Am I Transgender?

I Think I'm Transgender

     I undeniably enjoy presenting in a male fashion over female fashion. I've stopped wearing makeup completely, I've only been wearing mens clothes the past few days. I stopped shaving. When I started growing my hair out I got dysphoric, so I cut it off again and the dysphoria lessened. I made this realization the other day, ever since I was little, like 5 years old, I never liked my birth name, I didn't feel comfortable with it and I felt like I just accepted it because when I was little I didn't know anything about being able to legally change your name. But I made this realization, maybe the reason it makes me uncomfortable is because it's an extremely feminine name and gives away my sex immediately.

     As of lately when my friends call my name and say "Goodbye (my birth name)" it feels so wrong. I went to my first meeting of GSA for my sophomore year today and I dreaded knowing we were going to have to go around and say our name and preferred pronouns. I'm not at the stage of this where I'm comfortable enough to be open with this other than the person I like. We have both confided in each other how we think we're trans, but other than them I don't feel comfortable yet telling others. I don't want to rush into a label with others, I want to give myself some more time to explore it and really find myself. When it got around to my name and pronouns I said my birth name and she/her pronouns and it just felt wrong. I'm not a girl. I don't feel like one. I present completely in a male way and I feel like it's some kind of joke saying I'm a girl and that people should laugh at it. 

     I'm starting to play around with he/him and they/them pronouns to see what I like the most. I'm looking up baby names to try and figure out what I might want to change my name to. And honestly I'm so happy I've gotten this far. It's been an incredibly difficult process and I doubted myself for so long because I never had questioned it in my childhood like so many other trans people say they have. I never had the moment where I found out what transgender was and meant and it clicked with me. I just started to develop these feelings and they made me question everything. In all honesty I don't think for a good part of my life I even saw gender, I think I just saw myself, if that makes sense. And I think once I got to high school I really started to see myself as a girl and I saw all these other ftm people and I started to question it. Growing up I had always been "tomboy", I played with insects and bugs and liked getting muddy, I was always extremely sporty, and I usually only wore sports clothes. I did things stereotypical of a guy to do. I remember when I was 10 I was looking at myself in the reflection of my windows and I twisted my hair up and tucked it to make it look like it was short hair and I remember how excited the thought of chopping it all off made me. But even though I had those experiences I never thought that I was supposed to necessarily be a girl. I do remember in the years leading up to me realizing this, I started to often have thoughts of I think life would be easier as a guy and things like if I could be reborn I would want to be reborn male.

     I feel more comfortable presenting in a male fashion for now, and for the next few months I think I'll definitely play it out and test out what presenting in a masculine way is like for me. So far I'm about a week in and I feel more like myself than I've been before.

     If anyone reading this has anything that they personally need to talk about feel free to message me, I may not response fast, but I'll definitely try my best to. If you're reading this and questioning gender or sexuality I'm always here to talk. This has been an incredible journey and the fact that actual human beings are not only reading this as I'm experiencing this, but also relating to it is so amazing to me. Feel free to comment below if you're struggling gender wise or sexuality wise. In case you're wondering I identify as bisexual, in the sense of 2 or more, but not pan because I feel different levels of attraction to every gender. I'm here to talk about anything you need to. It was hard going through this alone at first, but when I started opening up to others around me it got so much easier and I started to understand more.