Am I Transgender?

Trans Stuff

     I hate to label myself. But sometimes it just feels like my entire world is crashing in on me and I can barely breathe and that one word, one label, can make it go from a hurricane to a small drizzle. So time and time again when it comes to gender I feel it necessary to just play it safe and really say I'm not necessary transgender, but more like gender fluid, with a masculine side. If there was a way I could put it in words I guess it'd be that if I was born a guy I'd be really happy with that and fine with that, and probably wouldn't question it all too much, but I guess I don't necessarily want surgery though, like if I were to come to the conclusion I'm trans I think at most I'd get top surgery and leave it at that.

     I decided to put on my brothers deodorant the other day, it kind of went really well, and I used it for 3 days in a row, each day a new, maybe even happier experience. But then my brother found out and refuses to let me wear it, but my mom says she'll buy me some (not because she knows how I feel, but I told her that my brothers deodorant went on clear and I liked that). I even put on my brothers clothes without him knowing and tucked my lengthy hair into a beanie and honestly it felt so refreshing, but today I did something new, I was looking at short haircuts and then when I went to go shower, I wet my hair and shaved the left side right above my ear, and even though it wasn't a lot I just keep feeling the spot I shaved over and over again with the biggest and stupidest grin on my face. It just feels so amazing, and for once I feel really happy.

     I'm going to try to convince myself to cut my hair. I'm done with it, this is the perfect time to cut my hair, and I'm thinking maybe some of my dysphoria will go away once I get this done, and I'm really excited about it. I'm thinking about maybe waiting until spring to cut it though. But I really hope I go through with it this time. Whenever it comes close to the day I'm getting it cut I chicken out and freak out, one time I even had a haircut scheduled and cancelled it last minute. 

     Anyway that was my week in a nutshell, and I'm feeling quite good about it and it really helps writing all these jumbled up thoughts in my head out and having other people read it. I think it really helps knowing people can help, and that I shouldn't be afraid to be myself.