Broken Crayons Still Color [Rated SPG]

Chapter 13

Diary entry: Jackson

He got put back in hospital after collapsing backstage. I guess I expected it.. I can't say it was a massive surprise.

We cuddled in the hospital for a bit but then manager-hyung took me to practice. Woojung yelled at me about how I'm so disobedient and Jaebum still hates both Mark and I, but I guess things are getting better. I hope they are.

- Jackson

Upon arrival at the dorm, Jackson tossed his stuff down on the ground and showered, changing into warm pyjamas and cuddling into a blanket on the couch. His phone was gripped tightly in his left hand, messages with Mark open, occasionally texting him. He liked to sit and read over their old messages, the cute ones like Get home safe! or Night xx love you or even You're a dork. All of them made Jackson smile a smile that nobody else could be the reason for. He often thought to himself about what he would do if Mark had died, but the thought to him was too vile, too dark, too upsetting to spend time dwelling on.

His teeth held his lower lip tightly as his smile seemed to light up the room, TV on but Jackson didn't pay attention. When the night came to a close, he sent a quick goodnight message to the elder and skipped to his room, snuggling into his bed and switching out the light.

In the morning, the same routine as ever applied; go to practice early. When Jackson arrived, Woojung made sure as hell to torment him the entire time. Not one of the members stepped forward to intervene; but Jackson had to ask himself, why would they? After all, none of them were on his side anymore. They all thought he was helping Mark starve himself, didn't they?

"Back again?" The sneer was practically visible in the choreographer's voice.

"Well yeah, I'm a trainee. I have to be back again."

The comments dragged on the whole practice, Jackson trying his best to block them out and tell himself it's just to make me feel bad. It's just to make me feel bad. Don't believe any of it.

The most hard-hitting topics were tossed around like a wave, Jackson trying desperately to withhold tears when Woojung mentioned things like, "Is your boyfriend dead yet? Is he really too pathetic to come to practice?" The tears were hard to hold in, but he had done it many times before, and thankfully, he was able to do so again.

Once again, Jackson left practice feeling disappointed in himself. He was losing concentration in practices because of Woojung's comments that rang like sirens in his ears constantly. All he wanted was to be with Mark and just smile and let go of the worries and be happy for awhile.

Changing quickly, the rapper slipped on a pair of shoes and walked himself to Mark's hospital, humming along to the song in his ears and playing games with his feet on the way. The hallways seemed busy, normal as ever, people talking cheerfully to each other as though the rooms nearby weren't habituated by ill, dying people. The thought made Jackson flinch slightly.

Upon arrival of Mark's hospital room, he gripped the handle, attempting to turn it. However, the silver knob would not budge. It was stuck, locked.

Locked.

Jackson's eyebrows furrowed in confusion and slight worry. Was it meant to be locked? Was it a mistake? Did the doctors know?

A woman in a nurse's outfit rushed up to him, interrupting his thoughts. Turning to look at her, she bit her lip and held his arm, pulling him into a room down a hallway off the side of the waiting room. He frowned at her, opening his mouth to speak, but she silenced him.

"Mark's not been doing too well today."

Her eyes were stern, face concerned and worried for a reply.

Jackson felt the uneasiness bubble in his belly as soon as the words left her mouth, frowning more. "What do you mean? Is he okay? Where is he?"

"He fell back into a coma this morning because he's been refusing food. His blood sugar levels are severely low and his liver isn't lasting well either."

Jackson's throat went dry. Mark... "Can I see him?"

The nurse shook her head. "I'm sorry, but the doctor have him in an emergency room and have requested no visiting."

"O-okay... thanks anyway..." As the woman started to walk away, he added, "Can I ask something?" The woman nodded. "Okay... Do you think he'll survive...?"

Her face fell, biting her lip and bowing, turning away.

Jackson's eyes welled with awful tears, salty and bitter like the rest of them. He didn't even try to hold them in, he knew he was alone now, and he let them fall, slumping into the wall and sitting down, legs against chest. He hugged them closely, trying desperately to tell himself he could still be alive, he could still be breathing, he could still be thinking about last week's practice session, but nothing drilled its way completely through his skull except He's dead, he's dead, he's dead.

He felt the shuffling of footsteps outside the room he was in and he felt it get gradually closer to the door, looking up and seeing the same nurse standing outside the door, gesturing for him to opening it. He did so, and she shuffled inside.

"I asked if you could go in. They said you can if you want to, but it'll be frantic and scary and horrible. Up to you..."

Naturally, the trainee chose to go in, looking at Mark with utmost intensity and desperation. Please be alive.

Please, please, please be alive.

Diary entry: Mark

I'm at the hospital again.

I hope I don't make it through, I don't even deserve to be here, nor do I want to be. I've had enough.

You might say Jackson's still here for me, but even he can't make me feel better lately. I don't know how to explain that, but it's how I feel.

I'm hoping if I reject food then I'll be too weak and I won't make it through.

I wonder what it'll be like without me? Better, that's for sure. Maybe Jaebum will talk to Jackson again. Maybe they'll be happy for once.

I don't deserve them in my life, and they deserve better than me. I'm not and I will never ever be anywhere near good enough for them. I'm just pathetic and weak.

I don't deserve them.

I don't even deserve to be alive.

- Mark