As I guy this is hard to admit, I feel like I'm putting my dick on the counter and chopping it off, but, I cried today. I cried so hard. I miss you. I miss your smile and all the little things you would do to make me feel loved. I miss your warmth that you held in your arms whenever you hugged me. I miss everything, and I just saw you yesterday. Yesterday you broke my heart, or maybe the other way around- I don't know. I'm heartbroken though.
Every breathe I breath feels like a knife is cutting into my lungs making it hard to stop crying. I've never experienced this before. Feeling physically pained from losing a connection with one person. One person who meant the world to me. Gosh i miss you.
I saw you yesterday. Yesterday. When I left that restaurant I'll tell you I've never had that much weight on my shoulder since I was thrown into this industry at 14. I'm sitting in the bedroom we spent so much time together in and I'm reading our old texts, I can't bring myself to delete them.
I went through my Instagram, a couldn't delete those pictures either. I noticed you posted a picture 20 minutes ago, and you haven't deleted any of our pictures either.
Are you scared of what people with think when they find out we broke up?
It's 10:34pm and Scooter just texted me. He asked if I wanted to go from a drink with him and Johnny. I told him what happened. Everything. I read the text twice before deciding it didn't need a response.
I remembered the day we met, you remember, right?! The first time I laid my eyes on you I swear I felt my heart skip a beat! I kept looking at you and smiling and you thought you had something on your face. I would stare. I would take pictures of you when you weren't looking and post them on social media. You would always get mad "I'm not a picture person!" You would yell while chasing me. "You're too beautiful not to be!" I would yell back, catching my breathe.
"I love you." I would say as if it was second nature. I want to text you that right now, you know that? I want to text you that i love you and i want to beg you to forgive me. I made a stupid mistake of breaking your heart, and with that I broke my own.
It's 11:00pm now and I've been crying since 9 am. I feel like I'm dehydrated now, maybe I need some water. Or some food. I haven't eaten today. I wonder how you're doing, how you're coping with this.
Are you more sad than I am? Is that possible?
My eyes feel like 100 pound weights but every time I try to close them they fill up with more tears. My head is pounding but I can't stop myself from looking at my phone "did she text? Did she call?" I'm so hopeful. I'm so sad at the same time.
*buzz*
I picked up my phone and noticed I couldn't even read the screen because my vision was that blurry. I wiped my eyes on my sleeve and read the following
From: my love
I would love to text you and say I'm doing just fine without you but I'm not. Make sure you eat, i love you.
She did what I wanted to do. She told me she loved me. My fingers went numb from holding onto my phone so tightly.
To: my love
I love you too.
I clicked off of messages and went to her Instagram, she had 27 pictures posted last time I checked. Now she has 12. All of her pictures with me in them are gone.
- they say it takes 21 days to break a habit
