Broken Defender

Chapter Nineteen ~ Loss Of Inhibitions

It was finally six o'clock; finally time to watch the film. I didn't even know what this movie was that we were seeing, and I really don't think he did either. He was too busy fooling with the speaker system to even notice the previews, and by the time the opening credits were rolling he'd given up. "There's a fucking short in it or something." He complained, adjusting the speaker on the dashboard of his truck as I rested against the seat. Honestly I didn't mind too much. Maybe it was too early to judge, but the opening credits didn't make this movie look very interesting. Maybe it would be... and then maybe we wouldn't even get a chance to find out. "I give up." Harry muttered, shoving the speaker back and leaning against the seat of his truck. "It's not going to work." He sighed. I looked back at the movie screen, then at Harry. What would we do then, if we were unable to even hear the film? Of course I knew what most teenagers did at the movies, regardless of whether the sound would work or not. I'd seen enough television shows, and heard enough stories to know what went on during movie dates... even if I had never been on one myself. I took a shallow breath, quickly promising myself that I wouldn't let things get out of hand. I honestly don't think I'm ready for... well making out. I guess it's true Harry and I had experimented. We'd done our share of kissing, and I really liked it... but it was nerve racking. And Harry seemed pretty eager to go as far as I'd let him, maybe a bit further actually. I didn't want to deal with that yet. I'd rather talk actually... like we had in the diner. Harry had really opened up to me, telling me about his Mother's poor health... and about his Father's expectations for him. Could I open up to him like he had done with me? What did I have to tell, to talk about? Harry wrapped his arm around my neck, pulling me against him as we settled in to watch the movie without audio assistance. "What do you think's going on?" He asked, laughing a little at our predicament. His cheek, pressed to my head, causing the sound of his voice to reverberate deeply in my ear. I looked up at the screen as he did; watching as a woman seemed to be cooking dinner. "I thought this was a horror movie." I stated, staring up at Harry in confusion as he met my gaze. He pursed his lips, shaking his head in a confused manner. "Maybe a vampire will jump out at her yeah?" He suggested, looking back at the screen. A man in a suit entered the room right as Harry had spoken. He was carrying a brief case, and wearing a wide grin on his face. "There's the vampire." Harry whispered, pulling me closer as this new character seemed to bring intrigue to an otherwise boring movie. "That's her husband." I asserted, watching as the man kissed the woman gently on the cheek. She replied, daintily smiling at her spouse before returning to stirring a large pot of something. "This is boring." Harry grumbled, leaning further into the seat of his truck and sighing in aggravation. "And we can't even hear anything." He complained. I sighed too, leaning closer against Harry's chest in defeat as we both came to grips with the realization that we had just been cheated his money for tickets to this flick. Though it bared a good possibility, what with the way this movie was slowly progressing, that even if the speaker did work, we would still be bored.

"So what about your dad?" Harry asked. His sudden question surprised me, and I stiffened just at the topic alone. I didn't actually talk about my dad much... not to anyone. I didn't even talk about it with my mom, as I was afraid the subject might hurt her. Though it had happened now four years back, I felt it still a memory too bitter to discuss. What had I already told Harry though? He knew my dad wasn't around... but had I told him anything else? "He left when I was thirteen." I confided. My tone quieted a touch, and Harry recognized that, brushing his fingertips lightly up and down the flesh of my forearm. It was relaxing, comforting. Though it a small gesture, it seemed to ease me into the subject of my dad a little better than I would have been. "My parent's were really happy actually." I sighed, remembering a life I had earlier lived. What had driven him away? Would I ever know? I had asked those questions thousands of times, but every time I came up with the same conclusions. He must have gotten sick of us. That thought only forced old emotions back to the forefront of my mind. My chest drew in shaky breaths as I tried to collect my thoughts. I had never in my life said these words out loud... and now here I was, in an old Ford truck with a boy I barely knew, preparing myself to bare my soul to him. "Like they were really happy... I thought they were in love." I whispered, staring down as his hand, still tracing along the exposed skin of my arm. Its rhythm was habitual now, patterned... and I found comfort in the feeling. "He uh... he left a letter." I explained. "Two actually... one for me, and one for my mom." The memory took me back, forcing up old feelings as I remembered just how that morning had felt. Harry sensed my timidity, leaning in and kissing my head as I slowly continued. "I just woke up one day, and he was gone." I whispered. The recollection was bringing me more pain then I would care to admit, and I gritted my teeth together in torment. "My mom was at the kitchen table crying." I could see her again, broken hearted. Her hands cupped her face as the unfolded letter lay on the table in front of her. I had never seen her so shattered, so drained of happiness. Her eyes were glassy, behind them revealing a deep and almost demented state of agony. She looked like she wanted to die... and maybe part of her had wanted to die. To cease to exist as the one person she thought would never abandon her, had suddenly ripped himself from her side... and there was nothing she could do to stop it. My letter was still folded, innocently lying in wait as I slowly made my way to the breakfast table. It was addressed to me... to My Autumn, as he had always called me. "I read that letter a thousand times." I cried, taking another shaky breath as Harry held me tightly in his grasp, comforting me. I wiped a tear from my eye. Pain from every day of praying for his return was renewed in a bountiful outburst of emotions. My chin trembled as more tears trickled down my cheeks. My hands shook to wipe them away. "Hey, Suz." Harry whispered, adjusting himself so that he could look back at me now. His eyes were sad, broken for me, as I couldn't seem to hide just how bad these memories hurt. He reached up, brushing a tear from my cheek with his thumb as I squeezed my eyes shut, nodding my head in heartache. I swallowed back another sob, scooting away from Harry. I had never been accompanied or comforted through any grieving for my father, because I had always shut out the pain... and somehow these feelings made me want to be alone again... unseen. He couldn't see me this way... I never let anyone see me this way. Without another word I opened the door to his truck, sliding out of it as I gasped against the cold weather. The wind had picked up, blowing strands of hair into my tear saturated face, and only the light from the blaring movie screen lit the darkened outdoors around me. I shoved the whipping strands of my hair away, shutting the door of his truck, and leaning my back against it. Crossing my arms against my chest, I sniffled the persistent tears away as I let every thought swim through my head. It was no use though, fighting back the heartbreak... it was still there, causing tears stream down my cheeks as my chest rattled in misery. This night was supposed to be fun... not... not whatever this was.