Chapter 12
She looks up to see the hurt flash across my face. "Kimba this is not how I wanted this to happen. Please let me explain."
I nod and silently turn walking back into the living room and sitting myself down on the couch. She sits at the opposite end facing me.
"I actually never planned for you to find out at all. I never expected any of this... us to happen."
"How am I the reason?" I ask as silence lingers in the air to long for my liking.
"I've loved you since I met you." She gently grabs my hand that rests between us. " I loved you so much it scared me, I was only sixteen. I really was jealous of yours and Sarah's friendship but I was also jealous because I thought I could never have you the way I wanted to. Thats why whenever we tried to be friends it didn't work, I couldn't handle it."
"If you wanted me so much what was all that sh!t with Sarah's boyfriends?"
"I did it mostly to wind her up but they did serve as distractions to take my mind off of you. I fooled around with some of them but I never had sex with them. Whenever it almost happened my mind would wander back to you. I always dreamed of my first time being with you." She blushes at her little confession.
"So you've never?"
She shakes her head no, "I still dream" she flashes me a smile and I return it before she continues. "At that party when you tried to kiss me and I rejected you, I was protecting myself."
"I wouldn't have hurt you." She's too caught up in explaining that she doesn't realise the meaning behind my statement.
"To you it may have been just a kiss but to me it would have been everything. I knew you were drunk and you meant more to me than a drunken snog. The next day if you wouldn't have even remembered it or said it was just a bit of fun, it would have killed me."
"Is that why you left two days later and never came back?" If only she'd known that it would have meant more to me too.
"I never meant to stay away. I went back to my mum's to think things over. I couldn't go on pretending, the next time I saw I wanted to be ready to tell you everything." Her grip on my hand tightens. "Mum convinced me to stay in Newcastle for another week because she missed me. At the time I was glad she did as I was still nervous as hell about facing you."
I lay my other hand over ours between us. She's hesitant to continue so I gently stoke her hand with my thumb. "Mum knew I was stressed but didn't know why. When I became increasingly tired and lethargic she assumed it was from the stress." Tears form in her eyes, "I remember hugging ad kissing mum goodnight then.. waking up in a hospital bed."
"Oh my god"
"Thats just what I thought. Nurse Coyle was at my side and informed that I had slipped into a coma three months ago and though mum wasn't there at the moment that she did visit frequently. Thats all she could tell me. It was the doctor that eventually came in and told me about the cancer and my life expectancy. While I was left alone to process what I had just learned in walked Nadine and we've been best friends since."
With tears flowing freely down both of our faces I pull her into a tight hug. "I left because I loved you but circumstance kept me away" she cries onto my shoulder.
"I loved you too baby and I still do" I say as I cling to her for dear life. After a few minutes she pulls away wiping away my tears then her own. She looks exhausted, "Ready for bed babe?"
"No, I want to tell you everything finally." I nod taking her hand once again. "Even with all the treatments the doctor said at best I had three years."
"What?" I exclaim "but that was eight years ago."
"I know but near the end of the second year the cancer was in remission, I was beating it Kimba. I honestly don't think I could have survived without Nads even when she moved she managed to always be there for me when I needed her." She smiles as she thinks fondly of her friend. " After two years I still loved you. I thought you'd be better off without me back in your life to screw it up so I pushed my feelings for you aside and began to live my second chance."
Her story stalls as she takes time to compose herself. The next bit must be difficult, everytime she tries to speak the tears come back to her eyes. "You don't have to Chez."
On her next attempt the words escape her lips, "I found out four months ago the cancer came back. Up until about a month ago I accepted it and wasn't afraid of dying anymore but you changed that. I came back to make amends because I knew my life was over. I just wanted to make things right. I never expceted an us but when I looked into your eyes I felt myself fall in love with you all over again and for the first time I saw something in your eyes."
"Thats why you made me promise?"
"Yes. As much as I wanted something to happen between us in the past, I didn't want it to this time around because I know the next time I leave I can't come back. Then you treated me with such kindness even though you didn't have to and you made me happier than I've ever been. When I'm with you I don't think about the cancer, I'm just happy. Even in the hospital I didn't think about it because I had you by my side. I didn't tell you after I got out because when I'm with you I'm not dying but for the first time in my life I feel like I'm truly living."
She suddenly becomes very shy as plays with my fingers, "Now that you know everything you can decide if you really want to be with me or is it too much for you to handle because this time I don't know how long I have. Do you still want me?"
She looks down as she waits for my answer. I wait for her to look at me again, "Of course I do. If we only have a day, a week or a year I want to spend it with you. I love you." She blesses me with a dimpled smile as I lean in capturing her lips in a tender kiss.
"I'm sorry" she says as we rest our heads together, "for not telling you sooner."
"I'm sorry too for acting like a weirdo lately."
"Its ok Kimba 'cause you're still my weirdo." I kiss her deeply and passionately compensating for my lack of proper kisses recently
