The Journal (Phan)

One

"Finally" I yawned. I looked over to the clock on my bedside table. It read 3:38 AM, that meant it only took me three hours to write the final chapter of my story. I had been working on this story for almost a year now. It was a story of a boy who wasn't seen. He existed but went unnoticed. Until one day, when a boy entered his life. Someone that went out of his way to see Porter, the boy who was lost in reality.
I clicked publish and watched as the last chapter uploaded. I left my MacBook open and got up off my desk chair, making my way to my neatly made bed. I pulled back the covers and climbed inside. Whenever I shut my eyes a small headache would form. That's what I get for staring at a screen all day everyday.
I reached over to my phone that was plugged in next to me, opening Tumblr and finding myself in the usual trance of social media. About an hour or so later my alarm clock went off. I groaned and slammed down the snooze button. "Bloody school" I grumbled. I set my phone down and climbed back out of bed.
I constantly have a lack of sleep that can be blamed on my writing and my obvious addiction to Tumblr. I let out a loud yawn and rubbed my bloodshot eyes.
"Daniel?" I heard my mother ask through my closed door. I groaned in response and she slid the door open. "Do you want breakfast, love?" She continued. I groaned once more and mumbled non understandable nonsense. Good thing after seventeen years of life my mum has managed to figure out my morning language.
Mum left the room and walked towards the kitchen. I turned to my dresser to pull out some clothes. I grabbed a pair of black jeans and a random jumper. Throwing the outfit on quickly. I then went over to my desk where my hair stuff was scattered on top. I plugged the straightener in and waited for it to get hot. Once all the small kinks in my hair were fixed I grabbed a bottle of dry shampoo. I squinted my eyes and held my breath as I sprayed my hair.
After my morning routine was finished I made my way to the kitchen. Where my mum had my tea waiting. I thanked her by giving her a small kiss on the cheek then sat down at the counter. I pulled out my phone and continued my scrolling through Tumblr.
"Honey that's the third night in a row. You really need to get some sleep" My mother insisted. I shrugged. It's not the first time I have gone a full three days with no sleep. "Just be careful ok? We don't want you falling asleep in class" She kissed my forehead then went to grab her purse.
"If you want a ride get your shoes on, I'm leaving now" She said as she slipped her own shoes on. I nodded and sipped my tea. She raised an eyebrow. "I'll walk" I finally spoke. She nodded and opened the front door, shutting it behind her. As my mother knows I only speak in front of others when it feels absolutely necessary.
I finished drinking my chai tea and slung my book bag over my shoulder. I was dreading school. It's practically impossible to stay awake during lessons. The professors are literally the most boring human beings I have ever witnessed. Although sometimes I can just get up and leave the class and no one seems to really notice. I think today is one of those days.
I shivered when the cold morning air hit me. My jumper wasn't enough to keep me warm. I was to lazy to go back inside for a jacket though. So I continued to walk to school in the blistering cold. We hadn't lived far from the death trap they claim to be an educational facility. Mum thought that maybe if we lived close to the school there would be lots of kids in the neighborhood. Our whole street is filled with people on their death beds. Elderly that are just waiting to die. Hoping one night they will go to sleep and never wake up. Sometimes I wish for that to.
I could fairly see the school in the distance. My legs hurt from the small amount of exercise I had to undergo. I am probably one of the least active people around. I would much rather sit and scroll through boards or write then do physical activity. Once I made it to the front doors of the school I was engulfed in the warmth from inside.
"Dan!" Someone shouted. My head lurched in horror at the sound of my name. No one ever used my name. They never needed to. No one ever talked to me. There was a boy at the other end of the hall, awkwardly waving to me as he ran. I scrunched my eyebrows in confusion.
"Sorry?" I asked. He stood in front of me with his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. "You" he gasped for air "You are" another gasp "Dan Howell, no?" He asked. I hesitantly nodded my head. A small smile passed across the boys face.
"You left this, in English" He held out a book. I gasped and felt my eyes bug out of my head. I almost fell as I attempted to swipe my notebook from his hand. He laughed slightly. "Don't worry, I didn't read it"
"Th-thanks" I coughed out before quickly moving around him. I scurried through the corridor as I attempted to push the embarrassment to the back of my head. Surely it meant nothing since he hadn't read it. If anyone was to read my journal I would die. It holds all of my secrets.
    I sighed as I entered my first hour. Then it dawned on me. This is English. That boy will be here. That weird boy. He actually talked to me. The teachers don't even talk to me. There was an actual point in time where I seriously thought I was invisible. Like legitimately invisible. I realize now how silly it sounds but could you blame me? I probably could've screamed bloody murder in the middle of the corridor and no one would have noticed.
   I took my usual seat at the back table. I pulled out my notebook and headphones. Making sure to shove my journal deep into my book bag. Muse was quietly playing from my earbuds. I casually did the work on the board and finished quickly. I took the last ten minutes of class as an opportunity to scroll through Tumblr some more.
   "Jesus Christ!" I jumped about a foot out of my chair. A tap on my shoulder had scared the living crap out of me. I turned to the suspect and saw that same pasty white boy from earlier. "I-I'm sorry, I hadn't meant to scare you" He seemed slightly nervous. When I looked around the room no one was paying any mind to us. I literally yelled as loud as possible and no one even flinched. Not even the teacher noticed.
    "Yes?" I asked. His eyebrows furrowed as he thought. "Well I-I don't actually know. You just looked lonely" He finally said. I chuckled slightly. "I'm alright" I turned back to my phone. When I looked back up the guy was still standing there.
    "Is there something you need" I raised an eyebrow. He opened his mouth then closed it again. "Ok" I looked back at my phone. I was watching him from the corner of my eye. He still hasn't moved. He pulled out the chair next to me and sat down. I had to hold myself back from growling at him.
    "I'm Phil" He said. He was looking right at me. I haven't ever had this much attention from someone that wasn't my mum or my brother. I wasn't sure wether or not I was very fond of it. I looked up and gave him a small nod of acknowledgment. His smile seemed to fade slightly. "What are you doing?" He asked. Right when he finished his sentence the bell sounded. I sighed with a slight amount of relief and gathered up my items. "Oh uhm... I guess I'll see you around?" He awkwardly waved and walked away. I watched in curiosity.
    Why he was even talking to me in the first place was beyond me. It was probably beyond anyone. I just shrugged to myself and exited the class. My second hour was Art, which I am failing intensely. Not because I don't do the work but because I seriously can't draw. I can barely make a circle look correct. I entered the Art class and sat down at an empty table.
    The teacher began explaining today's lesson and I listened half heartedly. "You will need someone to model for you. We are going to be painting someone. The focus of the project is details. Any style is welcome, I recommend acrylic paints but if there's something else you prefer you are welcome to it" She smiled at the class. Well I'm going to fail this one. Maybe I can get mum to help me. It's not like I know anyone else willing to be my 'model' and there's no one else I really even want to be my model anyway.
The class erupted into loud whispers and I pulled out my phone. I texted my mum about the project and then began my scrolling on Tumblr. I gave my Instagram a quick check and looked through my notifications. There were seven comments on my recent picture. It wasn't a picture of me it was a picture of a cute kitten. I assumed the comments would just be something on the path of 'Awh' or 'How cute!' but when I read through what people had said my breath caught in my throat.
Fucking faggot
Howell, get a life
Why are you still alive? Worthless emo
Go away damn fairy
Don't you have a dick to go suck
Please, no one cares about you
Kill yourself already!
The words hit me like a brick wall and I cringed. I silently got up and walked to the teachers desk. "washroom?" I asked the teacher. She smiled at me and a gave a head nod. I walked out the class and with each step I took I could feel the weight on my shoulders growing heavier and heavier. I slowly opened the washroom door and the second it closed behind me I crashed to the floor. I began sobbing like the pathetic wimp I know I'll always be. I'm not even emo. So why do people think these things of me? It was complete bogus.
I crawled over to the nearest stall and shut myself inside. My stomach beginning to turn. I gagged a few times before moving myself over a toilet bowl where I released my anxiety. I sobbed once more and curled up on the cold tile floor. I heard the washroom door creak open and someone slowly stepped inside.
"Daniel?" I heard. It wasn't a voice I recognized. I honestly didn't recognize anyone's voice. I could barely even recognize my own name coming from someone who wasn't my mother. I didn't make a sound and watched under the doorway as the feet got closer. Black vans made their way infront of the stall I was hiding in. The swinging door opened and I closed my eyes tightly. I held my breath and wiped away the tears that now stained my cheeks.
"Dan, what's wrong?" The boy asked. I took a deep breath and opened my eyes. "Ph-Phil?" I asked in shock. He leaned down and moved my fringe back into place. His hand lingered a bit and I choked on my own saliva.
"Dan" he whispered. He looked at me with sorrow and worry. It is the most I have ever been looked at. "Go away!" I spat at him. I don't care if he is the only one who has noticed me. Perhaps I didn't want to be noticed! I like being alone. I don't want to rely on others for anything!
"Dan, please don't be so hostile. I'm only here to help" His voice was soft and sincere. I rolled my eyes and sat up. "Why now? Out of all the years I have seen you walk these damn halls! Why did you suddenly choose to notice me now?!?" I practically screamed. It was probably the longest sentence I have said in years. Also probably the most emotion I have shown in years. His mouth was agape as he stared in shock. I got up and he backed away a bit.
"Dan I-I don't know what to say" He finally gasped. I pushed him out of the way and used the back of my hand to clear any tears left on my face. I quickly exited the washroom and went back into class before Phil could chase after me. The teacher didn't look up when I entered and neither did any students.
I could hear my teeth grinding against each other as Phil entered my class. He walked up to the teacher and waited patiently till she acknowledged him. "You alright, Phillip?" The teacher asked. Phil smiled. "I'm great and you?" he responded. The casual conversation he was able to hold with a teacher made my blood boil.
"I'm okay anyway what can I do you for, Lester?" If only he knew the teacher has literally no idea of who I am. Asking me out of the class is a lost cause. "I have first hour with Daniel Howell and we have a preposterously complicated project. Do you mind if I borrow him for a few" Phil lied. The teacher seemed slightly confused.
"I'm sorry, who?" Phil looked around the class and when our eyes caught I looked away. "Daniel Howell" He repeated as he continued to look directly at me. The class started to look around in confusion. I saved myself the rest of the embarrassment and stood up. I gave the teacher a nod and grabbed Phil's arm a bit rough. I dragged him out of the class with me and dropped my grip once the door shut behind us.
"What?" I asked angrily. Phil grabbed my hand and started to try and pull me. I refused and stayed where I was standing. "What are you doing?!?" I questioned. Phil's light blue eyes met my dark brown ones.
"I want cocoa" Was all he said. He began to walk down the hall towards the front of the school and I stared at him. It seemed slightly childish. Then again no one had ever wanted to go in public with me before.
"Whatever" I mumbled as I followed behind him. The winter air seeped through my jumper the moment we stepped outside. Phil shivered and hugged himself tightly. His jumper was winter themed and festive with snowflakes and different shades of blue.
Starbucks isn't to far from the school so I assumed that's where we were walking to. "So what was all that nonsense in the bathroom about?" Phil asked as he kicked a rock. I watched the rock skid across the pavement. The single lonely rock. As we got close to it again Phil moved his foot towards it.
"Stop!" I yelled much louder than intended. He looked at me with confusion written all over his face. I bent down and picked up the rock. It was smooth and soft on one side and rugged with sharp points on the other side. I slipped the rock into the pocket of my black jeans. Phil was staring at me but instead of the look that I was expecting he looked at me with...passion...maybe? I'm not exactly familiar with this look. I had completely expected him to look at me like I was crazy or something.
"What's so special about that rock?" His smile was warm and his eyes were big as they filled with curiosity. I pulled the rock back out of my pocket and turned it in my hand.
"It was just so lonely" I whispered. Phil put his hand on my shoulder and I looked at him. Physical contact isn't something I will ever get used to. "Are you sure it's the rock that's lonely" His ocean blue eyes were looking into my dull brown ones. It felt as though he could see into my soul.
I stayed silent until we reached Starbucks. We went inside and Phil ordered two hot chocolate and brought them back to the table I had sat. As he sat down his face lit up like a child. He sipped at his drink and closed his eyes, enjoying it.
"Why did you bring me with you?" I asked. He smiled and didn't open his eyes. "I like you" He responded without even taking time to think on it. Instantly my mind flashed to a fanboii moment. There's a cute boy sitting in front of me who says he likes me. Then I came back to reality and realized not everyone is gay. He probably meant it in a friendly way. Even if he did mean it as a friend that's still a huge deal! I've never had a friend before.
"That's good" I shrugged. I wasn't exactly sure of what else to say. He nodded and continued to sip his sugary drink with his eyes closed. I was about to tell him that so far I like him to but my phone went off before I could open my mouth. I answered the call and Phil opened his eyes.
"Sorry mum, I'm with a friend. Phil. Alright" I finished my conversation with my mum and hung up. She was wondering why I wasn't at school. I don't think she actually believes that I'm with a friend. I wouldn't believe it either. Phil might not even be a friend. I don't actually know him enough to determine that.
"Anyway, you alright" He smiled once my phone was face down on the table. It kept buzzing with Instagram and Tumblr notifications. It was becoming hard to ignore. I clenched my fists under the table and glared at the vibrating I-phone.
"Fine, you" I responded. He finished the last of his cocoa and the empty cup echoed when he set it on the table. "I'm wonderful thank you for asking!" He beamed. His enthusiasm scared me a bit but I assumed most people weren't as pessimistic as me. "Are you going to check that" Phil pointed to my phone. I gulped as a lump began to form in my throat. I didn't want to look at my Instagram. I didn't want to deal with what I knew people were saying.
"No" I said. He raised his eyebrows in surprise. I am not sure why he is so surprised though. It's not like it matters if I don't check my phone for ten minutes. Even if it does physically hurt me. Who knew I was so attached to my phone. Not checking my notifications is actually painful.
"Dan, what's wrong" Phil's voice went serious and the silly smile he always held disappeared into a straight line. His eyes pleaded mine and I looked away quickly. I have probably had the most eye contact with this childish boy today than I have in my entire lifespan. It was something I wasn't sure of. I hadn't decided wether or not I liked all this attention or if I would rather be in the corner of my room all alone with my Tumblr.
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