Since I cut my hair I haven't had a single problem. Nothing. In fact up until today I was convinced that I was finally getting on with my life and figuring things out. I thought that even the masculine side of me finally died down after cutting off all my hair.
For maybe about 5 months, a little less, I felt a kind of bliss because I genuinely didn't feel any masculine side to me coming out. But today for some stupid reason all out of nowhere it hit me and it hit me hard. And it's the stupidest reason too. I was shopping for clothes online, and there was this male model with striking blue eyes and curly brown hair modeling a sweet baby blue sweater. And looking at him instead of thinking "Man, he's hot" or anything like that, I instinctively went to think "Is this what I could look like, even remotely, if I had been born of the male sex?" And now there's this big pain in my chest, tearing me up inside, telling me that no matter how much I wish I could look like that, or be that man, I never could. I'm way too short, way too girly looking, way too much of everything I don't want to be now.
Why was I okay for so long? Was I really feeling better or was I suppressing it after cutting of my hair? Did I convince myself I was feeling less of these feelings or was I genuinely feeling less?
Why am I so short?
Why am I so feminine looking?
Why can I never be happy with how I look for long?
Even if I'm not trans, but rather genderfluid, how do I find the balance that will ultimately make me happy?
Why is my body so gross? So disgusting? So uncomfortable and awkward? So unlike what I wish it could be?
What do I even wish my body to be?????
YOU ARE READING
Am I Transgender?
De TodoAs by my username you can tell something isn't all right. Or at least something gender wise isn't. Nothing adds up in my life anymore and sometimes it can get so frustrating, so I've decided to write everything I bottle up on a daily basis due to ge...
