Broken Crayons Still Color [Rated SPG]

Chapter 11

Diary entry: Jackson

I threw out his shit, and I don't regret it. I'm sure he's angry, but it's for the best. I hope he sees my good intentions.

I haven't felt like doing anything lately, Mark seems to be the only thing I like in my life anymore, and I'm screwing him up too. I have a way of making everyone I like either hate me, not know about me, be embarrassed of me or somehow be screwed up by me.

I'm done with liking people anymore, but I still hold onto Mark and I really don't know why.

I don't, but I want to find out... I want to give up, but everytime I do, I come back again.

Why am I like this?

- Jackson

When the morning of the performance came, Jaebum had made sure that Mark didn't participate. He told him he was still too weak to dance for hours.

"Hyung, don't you think it's a bit much? I'm fine..." He had lied.

"You aren't fine, Mark," Jaebum sighed, threading his hands through his hair exhaustedly. "You passed out for twenty minutes. I'd hardly call that healthy. I still want to tell the manager."

"Don't," Jackson interrupted, making the two look at him. "I-I mean, if he knew, he'd be really suspicious."

Jaebum thought for a moment, considering his words. "I guess so."

Mark looked at Jackson confusedly, before shooting him a grateful glance.

"I'll just tell manager-hyung that you're feeling very unwell and think you're going to pass out. Hopefully he's take that."

The members nodded in agreement.

When they arrived at the performance venue, Mark made himself look as ill as possible to make Jaebum's excuse more believable.

Thankfully, their manager was feeling generous that day, and allowed Mark to sit out. The members quickly altered their positions on-stage and went to rehearse the show.

While they practised, Mark sat on a chair backstage. His eyes were closed calmly as he thought about the previous day's events.

I actually woke up...

He was disappointed with himself, that he had failed yet again. I failed at killing myself. How much sadder can I possibly get? He sighed internally, holding his chin in his hand and scratching destructively at his right thigh. Before he could open the old cuts though, his manager came and sat next to him with a gentle expression on his face.

Mark looked at him and nearly jumped when he noticed the kindness embedded in the lines of his face, because seeing him look so caring was new. Quickly, he pulled his shorts further down his thighs, resulting in a frown from the latter."H-hyung?"

"Mark... I'm curious... did something happen yesterday?"

Mark gulped nervously, before responding, "N-no... why?"

"You guys are all on edge today... I'm wondering if something shook you up," He paused, looking down, before frowning at the sight of Mark's red thigh. Before Mark could protest, he added, "What's this?"

Mark's breathing quickened as he panicked. "Nothing! Nothing at all!" He stood up and pulled his shorts down, but the sudden movement caused him to lose balance in his legs and stumble. The impact on the concrete made him yelp in pain, and he felt weak.

His strength began to slip away, and a sudden knock to the head on the floor was the last strand before losing consciousness and fainting.

When he awoke, he looked around and noticed three things; one, that he was in a clinical white room with beeping machines everywhere; two, that it was evening; and three, that all his members were in the room with him. They were discussing something, and it seemed to be serious, judging by the solemn looks on their faces.

Jackson sat the closest to the bed, and as he turned his attention from Bambam to Mark, his eyes widened to the size of saucers and he stood up, launching himself into Mark's arms. Mark gasped slightly, his body feeling weak and bruised. He felt a weight on his head, and touched it, feeling an ice pack strapped to his temples.

"W-What happened..?" He asked groggily.

Jaebum turned and faced him, eyeing Jackson, who was still hugging him. "You fainted while we were rehearsing, and manager-hyung brought us here after the performance ended. You were really sick-looking. I guess you really did still feel like passing out," He sighed, sounding slightly weary of everything going on. "It's been a day-" He checked his phone, "-and seven hours."

Mark gasped silently. "Am I okay?"

Jaebum looked tired. He mustn't have slept... "Yes. You're fine." He narrowed his eyes. "The doctor said it's unnatural to faint from hitting your head the way you did. You didn't seem to hit it dangerously."

"Oh..."

"Which brings me to my next point." Mark closed his mouth, gulping nervously.

"Y-yes?"

"The doctor said the main cause was the fact that you were extremely underweight and malnourished. He said your stress levels are abnormally high." He stopped, as though expecting a response. He drummed on the table with his fingers lightly, eyebrows raised. When no response came, he looked up expectantly. "So, is there anything you're hiding?"

Mark gulped, frightened. He didn't want them to know. Jackson looked at Jaebum, seemingly quite angry, but the latter ignored his glare and continued to gaze at Mark frustratedly.

He looked him in the eye and took a deep breath, readying himself. I guess I'm lying again. "No."

Jaebum nearly laughed. "Oh, so that's why you never eat properly, or wear short sleeves-" he eyed Mark's arm, which he pulled under the covers, "-or wear short pants willingly. You always take longer in the shower too. Don't tell me there's nothing to worry about."

"Hyung- Jaebum hyung, stop," Jackson intervened, looking at the older worriedly. "Please."

"No! He's obviously got something wro-"

"Stop! Please! Hyung, there's nothing wrong with him! Leave him alone!" He yelled, looking the older in the eye. Jaebum stepped back, eyes narrowed.

"You're defending him? How would you know anything?" Jaebum shook his head, exasperated. "You're his roommate, not his fucking girlfriend."

"No. I'm not just his roommate. I'm his best friend. Leave him alone," He glared holes into the older's skull, and he stepped back, intimidated, shutting up.

Mark looked at the two of them, and pulled Jackson closer by his sleeve. "Thanks..." he whispered quietly, out of Jaebum's earshot.

"It's okay, hyung. You alright?" He looked at him nervously.

Nodding, Mark looked at his arms. They were fading, and he crinkled his nose. He didn't like that fact that it had been two days since he had cut. Not one bit.

Grateful that he had helped him, Mark pulled Jackson onto the mattress, hugging him. "Thank you," He whispered into his neck. "Really. I was nearly crying."

Jackson blushed hard at the close contact, breath speeding up. "I-It's okay."

"I mean it." He wrapped an arm around the younger's waist, breathing in his scent. I really think I love you...

After a few minutes, the two had fallen asleep. The manager decided to let Jackson stay at the hospital with Mark, and took the others home instead. Jaebum was still angry that Jackson had defended Mark, but tried to let it pass.