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11. Confessions

When Lucas’ lips landed on Allie’s, she sat there frozen, her eyes open. Allie didn’t respond. She knew instantly that the kiss meant nothing to either of them. As Lucas held her face in his hands it was simply as if he was pressing their lips forcefully together, not really kissing her at all. Allie waited patiently for him to release her; calmly debating whether or not she should slap him. Allie resolved not to, until he had explained himself. Finally, Lucas let go and pulled away. He closed his eyes tightly, screwing his face up. Lucas was awaiting a well deserved blow, but none came. He knew he shouldn’t have done what he just did. It achieved nothing, and he felt nothing.

He cracked open one eye. “Aren’t you going to slap me?”

Allie glared at him. “No. But you had better start explaining what the hell that was.”

“Nothing! I swear it was nothing!” Lucas put in hurriedly.

“I know that, Lucas. I could feel that it was nothing. What I want to know, is why you did it.”

“I... I wanted to prove to myself that I’m wrong."

“Wrong about what?” Allie asked, patiently waiting for him to explain properly.

Lucas looked down at his hands, cursing to himself. He knew he now owed it to Allie to be honest, but he wasn’t ready to be. He continued to tell himself he was wrong day after day. He definitely wasn’t ready to go letting anyone else know. What Lucas was feeling could ruin everything he had built up, Lucas knew that. He was scared of that. Even so, part of him wanted to let it out, to tell someone who wouldn’t turn around and accuse him of anything, or make him feel like such a screw up.

“You can tell me, Lucas.” Allie told him softly.

Lucas looked Allie right in the eyes. “Can you keep a secret?”

Allie nodded. Lucas took a deep breath.

Allie knew whatever he was about to tell her was serious, that it meant a lot to him. So she was willing to listen and keep it to herself if that’s what he asked. It was only fair.

“This is going to sound stupid.” Lucas ran a hand through his hair, messing it up further. “I wanted to prove to myself that my feelings aren’t real. That I’m just lonely. But that didn’t help at all.”

Allie took it in, but Lucas’ words only left her with more questions than answers. “What feelings?”

It was about time that Lucas accepted the way he felt.

“The one’s I have for Hannah.”

Allie bit back her smile. She had silently speculated, but as Hannah was with Mike, it seemed rather straightforward. Lucas hung his head. Reaching out, Allie patted his knee. Lucas grabbed her hand and held it tightly in his; his mind now wandering to that lonely place it did when he thought about Hannah. His best friend who made him happier than anyone. his best friend who would be happier with anyone.

“Is this what you and Nate were fighting about?” Allie asked gently.

“No. I was upset, and then I got angry because he wanted me to tell him what was wrong.”

“Why were you angry about that?”

“Because he was pretending to care!”

Lucas’ anger towards his friends was coming back, but Allie was just confused. “Pretending?”

“Yes pretending.”

“Lucas, that’s bullshit, and you know it.”

“You don’t get it,” Lucas mumbled falling back on his bed.