Am I Transgender?

Coming Out

           Disclaimer: Do not feel the need to come out, it is not necessary, only do so in a safe environment and if you feel the need to do so. Once again coming out isn't necessary, especially to family or friends who may not be accepting. And if family is accepting, don't feel pressured to come out if you just aren't ready yet. It definitely took me a long time to talk to any friend or family member about these things.

     One thing that I've always hated is the concept of coming out. I am personally someone who has a hard time opening up to the people I'm closest with. I was feeling dysphoric for months before I opened up to a single friend about what was going on. I don't know why but I always set myself up for telling them then I panic and the words get caught in my throat and I choke up. I can never find myself getting it out. So whenever I have some big announcement to make or something hard to say, I resort to writing letters or sending texts. Which is how I came out to my mom. 

     On Friday, September 23rd, of 2016 I came out to my mom via text. That night I was having extreme dysphoria after reading a blog talking about being trans. I had a lot of realizations and I starting feeling physically ill the dysphoria was so bad. I felt like I couldn't breathe, I was basically having an anxiety attack. Words and people talking made me feel even worse for some reason, and I just felt a heavy weight on my chest. I told my mom that I was feeling that way, but not why, so she took me out for a drive with the radio on and my window rolled down for a breath of fresh air. It definitely helped a little, especially the fresh air in my lungs.

     After the drive, I got home and collapsed in my bathroom. Even after the fresh air I still felt really horrible and panicky and just overall I was in a bad state of mind. I just wasn't feeling happy at all. So I decided I'd text my mom, I wasn't a hundred percent sure about it, so I took a shower first and told myself if I was still feeling like I should tell my mom after the shower, then I would. Low and behold I exit the shower, wrap a towel around my body, take my phone from off the counter and I start writing a text to my mom about how and why and what I have been feeling so strongly for these past few months.

     I basically told her the reason for the bad anxiety and the panicking was due to dysphoria because for the past few months I have been experiencing gender dysphoria. I didn't really know how exactly she was going to respond, but I believed that it wasn't going to be too rash of a response. Luckily enough she was completely accepting and caring and she told me she'd love me forever no matter what. I'm extremely grateful and lucky for her reaction to have been so accepting and caring and filled with love. 

     Now I have yet to come out to my dad, who I know will be accepting and I'm planning to tell my sister how I'm feeling later this week. This has definitely been a tedious process and not the easiest, but I'm glad I've made it this far.