from torturing himself beyond insanity, except the one person he himself had failed to save. Of course.

And while Jackson lay awake, unmoving, his mind was its usual whirlwind of thoughts. That even if he had done anything to help Mark, it wasn't good enough to keep him alive. He really was only a single star in Mark's whole galaxy, and nothing could save him anymore.