Why me

Why Me P25

Jessie-“Kenzie, just tell me what happened, what you were thinking, how you felt, I need to know because one things for sure, the Kenzie I knew would of jumped, once she had something in her mind, she was going to do it, and I know myself I was stood at the ground beneath you trying to work out how I would catch you and planning on telling mom how you died.” I and Jessie were sitting on her sofa alone, I had told Holly I would talk to her after I had some rest and I demanded to Jessie I was going to tell Holly the whole story. Jessie asked me if I would tell her first, and I kind of wanted to but it just wouldn’t come out. This was silly okay, but I felt like Jessie would judge me, like she didn’t know how it felt.

Kenzie-“Jess, I just don’t know what to say, I want to tell you but-“

Jessie-“But what Kenz, you know I’m always here for you, you know I’m the least judgemental person there is, especially when it comes to you, so just tell me…please.” As Jessie said this she grabbed my hands in hers and daggered her eyes into mine pleading with me.

Kenzie-“What do you mean ‘especially when it comes to you’?

Jessie-“Kenz, you are my little sister, I love you more than anything, okay, more than anything in the world, I could never in my wildest dreams have thought I would have a little sister, and you know I’ve told you before how much I would love one, you should know since day one I’ve tried to help you, as best as I could, and maybe that wasn’t good enough, but you have my word Kenzie Cornish, everything IS going to get better and I’m going to be there with you every step of the way.” I felt like Jessie actually meant what she was saying to me, like as every word flew out of her mouth I could feel the power that came with it.

Kenzie-“Jessie I want to tell you, I just don’t know where to start.” This was the truth, Jessie hardly knew about how I felt as soon as I found out about Rose or any of that, she just knew what was sugar coated and was made to look like Rose’s and Daisy’s, this obviously wasn’t Jessie’s fault, it was mine, I put on a brave face when I didn’t have too.

Jessie-“Start from the beginning Kenzie, as far back as you want to go, tell me everything, every thought and every feeling, as long as it takes I will listen and I will help.” With this Jessie sat back on her chair as did I, Jessie squeezed my hand and raised her eyebrows at me. I sunk into the chair and began my story.

Kenzie-“Where do I begin?” I looked down at the floor as I took a deep breath. “Well I have another sister, you might know this but I don’t really talk about her to you, her names Alyssa, it was clear to say I was jealous of Alyssa, her friends, her life, her looks her ability to do well in everything, but despite this we were real close, and Alyssa was my best friend. My dad Tom, has always been supportive in everything I’ve ever done, he treated me and Alyssa the same back since I could ever remember. After school, when dad came home from work he would help me and Alyssa do our homework and then he would take us to the park, weather depending while Carol cooked us dinner. We used to play football at the park, and I and Alyssa were both terrible.” I took a breath as I laughed a little as I remembered our old memories, but then my face set a stone again. “It made me feel happy, happy that I wasn’t the worst at something, even though I wasn’t the best, we were both the same. It was what I waited for every day, I waited for four o’clock so my dad would come home from work and hang his coat on the door as he slammed his briefcase on the floor and shouted to me and Alyssa… we would always run up to him as fast as we could and give him a hug… of course Alyssa would always get there first, but my dad always made us both feel equal no matter who won, even though it wasn’t a race. I loved the times me and Alyssa and our dad spent together because there was no Carol. As much as I loved Carol, she just never fully treated us equally. She just did not love me, it was always Alyssa, although now I realise why that is, and I don’t really blame her.”

Jessie-“What do you mean you don’t blame her?” Jessie sniffed. I looked up to Jessie who had tears running down her face. She tried to wipe them away before i noticed, of course it was to late, i had noticed, and it broke my heart to tell Jessie my story, espeically how it was impacting her, but i wanted to share it with her, right now i felt passionate about my life, like it could help somebody, and that is exactly what i wanted.

Kenzie-“She wasn’t really my mom so why should she love us the same anyway let me carry on.”

Jessie-“No Kenzie, you can’t think like that, once you are in Carol’s care, you deserve to be loved, you deserve to be loved as much as Alyssa, how could someone not love you, do you understand… you deserved to be loved.” I shyly nodded at Jessie, I didn’t agree with her at all, but she sounded so passionate about this subject, if I disagreed with her no doubt she would carry this on until she made me agree, and to be honest I just wanted to get my story over with so I could go to sleep. I guess Jessie knew I had kind of gone shy and back in my shell because she rubbed my back to reassure me she was still listening.

Kenzie-“Anyway, I’ll skip to the day my life changed.” I smiled to Jessie.

Kenzie-“I heard Carol and my dad arguing downstairs, so me and Alyssa went down to find out what it was about… it was then I got told I was adopted… I ran out of the house feeling like the joker, feeling like they thought this was funny. I went to run down the street before a lady called me. I stopped dead in my tracks… my spine tingled and I felt a connection I had been longing to feel. I turned around to see a beautiful lady stood in front of me. She wrapped her arms around me and despite the strange connection I felt towards her, since I didn’t have a clue who she was I put it down to her being an old friend. So I told her I had to go and it was nice catching up with her. Then she told me she was my mom. My emotions were all over the place, I felt loved, but I felt angry, I felt guilt but I felt happy I felt all these different things at one time and I didn’t know how to deal with it... sure enough something I hoped would never happen again did... my depression came back. I was my own worst nightmare”